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Tom Cruise Katie Holmes divorce due to history of family dysfunction?

25 Jul

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Since news broke that Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise, there has much speculation about why their highly publicized celebrity marriage ended.  People magazine reported that Holmes had become increasingly unhappy in her five-year marriage to Cruise and that “she no longer had the life she wanted, in terms of her career, her way of life, everything.”  While the media has widely cited Cruise’s beloved Scientology to be at the center of the split, Cruise’s attorney Bert Fields insists the Church of Scientology was not involved, stating “Let me be very clear about this. The Church of Scientology played absolutely NO ROLE in the divorce settlement talks at all…”  But could Cruise’s early history of family dysfunction, which likely played a large role in his adoption of the Scientology faith, be the root of his failed marriage?  Would seeking professional psychological treatment have been more effective at helping Cruise break his old patterns of family dysfunction?

There remains many unanswered questions about what led to the breakdown of Cruise’s marital union with Holmes.  While Holmes was raised in a stable Catholic family upbringing by loving parents with whom she currently remains close, Cruise has shared with the media that his own family upbringing was laden with chaotic family dysfunction dominated by an abusive father, whom his mother eventually divorced when Tom was just 12 years old.  Cruise has described his father as “a merchant of chaos“.  Cruise described him as a bully and coward: “He was the kind of person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. It was a great lesson in my life—how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang! For me, it was like, ‘There’s something wrong with this guy. Don’t trust him. Be careful around him.”

Further, Cruise’s education was highly fragmented- he was enrolled in a total of 15 schools during his 12 years of education.  Coupled with a diagnosis of the learning disorder dyslexia which at the time, was often misunderstood and mistreated by mental health experts, early life for Cruise was troubled and difficult.  Cruise admits “I was a functional illiterate” upon graduating high school.  Cruise states his mismanaged learning disorder was an ongoing source of great distress and an obstacle to many of his early goals in life.  This experience appears to be the origins of his widely known contempt and mistrust of the field of psychiatry, which was reinforced through his later involvement with Scientology.   Cruise attributes his eventual success with literacy to the L. Ron Hubbard Scientology Study Tech.  Scientology is publicly and often vehemently opposed to both psychology and psychiatry, and view psychiatry as a barbaric and corrupt profession and encourage alternative care based on spiritual healing.

Clinical research has shown that adults raised in dysfunctional families experience difficulty forming and maintaining healthy, trusting intimate relationships, struggle to maintain healthy self-esteem/depend on others approval to determine their self-worth, and often fear losing control and allowing themselves to experience genuine emotions.  These individuals are highly susceptible to falling into unhealthy co-dependent relationships not just with people, but in the case of Tom Cruise, with rigid lifestyle choices that can push loved ones away.

Our early childhood experiences can lead to lifelong patterns that continue to shape us for the rest of our lives. While patterns of dysfunction can be very difficult to break, it is possible learn healthier forms of functioning.  In my work as a clinical psychologist, I have effectively worked with people of all ages who’ve experienced various levels of family dysfunction.  Without professional psychological intervention, many individuals eventually fall into old patterns of dysfunction and relationship failure, in spite of their efforts to change.

What are the goals for professional psychological treatment with someone like Cruise, who experienced early childhood family dysfunction and other stressors?

  • identify and challenge irrational patterns of thinking
  • develop and heal intimate relationships
  • learn to identify and express emotions in safe ways
  • learn to effectively and respectfully communicate with others
  • develop healthy self-esteem
  • work towards identifying and reaching rewarding life goals
  • balance work and personal demands
  • develop healthy and pleasurable forms of self-care
  • establish boundaries with others that feel both safe and supportive

The following quiz was adapted at Kansas State University in their counseling services dept., and may be helpful in determining if you are experiencing long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family.  If you find yourself answering “Yes” to the majority of the questions, you might consider seeking professional psychological help.

  1. Do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel good about yourself? Yes_____ No_____
  2. Do you agree to do more for others than you can comfortably accomplish? Yes_____ No_____
  3. Are you perfectionistic? Yes_____ No_____
  4. Or do you tend to avoid or ignore responsibilities? Yes_____ No_____
  5. Do you find it difficult to identify what you’re feeling? Yes_____ No_____
  6. Do you find it difficult to express feelings? Yes_____ No_____
  7. Do you tend to think in all-or-nothing terms? Yes_____ No_____
  8. Do you often feel lonely even in the presence of others? Yes_____ No_____
  9. Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need from others? Yes_____ No_____
  10. Is it difficult for you to maintain intimate relationships? Yes_____ No_____
  11. Do you find it difficult to trust others? Yes_____ No_____
  12. Do you tend to hang on to hurtful or destructive relationships? Yes_____ No_____
  13. Are you more aware of others’ needs and feelings than your own? Yes_____ No_____
  14. Do you find it particularly difficult to deal with anger or criticism? Yes_____ No_____
  15. Is it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Yes_____ No_____
  16. Do you find yourself feeling like a “fake” in your academic or professional life? Yes_____ No_____
  17. Do you find yourself waiting for disaster to strike even when things are going well in your life?  Yes_____ No_____
  18. Do you find yourself having difficulty with authority figures? Yes_____ No_____

 

 

Dr. Christina Villarreal is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in the Bay Area, California and may be reached at christina.villarreal@gmail.com

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“Fifty shades of Grey”: awakening women’s sexual identities

4 May

The wildly popular New York Times bestselling series Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James has garnered fans from all walks of life, becoming the fastest selling book of 2012.  The series centers around a young, impressionable woman who falls for a troubled, domineering older man, and aims to find out whether he is capable of love.  This archeotypical tale laden with S&M and bondage stirs Newsweek to explore the notion that modern working women want to be dominated in the bedroom, even in an era where women are overtaking men as America’s breadwinners.

A UK Guardian review proposes that Fifty Shades of Grey thrusts erotica into mainstream media, transforming the way erotic fiction is consumed by the public.  According to the publisher’s data, “gleaned from Facebook, Google searches, and fan sites”, more than half the women reading the book are in their 20s and 30s, in spite of the prevailing stereotype that the largest consumer of this series are middle-aged suburban women, sexually frustrated Twilight fans, or conservatives foraying into adult fiction in search of more palatable sexual fantasy reading material.

Dr. Mehmet Oz  dedicated a recent show to exploring this book series with an audience of women and men who have read them.  EL James “has gotten people talking about sex in a way that no one else could get them to talk about it,” Dr. Oz said from the red carpet of a gala honoring Time magazine’s 100 most influential people in the world.  Dr. Oz included James with the likes of President Barack Obama and Rihanna stating “this book is about people having an honest conversation about what sex should be like, what makes it feel better, what are the timing issues, how do we make it an important issue in our life rather than an afterthought.”

As a clinical psychologist in private practice, a large segment of my psychotherapy patients are young women in their twenties and early thirties.  Like the protagonist in Fifty Shades of Grey, many are struggling to awaken and understand their sexuality  during a developmental time when the goal is often to find and secure a loving life partner.

In my professional opinion, one of the biggest challenges these women face is learning how to cultivate the necessary self-confidence to enjoy sex.  This is a generation that grew up watching Sex in the City, had a wealth of sexual content at their fingertips via the world wide web, and whose favorite musical artists and actors relied upon sexual exposure at younger ages and more heavily then ever before in American history.  Perhaps due to wide-spread sexual overexposure that continues to objectify women, this generation of women continues to struggle with identifying and indulging their sexual desires as did earlier, more sexually conservative generations.

During psychotherapy sessions I conduct with many women, I hear feelings of inadequacy based on pressure to be aesthetically perfect for their partners, or a focus on fulfilling partners’ desires without identifying or communicating their own- all of which which robs them of their ability to truly develop their own unique sexual identity, and discover one of life’s greatest pleasures.  As a clinical psychologist, I use a problem-solving cognitive-behavioral approach to help individuals become more comfortable with the process of awakening and fostering their sexual identity.

What are some treatment recommendations for developing one’s sexual identity?

  • explore (with a mental health professional, peers or through journaling) how cultural, familial, gender and religious norms, values, experiences and biases may have shaped your views of sexual behavior in both positive and negative ways
  • explore the expectations you place upon yourself and others when engaging in sexual behavior- do these these expectations allow for healthy self care? Reciprocity?  Are they realistic?
  • Identify images, fantasies and forms of touch that awaken your desire- what kind of judgment do you place upon them?  How might you gradually increase your comfort level with them in order to fulfill your needs?
  • Are there materials that can support your exploration of the above?  Explore adult novelty websites such as Adam & Eve, or local bay area stores such as Feelmore 510 or Good Vibrations.  Bookstores such as Amazon/Kindle and Barnes & Nobles/Nook are also well equipped with reading material which can be procured discretely.

This article was written by Dr. Christina Villarreal, Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Oakland, California.  For professional inquires contact her at christina.villarreal@gmail.com

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Depression and its effect on your sexual relationship

8 Aug

The hallmark of most new romantic relationships is a passionate physical connection.  But when one or both partners suffer from clinical depression, a couple’s sexual chemistry can suffer.  Approximately 35 to 47 percent of people with clinical depression report having sexual problems.  Sexual problems worsen depending on the severity of one’s depression; sixty one percent of people with severe depression report having sexual problems.  In my practice as a clinical psychologist, problematic sexual functioning is a common complaint of people seeking treatment for depression and anxiety.

What leads to the reduction of sexual functioning in those experiencing depression?

The human brain is the body’s most powerful “sex organ.” Sexual desire begins in the brain, shaping our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters help brain cells communicate with each other in order to stimulate blood flow to the sex organs. In a depressed person, their neurotransmitters are out of balance, which can lead to diminished sexual desire.  In addition, low levels neurotransmitters can dull a person’s ability to experience pleasure, both physical and emotional.

Are men and women’s sexual functioning affected differently by depression?

Both men and women suffering from depression describe experiencing a host of the following symptoms:

  • intense sadness that inhibits one’s ability to carry out daily activities
  • loss of interest in things that were previously enjoyable
  • changes in appetite, weight, and/or sleep patterns
  • feelings of guilt, irritability and worthlessness
  • loss of energy, feeling slowed down, or ‘keyed up’
  • impaired concentration
  • thoughts of death or suicide.

But some important gender differences may be found in how people experience depression.  Many men fail to identify themselves as clinically depressed because they don’t relate to feeling sadness.  Their depressive symptoms may only include feelings of tiredness, inability to concentrate or sleep well, hopelessness, as well and loss of interest or pleasure- all of which may be associated with loss of libido and erection problems.

For women, depression can commonly be experienced as feelings of sadness, feeling physically slowed down, worthlessness, and/or guilt along with loss of interest or pleasure- all of which can lead to lack of interest in sex and/or difficulty in reaching orgasm.

Helpful tips in coping with a relationship impacted by depression:

  • Seek out professional consultation. Many people are reticent to reach out for professional help because they feel they ought to be able to overcome problems on their own, or worry about the financial or time commitment of psychotherapy.  But an experienced mental health professional will be able to use their expertise to establish what type of support and resources are best suited for you, given your personal, familial and medical history.  A consultation can typically take place in 1-3 visits, after which, you should have a clear picture of what your options are for improvment. Evidence-based treatment such as Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be suggested for you, a widely accepted form of treatment for clinical depression.
  • Try to avoid saying “I know what you’re going through” to your partner.  You don’t.  Instead, try: ‘I can’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but I am trying very hard to understand and help.’
  • Take care of yourself. Being in a relationship with a depressed person can be incredibly taxing, so make sure you do whatever it is that helps you feel healthy and happy.  See friends, get in touch with your body through enjoyable physical activity, pursue your own interests and goals, and spend some time away from your partner.  Depressed people often want to stay home and/or isolate themselves from the world. If you attempt to join them in this pattern, you’re sure to end up feeling badly too.
  • Try not to take your partner’s lack of sexual interest personally.  This is crucial to staying invested in making the relationship work.  If you come to believe that your partner will not ever regain their sexual interest, you may end up terminating the relationship before determining if treatment can help.

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