Coming out as gay: 6 stages for understanding the emotional process

After years of fighting off rumors about his sexuality, Latin singer Ricky Martin has finally just posted the following message on his official Web site, coming out and telling the world he is gay.

“Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment. These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed … I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am,” he wrote.

Coming out as gay, lesbian bisexual or transgendered is a process that for many, is experienced in stages of change. While there are different models and theories about coming out, the six-step process (The Model of Homosexuality Identity Formation) was created by psychological theorist Vivienne Cass in 1979 and is still an accepted model for understanding the experience. While many will not experience these steps in a linear course, the following steps capture essential components of the coming out process. These steps are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and can be experienced simultaneously. For example other theorists have said that it is not uncommon for people go back and forth in their sexual identity development.

Step One: Identity Confusion

“Who am I?” is the major question in this step. People in this stage of the coming out process start to notice their attraction to same-sex people and really question what it means. Am I gay? Am I a lesbian? Am I transgendered? Am I bisexual? Within this stage there may be a denial of inner feelings as a person continues to see themselves as a member of the mainstream, heterosexual population. Some may consider their behaviors as ‘just experimenting’. Some people in this stage might keep emotional involvement separate from their sexual activity; others may choose to have deeply emotional relationships that are non-sexual.

Step Two: Identity Comparison

At this stage, a person may try to find an explanation for why they are having the feelings they are experiencing. “Maybe I am gay. Or maybe I’m bisexual.” Feelings of isolation & alienation are common in this stage. A person might wonder “Is this a phase?” “Am I only attracted to this one same sex person, or is this going to be a permanent trend?”

Step Three: Identity Tolerance

In this stage, a person might begin to accept identifying as gay, lesbian or transgendered or bisexual. Some might come to terms with some parts of being a gay, but not fully embrace it. One might accept participating in sexual activity with woman and consider it okay, but may not be ready to identity as lesbian or bisexual for example, in public- thus, leading a ‘double life.’ Or a man may come to accept that he has fallen in love with another man, but considers this an isolated situation. At this stage, it is common for people to seek out a gay/lesbian/bi-sexual community or social group as a way to explore or experience identifying with other people of the same sexual orientation as a means for support.

Step Four: Identity Acceptance
In this stage a person has begun to accept, rather than just tolerate their sexual identity. People often begin forming friendships with other gay, lesbian, transgendered or bisexual people. Many begin to realize that being lesbian or bisexual is acceptable, and that their life can and will be happy and fulfilling. At this stage, it is common to begin coming out to a few trusted individuals.

Step Five: Identity Pride
People who are in this stage feel a sense of pride of their sexual orientation, and feel comfortable interacting in gay communities. They start coming out to others in their lives, by making their sexual orientation publicly known. It’s also common for people to feel angry and resentful because of the lack of legal and social rights that gay and lesbian people are not afforded by the majority culture. Some people may get involved in gay and lesbian activism. Others may feel the need to isolate

Step Six: Identity Synthesis

In this stage, a person’s sexual orientation is integrated into their whole identity. For many, this includes a holistic view of the self and people often feel equally comfortable in straight and gay, lesbian, transgendered or bi-sexual environments.


11 thoughts on “Coming out as gay: 6 stages for understanding the emotional process

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  3. Julian, thank you so much for sharing your response and newfound awareness of how you can begin to proceed with accepting your feelings and embracing yourself as a good person! I love this so much, so proud of you. You’ve already improved my day just by being authentic to your experience! Best, Christina

  4. Julian

    Thank you.

    Reading each stage desciption (and aware – theyre clearly not nessecarily linear) there were boxes (or maybe closet doors) easily ticked .

    Makes so much sense.

    On getting to Tolerance – then to read Acceptance (an increasingly frequent internal prompt that knocks ever more persistently, a want, a need to seek out others, of gay men, who live these same male-male feelings) and then came Pride.

    At that point in your writing (which is a joy to read…timely making ever more alive no doubt) very definite bells began (or maybe it was rainbows shining) ringing. Oh my gosh, so many pointers over so many years in so many ways.


    The desire to leave-let go this double life lived for so long; a deep want to seek out other gay men; a confidence that is hard to explain, but that sense of pride…seems so welcoming – correct, longing, even soothing.

    A self ackowledgement – this me see, who Ive been for such a long time…it is a joyful recognition. One that wants to call from a hill top in full view…Yes I am gay.

    Am I brave enough. May I be enough.

    Today in a meeting, there I sat listening to everyone talk, and an overwhelming feeling of attraction bubbled up toward one of the younger men. In the past I would turn away, but something shifted in recent time. I dont want to turn away, rather I want and need and wish and intenf to turn toward. And its wonderful.

    My thoughts raced, and a sense of delight and fullfillment ran through me as I enjoyed the reality – I was clearly and pleasingly attracted to this gorgeous young man. omg!

    It was such a wonderful wonderful knowing. It didnt matter whether he knew or not. Rather it was my epiphany right there, allowing it to wash over me,, ‘this ‘is’ who I am. No more parrying.

    Later in the day, sitting chatting with my house partner, she said with a smile, youre a good friend. There was a knowing in that. My internal reply, yes I am a good friend, of any thing intimate, it simply and truthfully is not there. It seems my world has a very definite rainbow lens to it. And its a truth I’m ready and need to share.

    …so this is my first step…🙄

    Thank you, I’m Julian

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