Are your dating skills ruining your love life? 4 dumb dating habits to drop.

Most accounts of modern dating describe finding lasting love as more elusive than ever.  Thanks to mobile dating apps, dating has evolved into a finger-swiping game of ‘matching’ with people whose real intention for long-term dating is nearly impossible to determine.  Being an executive and dating coach in the San Francisco Bay Area has given me a front row seat to this phenomenon with an inside view of the good, the bad and the ugly.  The highly competitive tech scene here is also known for having an awkward dating culture where both men and women can develop some dumb habits that thwart their long term relationship goals.  I feel it’s my duty to share them publicly, air out the gender themes I see, and hopefully shed some light on the issue so more people are successful in their dating endeavors.

My clients are bright, healthy, charismatic people who bemoan their dating struggles as real a ‘pain point’ in their life.  In my last article on learned optimism, I outlined the rationale for viewing problems through a positive, solution-focused lens, and how to hold yourself accountable for your role in a problem.  When a client tells me “I’d like to meet someone and settle down into a long-term relationship but I’m having a tough time finding them.”  I’ll ask “What strategies are you using to meet eligible people?  Tell me, what are you currently doing to build a long-term relationship with someone?”  This is when the storyline starts to reveal dating habits that can be major roadblocks to developing a lasting romantic relationship.

master-of-none-5.w710.h473A 30 year old male client of mine shared with me how Season 2 of the Netflix hit series Master of None,(episode ‘First Date‘) struck a chord with him.   In this episode, Dev (Aziz Ansari) meets a myriad of women and for various reasons, experiences failure to launch towards a meaningful relationship with any of them.  In 2015, Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg co-wrote Modern Romance: An Investigation, a book that examined the evolution of dating patterns and coupledom. The concept of ‘overchoice’ in dating, an idea first introduced in Alvin Toffler’s 1971 book Future Shock, and later explored in Barry Schwartz’s 2004 book The Paradox of Choice has become a mainstay in modern dating culture.  Ansari concludes that while having access to more potential mates might be enjoyable up front, it eventually makes the process of choosing and investing in someone much harder, and can ultimately lead to less romantic fulfillment.

Dumb dating habit #1:  Going on a never-ending cycle of first dates, waiting for that ‘love at first sight’ feeling to signal when it’s time to finally pursue someone for a long term relationship.

First impressions are often not a good predictor of who’ll be a good fit for a long term relationship.  In my observation, guys need to take initiative and figure out how to emotionally invest in the process of dating if they want a long term relationship.  A lot of men are stuck in a conundrum when they’re looking for a girlfriend- they feel safer with more options, but more options leads to low emotional investment, which leads to a sense of emptiness, which they fill with more creating more options.  It’s a vicious circle!  Men, start by figuring out what you need to do to care more about the person you’re meeting for a date.

Males are commonly raised to avoid vulnerable emotions, and learn to keep a safe distance from their feelings, especially in matters of the heart.  As a result, they can miss out on developing emotional intimacy with someone because they fail to take an active role in building it.  In movies, men are portrayed as reluctant participants in intimacy – cinematic stereotypes such as the manic pixie dream girl archetype evolved in order to protect masculine identity in the face of falling in love.

REBOOT:  If you don’t work to get inside your feelings and figure out how to genuinely invest in caring about the person sitting across from you, these feelings will not mysteriously emerge on their own.  I know you believe you just haven’t met someone who’s attractive enough, smart/accomplished enough, humble and supportive and interested in YOU enough.  If this storyline is sounding a lot like you, it’s time to see it for what it is – you’ve got to rise to the occasion and take initiative.  Make a real effort to be curious, listen, absorb and relate.  Look at it from an economic perspective- wise investments of all kinds pay off big!

Dumb dating habit #2:  You’re using dating as a way to compete with your friends- in this game the last one to get off the single train wins.  

You’re struggling with choosing someone because you’re too busy rounding out your dating options for more bragging rights with your friends.  A proud 20-something year old guy once told me that he and his male roommates had a world map in their house with colored pushpins in it to represent the countries of origin of women they’d each slept with.  Why?  Because it made them look cool to all their friends, duh!  But do you really want to be the last one who still cares about playing this game?  It’s like you’re that last guy in your middle school friend group who still cares about who has the most/best Pokémon cards.

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Dude at some point, it’s not that crucial anymore!  Eventually, most guys want to be with someone that will stand by them when life gets hard, someone to enjoy private moments with, who will honestly be there for them through the thick and thin of their life.  Meanwhile, do you want to still be scrolling through your phone contacts looking for someone who actually cares about what happens to you? (besides your family!  Not your ex either, she’s probably happily married now with a baby on the way.)

REBOOT:  The price tag for a real relationship is steep, and you need to be willing to pay the price.  Commitment, vulnerability, giving FOMO a grown ass man smack down, and dealing with someone’s shortcomings because they have to put up with yours.  When was the last time you heard of getting something worth having for free?

Dumb dating habit # 3:  Not noticing when your mind magically fills in the blanks in someone’s potential instead of accepting the current reality as it stands.  The problem with this is that your brain gets caught in a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations.  This can lead to feeling mad and resentful when the person falls short of your version of them. 

Sometimes women can get ahead of themselves while dating, and lose track of the difference between what is reality and what is wishful thinking.  This happens when they fail to notice that someone isn’t demonstrating a consistent investment in getting serious with them.  When you fantasize a million steps ahead about how your next dates will play out together it can lead your brain to believing it should and it will, and then when it inevitably doesn’t, you feel shortchanged and frustrated, but keep hoping things will improve.  Unrealistic expectations can also lead people to cut things off prematurely which is sabotaging your #relationshipgoals.  Confirmation bias  is a form of faulty thinking with plenty of scientific evidence supporting people’s propensity to believe something is true because they would like it to be true. Motivated by wishful thinking, individuals will stop gathering information when the evidence gathered so far confirms the views (prejudices) one would like to be true.

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REBOOT:  DO NOT GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF. If someone isn’t consistently making an effort to set concrete plans with you, showing a genuine interest in connecting with you, stop giving him your mental attention!  Be ready to harness some discipline because old habits die hard.  You’re perfectly rigorous about keeping your diet paleo, you’re awesome at limiting your drinking to the weekends, but you let your mind go on a wild goose chase over every text thread in your phone!  You know you’re in trouble if the guy inside your head is always more fun to think about then the same guy whose text messages rarely extend beyond 3 words and you never quite know where things stand between the two of you.  Be honest with yourself.  Why would it make sense to want a relationship with someone who’s hot and cold towards you?  Inconsistency and unpredictability beget failure in building anything of value.  Open your eyes to the people who are making it clear they value you and want to spend time with you.

Dumb dating habit # 4:  You over-rely on dating apps and forget that prospective dating partners are everywhere!  Your attention is buried in your phone and you never (ever, ever) initiate conversation with a stranger for social purposes.  

Pretty much everyone is guilty of digital social isolation these days.  You’ve heard this before from those of us who evolved as human beings before the digital era.  By limiting yourself to socializing through online/text consumption you are actually limiting yourself to a communication method with WORSE social aptitude results not BETTER.  The quality of enjoyment, depth of expression and opportunity to build lasting relationships has evolved over billions of years through face to face communication.  Digital communication on the other hand has existed for a fraction of a mili-second and the jury is out if humanity would even survive if we continue to depend on it with today’s enthusiasm.  It’s not that I think people shouldn’t enjoy all the latest dating apps, follow each other on social media for entertainment, ease and efficiency, but aim to keep practicing your real life social skills.  Every single client who’s taken me up on my encouragement in this area has come back glowing with newfound empowerment and shock, really.  Like “I cannot believe I initiated a social conversation with a total stranger (sober, mind you!) AND DIDN’T DIE ON THE SPOT FROM ANGST.  I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW!!!”  YES!  That is the best feeling!

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Improve your health and performance with Learned Optimism and you will win at life

What is the difference between someone who consistently performs to the best of their ability and someone whose performance is unpredictable?  What allows someone to effortlessly tap into their peak performance and reach their goals and what compromises a person’s ability to access and sustain it?  One word- outlook.  Martin Seligman‘s groundbreaking research on learned optimism reveals how being optimistic is consistently related to improved mental and physical health and longevity.  A US study of nearly 100 000 students found that people who are optimistic are less likely than those who are pessimistic to die from Coronary Heart Disease (CHD) or from any other cause over an eight year period.  On the other hand, pessimism has been linked to chronic stress and poor health functioning such as high levels of inflammation, a weakened immune system, increased pain perception, and other signs of physiological and mental dysfunction.  Optimistic people appear to manage stress more efficiently than others so that their stress disappears at a faster rate than those who don’t utilize optimism in their outlook.

Seligman developed a test to help people identify their outlook style (which you can take here.)  If your base level of optimism isn’t very high, don’t panic.  In fact, it means that you are at the level where learned optimism can be the most beneficial!

Executive coaching can be an effective way to learn and adopt optimism to improve your overall functioning and sustain peak performance in all areas of your life.  I typically work with high-achieving young adults in the tech community of the Bay Area/Silicon Valley.  Working with a coach is great for healthy people who are motivated to change what isn’t working, but need some guidance on how to execute strategically and efficiently.

The following tactics outline the basic tenets of Learned Optimism.  Keep in mind that our first reaction to something will always be automatic and happen instantaneously – that’s normal and to be expected!  We can acknowledge our initial reactions to an event without this becoming our permanent outlook on the matter.  That’s where Learned Optimism comes in.  We can cultivate this skill by identifying our first reaction, clarifying how this first outlook might impact our overall ability to problem-solve and perform, and challenge ourselves to adjust our outlook in order to optimize our performance and goal achievement.  With practice, we can improve our mental toughness, which is what helps a person cope with difficult situations, persevere and succeed at a high performance level.

Our outlook is shaped by our individual explanatory style, a psychological attribute that indicates how people explain to themselves why they experienced a particular event, either positive or negative.  There are three components to this:

  1. The permanence of an event – how long someone thinks it will last
  2. The pervasiveness or scope of an event – whether the person sees the event as specific and contained, or global and all-inclusive
  3.  Personalization of an event – whether the person views the event as something that was caused entirely by oneself, others or external factors

Learned Optimism tool # 1 – Adjust TIME outlook for an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as temporary:

  • “The next fiscal quarter will be better.”
  • This is a short-term setback.”
  • I’m having an off day today.”

Find ways to view a positive event as enduring and reflective of personal ability:

  • “I’m on a roll now, because I’ve worked hard, practiced, and now have a winning strategy.”
  • I know I can handle challenging things because I’ve already overcome so much.”
  • “I’ve created opportunities for myself in the past, and am capable of creating more.”

Learned Optimism tool # 2 – Adjust SCOPE of an event.

Find ways to view a negative event as specific and contained to one situation:

  • The next event will work out better because of what I’ve learned this time around.”
  • “I won’t let this personal rejection or difficult co-worker get in my way or stop me from reaching my goal.”
  • Things at my company are rough right now, but my personal life is going well.”

Find ways to view a positive event as global:

  • “Earning this promotion has gotten me on the right path to developing as a leader in the company.”
  • “My management style is more effective since I’ve made an effort to be more approachable and generous with my time.”
  • Taking social risks has been challenging but I’ve learned that overall, people respond well to me when I reach out first.”

Learned Optimism tool # 3 – Adjust PERSONALIZATION to contain one’s responsibility, recognize which personal strengths were utilized, and which external circumstances influenced the outcome of an event.

For negative events, identify your personal accountability, then factor in others’ contributions and the role of external circumstances:

  • “I can see how I contributed to the fight my spouse and I had.  I want to clarify my expectations and work on finding some middle ground so the next time this issue comes up we can avoid a blowup.”
  • “I reacted without communicating beforehand with my team members, which led to a break down in our overall progress.  I will suggest a few temporary solutions until we can figure out a more inclusive strategy.”
  • My company is going through major layoffs, and in spite of the contributions I made that demonstrated real utility, I’ve been informed it’s time to find my next position.”

For positive events, recognize which personal strengths you utilized to bring this event to fruition:

  • “I stayed focused on my goals and was willing to work harder when other people were frustrated and fed up, which helped me move forward and achieve in spite of facing real adversity.”
  • “I’m more comfortable and experienced speaking in front of others than my co-founder, so I took on the responsibility of pitching our idea to investors and now our startup has seed funding.” 
  • “I’ve worked on building up my tolerance for discomfort in social situations, which I believe gave me the confidence to ask out someone I’ve been interested in for months.  Even if it doesn’t work out, I feel good about stepping up and taking initiative.”

Bringing it all together- learned optimism is a winning strategy to get through challenging or unfair situations by shining a spotlight onto where there is opportunity for improved coping, positive progress and effective solutions.  Our initial response to a situation may not be the most effective way to navigate it successfully.  The key to adopting an optimistic mindset is to acknowledge the inherent choice we have in our response.  Learned optimism is not an exercise in avoiding responsibility or ignoring dire circumstances either.  Adopt an outlook that encourages personal accountability, and supports your performance growth in every area of life.  From your education to your work to your health, it is your outlook that predicts your level of success above all else.


Trump style slurs: you don’t have to get your feelings hurt.


With the Trump administration ahead of us, many Americans will witness or receive hate-filled comments meant to devalue, belittle and shame anyone who is demographically different.  The major uptick in hate crimes dates back toward the end of 2015, which corresponds with Donald Trump’s call for a ban on Muslims entering the United States.  Since the presidential election results came in, national news and social media sites have already begun documenting a new surge of confrontational hate-mongering behaviors aimed at racial/ethnic/sexual/religious minorities.  Generally speaking, the most important response to hate mongering is to ensure one’s physical safety first and foremost.  This article is not meant to provide guidance on physical or legal protection tactics, but rather outlines the most accurate and effective way to emotionally immunize yourself to this type of ignorance.  You don’t have to get your feelings hurt.  You don’t have to feel the blow of belittlement when ignorant remarks are flung at you.  You don’t have to feel insulted or devalued.  In fact, when someone says or does something racist/misogynistic/etc, it’s an instant opportunity to recognize the disposition and circumstances surrounding the offender.  You will know immediately that this person is experiencing one or more of the following:

  1. People who feel compelled to point out their categorical superiority to others based on race/gender/religion/sexual orientation differences often do so because they feel a deep sense of resentment about not feeling good enough about themselves.  (They will vehemently argue that nothing could be further from the truth, but there is something called the subconscious (part of the mind of which one is not fully aware but which influences one’s actions and feelings) and it is working furiously in overtime to correct low self-worth.)  By actively engaging in a game of “I’m better than these people” (through various verbal or behavioral acts) they can give themselves a short-lived burst of much-needed self confidence.  It quickly dissipates, so they often choose to surround themselves with like-minded people so they can commiserate and boost each other up through mutually insulting group outsiders.
  2. People need to blame and find fault in whole categories of people out of fear: when older regions of the brain dominate a person’s cognitive style, more complex intellectual processing is superseded, limiting more complex comprehension of circumstances surrounding their perceived ‘problems’.  Attempting to solve one’s problems by persecuting a whole group of people in a scapegoat fashion is usually a tell-tale sign of shortsightedness that does not result in lasting solutions.  Failed solutions often leads to increased blaming and anger.  It’s a vicious cycle which some people remain stuck in, and then pass on to others as a narrow worldview.
  3. The bottom line is, people who are effective and successful in pursuing their life goals, feel a sense of personal resourcefulness, and are benefiting from genuinely loving relationships do not need to actively engage in hate-mongering and devaluing/disrespecting whole groups of people.  There is no need to assert oneself as superior at the expense of other’s basic rights, to the contrary, they enjoy embracing a spirit of generosity because they can afford to give and share without feeling threatened.  Being chronically unhappy does not give way to hate-mongering behaviors, but there’s a good chance they are prone to certain habits that perpetuate their own unhappiness.

That said, people who feel compelled to a seek momentary boost of self-importance through hate-mongering in the name of Trump support or otherwise, are likely doing so because they don’t feel adequately important enough in the world, prefer to indulge in overly simplified, fear-based solutions to their problems (or are less intellectually equipped or compelled to grasp more a complex understanding), and see anyone different than themselves as a threat to their well-being and/or way of life.  The last thing you should feel is slighted by someone else’s irrational fears and ignorant solutions to protecting and improving their station in life.  Recognize the pattern as something that has ensnared them, not you.  

Move forward by choosing to focus on the positive aspects of your own life rather than toil in the negativity that someone else is stewing in.  Stay true to your core beliefs and values.  You may feel discouraged and understandably frustrated with the influence of Trump’s hateful rhetoric that has emboldened some people to lash out against America’s longstanding value of inclusion.  The point is, you need not allow those people’s efforts to bring you down and keep you there.


Donald Trump: the psychological impact of toxic masculinity and how healthy, happy men diversify

I want to begin this piece by sharing how challenging it can be for me to understand the underpinnings of American masculinity as an American woman of color.  Even after 10 years of experience as a clinical psychologist, coach and professor I still feel stumped sometimes in helping men navigate their career development and improve their interpersonal relationships, particularly as it relates to their masculine identity.  I have a deep sense of curiosity and motivation to understand the perspectives of all my clientele. Public figures can also also stir my intellectual curiosity, especially when similar issues are cropping up among those I’m helping in my practice.  I write as a way to synthesize the research and consultation I do with professional colleagues and members of various social groups to increase my understanding of particular clinical issues.  By improving my understanding of how men operate within their gender framework, I can more effectively support their goals for happiness and achievement while respecting their values and world view.

Donald Trump’s entire public life provides a rich opportunity to examine how male gender expression, at it’s extreme, can lead to a toxic psychological crisis in masculine identity.  In this article I’d like to set aside drawing conclusions about his potential to effectively lead as President of The United States of America.  Why?  Just imagine for a moment, what it would be like to be Donald Trump’s therapist.  You see, as difficult as it may be, therapists must aim to reserve judgment in order to understand and assess how to be helpful in creating healthy change and growth.  If we can we understand Donald Trump’s psychological make-up as it relates to masculinity, surely we can learn something about the gender confines that men face in getting their psychological needs met as they strive for fulfillment and achievement.  Why is this important?  Trump reflects the toxic side of American masculinity, and if we don’t take a close look at how and why toxicity develops and festers within male culture, we can’t begin to stop it from infecting others in small or large ways in men everywhere.

Imagine for a moment, a four way street intersection, where gas fueling stations are housed on each of the four corners.  At each fueling station, you can ‘fill up your tank’ on:

  1. Physical Aggression/Strength/Athleticism
  2. Money/Influence of Financial Wealth
  3. Control/Influence Upon Others (at work or in personal relationships)
  4. Sexual Prowess and Virility/Sexual Satisfaction

These four fueling stations can be seen as representing the most traditional, socially acceptable, even socially celebrated opportunities for men to fuel their sense of masculinity.  Whether or not you personally agree with this, the vast majority of American men are measured by others against these four standards of traditional masculinity at various points in their life.  While men also aim for other forms of achievement (e.g. intellectual development, family life development, practice of religious faith) those strivings aren’t typically seen as embodying strength of masculinity in and of themselves.  Traditional masculine-affirming pursuits do not have to be at the expense of other’s rights, take on a quality of malicious manipulation and oppression, or require a man to rely on them as his sole means for fulfillment.  Masculine identity serves men best when it allows space for them to thrive in these traditional areas should they choose, but also allows them ample space to enrich their lives through other areas of fulfillment and connectivity.

Some men whom I’ve worked with appear to be ‘stuck‘ in the relentless pursuit of boosting one or more of these traditional areas of masculinity in the hopes of achieving lasting happiness.  The theory of masculine overcompensation dates back to Sigmund Freud’s notions of ‘reaction formation‘ and ‘defense mechanisms‘. Some men respond to having their masculinity questioned by emphasizing their expression of traditional masculine traits.  In 2013, a group of sociologists put this theory to the test.  In Overdoing Gender,” a study for the American Journal of Sociology, men were given feedback suggesting they were ‘feminine’, which led to an increased support for war, homophobic attitudes, interest in purchasing an SUV, support for, and desire to advance in dominance hierarchies, and belief in male superiority.  Research from The American Journal of Men’s Health and a host of other studies conclude that the expression of traditional masculine traits can be hazardous for men’s health functioning.  William Ming Liu, editor of the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity  describes toxic masculinity as providing a very limited way for men to relate to each other- when boys are socialized to avoid feelings and weakness it increases their overall psychological stress.

As a woman and mental health professional, it can be tempting to say “hmmm…have you considered seeking fulfillment from OTHER areas?  You’ve already experienced objectively high levels of achievement through these traditional areas, and you’re telling me you’re still unhappy/unsatisfied.  Why not pivot and diversify?  See if some other areas of personal development could help you feel better/more fulfilled for the long term?”  In my professional experience, toxicity can take root in a man’s masculine identity when he gets stuck searching for fulfillment from these 4 traditional areas of masculinity only.  Without diversification, it can lead to toxic overdose!  In Donald Trump’s case, he keeps going back for more and more like an addict- all of his accomplishments are no longer getting him that desired high, so he keeps upping the ante.  Overdosed on orange self-tanner and sporting a shellacked comb over, surrounding himself with garish gold interiors, aggressively forcing himself sexually upon countless women, accruing more debt in the relentless pursuit of financial return, publicly decrying ideas of racial superiority that benefit himself at the expense of others, and finally, seeking political office as the world’s most powerfully influential men.  He is feeding his own internal beast and he does not appear to be slowing down.  I suspect there is a deep, empty abyss inside his sense of identity that is always starving for increasingly grandiose, self-serving displays of ‘success’.  This particular phenomenon of toxic masculinity is not only psychologically unhealthy, but socially destructive when public figures like  Donald Trump effectively normalize misogyny, sexism, racism and xenophobia.


While many American men aspire to experience some degree of his accomplishments in the areas of wealth, power, influence, access and opportunity with beautiful women, it’s important to underscore that these gains alone may very well NOT lead to the level of fulfillment and happiness one might imagine.  Encouraging a more well-rounded sense of masculine identity, one that allows room for pursuits that go beyond the traditional male gender constructs will increase men’s opportunity for lasting and balanced happiness.  Research by Levant and other psychologists reveal healthy aspects of masculinity might actually protect  and improve men’s health. These healthy aspects of masculinity include:

Aiming to grow and diversify oneself in these key areas can help men achieve lasting personal fulfillment beyond traditional masculine pursuits for success.  Each are common treatment goals I work on with the high-achieving men in my executive coaching practice.  Many have shared with me how rewarding it feels to build upon what they’ve already mastered and thrive in these important life aspirations.

Rachel Dolezal: Why would a white woman misrepresent her race as black? Psychological insights from a mental health expert.

Rachel Dolezal- Now and Then.NAACP official Rachel Dolezal of Spokane, Washington has recently come under tremendous media fire for misrepresenting her racial identity as African-American for approximately the past 10 years.  Her biological parents have publicly made statements that the family’s ancestry is Czech, Swedish and German with some “faint traces” of Native American heritage as well. Her parents have also provided journalists with a copy of her daughter’s Montana birth certificate listing herself and Larry Dolezal as Rachel’s parents as evidence to validate her identity.

While CNN has yet to get comment from Rachel Dolezal directly (as of the production of this article), she has alluded to a family fight over alleged abuse, according to the Spokesman-Review.  She has also recently refused to directly answer a newspaper journalist’s questions about her racial heritage, and said she wanted to talk to local NAACP leadership first. “I feel like I owe my executive committee a conversation,” she said.  Public response to this controversy been mixed, with some reflecting a sentiment of confusion, others with speculation, cynicism, or support.  Many want to know:

“Why would a white woman pretend to be Black?”

As a mental health expert with a wide range of treatment experiences in various settings, I can offer some psychological insight regarding what might lead someone like Rachel Dolezal to identify as a member of an oppressed racial group.  Based on the information that has been made publicly available through news media sources such as CNN, I can begin to hypothesize what may be some possible reasons behind a person’s choice to racially align themselves with an African American/black racial identity in spite of having a Caucasian/white racial heritage.

In my experience as a mental health professional over the past 15 years, I have worked with a number of individuals who’ve had the unfortunate experience of discrimination, abuse, trauma and crime.  The emotional trauma of victimization is a direct reaction to the aftermath of experiencing discrimination, abuse, trauma, and/or crime.  Abuse victims can suffer a tremendous amount of physical and psychological trauma.  While some are emotionally resilient and manage to overcome the real adversity they experience, others are less so, and experience higher levels of emotional pain and suffering.  In some cases however, a person’s understanding of themselves as a ‘victim’ is not in response to actual or significantly measurable experiences of abuse, trauma or discrimination.  This can occur as a result of a personality pre-disposition that develops early on in some people, as a way for them to psychologically cope with receiving what they feel is ‘unfair treatment’ from others.

Sometimes, a person’s perception of what is ‘fair and unfair’ can be very distorted.  It may be that they are highly sensitive to feeling slighted, and/or develop a sensitivity to early criticism.  They may have difficulty coping what many other people are capable of accepting as the normal ups and downs of life.  When someone’s personality develops in this way, they can feel entitled to ‘better treatment’ than they are receiving, and when they don’t get it, they feel it’s because others are purposefully mistreating them. In their minds, it’s this perceived ‘mistreatment’ that leads them to developing an identity as a ‘victim’ as a way to process their experience of being chronically wronged.

Over time, someone who has developed emotionally in this way may be drawn towards people and experiences that reinforce their experience of being mistreated in the world.  They may even provoke people and/or manipulate circumstances so they can claim they were wronged.  Over time, they may come to rely on garnering sympathy from others as a way to benefit from the emotional support of those who are sympathetic to their experience.  Receiving this type of support can reinforce their pattern of identifying as a chronically mistreated person. Taking on the ethnic identity of a member of a systematically socially oppressed racial group could give someone an opportunity to not just experience real discrimination and racial prejudice, but also garner emotional, social and political support from equal right’s activists.

Rachel Dolezal grew up in what her parents called a diverse environment, with family friends of various ethnic backgrounds, and four adopted siblings who are black. She was “always interested in ethnicity and diversity” growing up, her mother Ruthanne said.  Media sources have pointed out a clear discrepancy between early photos of Rachel Dolezal as a blonde, fair skinned white woman and recent photos that reveal she has chosen to alter her physical appearance by darkening her skin and adopting an afro-like hairstyle with a kinky/curly texture as a way to portray herself as having an African-American racial heritage.  Many people are sounding off that Rachel Dolezal “has been dishonest and deceptive with her racial identity.”  What do you think?

Dr. Christina Villarreal’s Focus on Women’s Sexual Health, Empowerment & Wellness

15 years ago, I completed my doctoral dissertation examining cultural and gender influences of sexual risk behavior among Latino women. For the past 10 years in my clinical practice, I’ve enjoyed helping women embrace their sexuality, overcome obstacles to safe sex practices, and empower themselves for a lifetime of sexual wellness. I’ve served as a Relationship Expert on social media websites like, and written a range of articles on sex, dating and relationships, with media publications and interviews in popular media sites such as techcrunch.  This week I orchestrated what turned out to be an amazing workshop for nearly 40 women on Navigating Sex, Relationships, and Dating in San Francisco. I feel so privileged to have the opportunity to do this important work. Thank you to all those that participated, there will be more to come!  In the coming weeks I will be recruiting a diverse group of men in various stages of their dating life and relationship experience- from single to married.  These men will form an expert panel for an open Q & A session for an audience of Bay Area women who’d like to better understand why guys do what they do!  I will facilitate an honest and respectful dialogue that will surely be insightful, informative and instrumental in improving dating and relationship experiences for all.

Here are a few candid snapshots from the event on May 27th, 2015, we had a great time!

Hosting my first workshop on Women's Sexual Health and Wellness
Hosting my first workshop on Women’s Sexual Health and Wellness
With Rebecca Alvarez of Bodyfeminina- she is a Sexual Wellness Expert and Women's Sexual Health researcher
With Rebecca Alvarez of Bodyfeminina- she is a Sexual Wellness Expert and Women’s Sexual Health researcher
With Dr. Lina Hannigan, a Clinical Health Psychologist practicing in the Bay Area, SF.
With Dr. Lina Hannigan, a Clinical Health Psychologist practicing in the Bay Area, SF.

Is Lightweight Stalking on Social Media a Relationship Killer? Stop in 3 Easy Steps.

How often do you keep tabs on the person you're dating online?
How often do you keep tabs on the person you’re dating online?

Have you ever wondered how much checking someone’s status updates/tweets/photo uploads is normal/harmless, and when does re-checking their online activity become problematic?  Most of us have caught ourselves clicking through someone’s social media activity because we have reason to be naturally curious  about them- maybe the person is someone we want to meet, or just started dating and want to know more about them.  Other times we might scroll through our partner’s online activity as a way to check their daily mood, as counterintuitive as that may sound (since you likely see them or at least communicate with them regularly in person).  Today’s prolific use of social media gives us an alternative glimpse into our partner’s emotional status and social exchanges that we may not otherwise pick up on.  Even if someone’s online persona is carefully constructed for public consumption, having access to their online activity gives us an opportunity to interpret the meaning of their coming and goings, even their level of intimacy with others.  If this person is an ex-romantic partner this may be all we have to go on- even if all we see is their profile picture and friend list, this information can still provide a rough approximation of their current situation. This dilemma recently became a topic of conversation in my coaching practice, where helping people improve their emotional intelligence is a common goal throughout the work that I do.  Victoria, a bright and accomplished 24 year-old woman shared with me that constantly checking her boyfriend’s social media activity and online communication with his ex is taking a hard toll on her mood and relationship functioning. Me: “Have you ever talked to your boyfriend about what you see on his social media sites?  That you’re concerned about who he’s interacting with online?” Her: “HELL NO! The last thing I want to do is come across as the person that I actually am- the type of person who stalks people online to see what they’re up to, and compare their successes to mine.” Checking people’s online activity, or ‘lightweight stalking‘ if you will, can run deep.  We start out taking a quick glimpse at our partner’s tweet/Instagram pic of the day, only to find their ex decided to comment suggestively.  It’s too easy to then check out our partner’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend’s Twitter/Instagram/Facebook, etc (because dammit they have a public profile just begging to be explored).  So begins the comparisons.  Do they seem happier/sadder now? Does their taste in fashion/music/politics demonstrate that I’m a more tasteful/intelligent person?  Is he/she in better shape than me?  Our self-esteem may start to wane the more we compare ourselves to them.  We end up heading into an emotional tailspin trying to interpret their ‘Vaguebooking‘ habit on Facebook.  We’re left wondering if they’re pining for their old relationship.  Do they want to rekindle things?  Will they/have they tried?  If trust hasn’t been well established in our relationship, we might become irrationally suspicious by mistrusting and/or questioning our partner for no substantial reason.  Suddenly we’re starting arguments that undermine the health of our relationship.


Dr. Tara C. Marshall, Ph.D., explores online post-breakup fixations in her research article Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with PostBreakup Recovery and Personal Growth.  Results based on the responses of 464 participants revealed that one-half to two-thirds of people have made contact with an ex-romantic partner through Facebook, and that over half admit to having looked through an ex’s photos to find pictures of them with a new romantic partner.  Findings from this study suggest that keeping tabs on an ex through social media is associated with poorer emotional recovery and personal growth following a breakup. Therefore, avoiding exposure to ex-partners, both offline and online, may be the best remedy for healing a broken heart.

Solution:  Put Yourself on a Stalking Diet

  1. Do not allow yourself to stalk during the time of day when you know you are the most emotionally vulnerable and/or have unlimited time to comb through the internet for new postings.  For many people this is late at night.  Give yourself an 8 pm stalking curfew!!!  Most likely after 8 pm, you’ll engage in other things that will bring your mood back to a normal, and you’ll be in a less anxious place before you sleep.
  2. If you know you’re not ready to quit cold turkey, put some “stalking hours” in place, like office hours, if you will.  You’re only allowed to check on those you stalk between 2-4 pm, for example.  That way if you find yourself curious about your ex at midnight (especially likely if you’ve been out drinking), you can rest assured you’ll have a chance to stalk to your heart’s content, just postponed a little.  Chances are, you won’t have that same aching (likely misguided) curiosity during the logical hours of the next afternoon.
  3. Delete the social media app(s) that you use the most during your sleuthing for one week.  This will allow you to see how much you actually miss compulsively scrolling through that particular social media site.  You might discover that the cost of missing out (FOMO) is not creating as much emotional damage as stalking does.
  • And if all else fails…
If all else fails…

Digital mental health tools: how do they work?

Teaching cognitive behavioral tools for mood management has been a large part of my psychotherapy practice since I began over 10 years ago.  Some of the most effective tools are relaxation techniques that work to help people manage a wide range of common mental and physical health symptoms, including anxiety/worry, self destructive thinking habits, panic attacks, insomnia, depression and chronic pain.  During psychotherapy, patients learn how and why these tools work, followed by demonstrations and practice in session, followed by homework for review in between appointments.  Innovative developments in technology have given people helpful tools to support what they are learning in psychotherapy, including the ability to measure and track their body’s physiological functioning with wearable devices. A variety of mental health focused mobile apps can work as supportive guides for relaxation, cognitive restructuring, and mood management. Some apps are built as digital games, based on research findings that suggest “gamifying” a scientifically-supported mental health intervention offers measurable mental and behavioral benefits for people with relatively high levels of anxiety.  Mental health professionals now have a wide range of supplemental digital tools to choose from to support their patient care, as well as individuals aiming for increased mental wellness.  Discuss with your mental health provider which digital tools best match the work you are doing together; if she/he is not familiar with any, aim for those utilizing evidence-based practices developed by health professionals, and steer clear of those making dubious health claims.  While the latest ‘best mental health apps’ lists are a great place to start, ultimately the ‘best app’ is one that is a scientifically supported one that you feel you can use with ease and consistency.

What makes these tools so effective and how do they work?

Relaxation techniques improve the mind and body’s physiological functioning and health.  Panic and other physical symptoms of stress are caused by the body’s  automatic reaction to perceived fear.  “The Stress Response” occurs when chemicals flood your body that prepare you for “fight or flight.” While the stress response is helpful in true emergency situations where you must be alert and ready to act, overall exhaustion can occur when constantly activated.  Relaxation strategies work to elicit “The Relaxation Response”, which rebalances your body’s physiological system by: deepening your breathing, reducing stress hormones, slowing down your heart rate and blood pressure, and relaxing your muscles. In addition to its calming physical effects, research shows that the relaxation response also increases energy/ability to focus, fight diseases, relieves aches and pains, heightens problem-solving abilities, and boosts motivation and productivity.

Cognitive techniques such as thought records and mood trackers reduce anxious, depressive or self-destructive thinking habits.  Worry, panic and fear are all normal and automatic human responses to real or imagined threats to safety. Self-evaluative thoughts play an important role in motivating us to identify errors and take action for improvement.  All of these types of thoughts work as a natural alert system, compelling us to make necessary changes that can remove us from harm’s way, decrease harmful behaviors or increase healthy behaviors. While sometimes these thoughts work in our best interest, they can also be hazardous to our mental and physical state of health if left poorly managed.  Automatic thoughts of worry or self-criticism can become distorted and irrational when left unchecked, and actually prevent us from being able to function optimally in our daily lives. Learning to refute and manage irrational thoughts is an important step in healthy coping when faced with uncontrollable circumstances.

Professional mental health treatment by trained experts remain an essential part of diagnosing and treating mental illness.  There is no substitute for understanding the myriad composition, history and progress of an individual’s mental health symptoms.  A person’s mental health can erode suddenly and sometimes without warning; dangerous progression of symptoms can be avoided with timely and appropriate professional care. 



Gen-Y’s tech twist on engagement, weddings and parenthood

While Gen-Y is still getting married at much lower rates than previous generations, some millennials are finally beginning to grow up, entering the world of marital engagements, wedding planning, and parenthood. True to form, their choices reflect advancements that set them apart from Gen-Xers, who were the first to utilize technology to chronicle their love stories on websites like, build wedding registries online, gift personalized CDs with digitally remastered music as wedding favors, show spliced video montages of the bride and groom’s childhood at wedding receptions, and research honeymoons on websites like As a card carrying member of generation X, I can proudly say we thought we were so cutting edge! Our kids were the first to be born with smartphones and tablets in their hands, and we posted their baby pictures on our social media pages and texted them to their grandparents. But time nor technology stands still, and Gen-Y has begun to put their own tech twist on engagements, weddings and baby plans. As a mental health treatment provider and consultant who works almost entirely with millennials in the San Francisco Bay Area, I have taken note of the following trends:

Their romantic relationships have an online life of their own. As the saying goes, no one really knows what happens behind closed doors, but in the personal lives of millennials, we can certainly take a look at their online activity to see what they’d like us to believe about their relationship status and history. The internet has become their forum of choice for chronicling romantic highs and lows, functioning as a means to gain public support, air grievances, compete for attention, and display markers of success (not to mention deleting away failures.) From public playlists on Spotify, hashtags on Twitter and Instagram, Pinterest boards and Facebook’s ‘Relationship Status’ updates, Gen-Y leaves little to the imagination when it comes to sharing their stories of romance.

They crowd source their decisions when it comes to navigating relationships. Millennials are used to solving problems fast, arriving at optimal solutions with the least resistance possible. Millennials have been groomed to work in competency-based teams, and this concept is frequently used for managing their personal lives too. They prefer to avoid conflict, and are more comfortable than previous generations relying on others to help them make decisions. Jeff Snipes, CEO of Ninth House, a provider of online education, including optimizing team effectiveness, says a hierarchical, leader-oriented team was more appropriate for earlier generations: “Traditionally if you worked up the ranks for twenty years and all the employees were local then you could know all the functions of the workplace. Then you could lead by barking orders. But today everything moves too fast and the breadth of competency necessary to do something is too vast.” When faced with life-changing decisions about relationship commitment or endings, Gen-Y seeks the opinions of their team of friends, family and experts to help them navigate and solve problems. When problems are deemed too private to share, websites like popular sites like Whisper and Secret are put to use by millennials as a way to air their private thoughts, share their hidden behaviors and ask for advice completely anonymously, so there is no threat to their carefully constructed online image.

Their engagement stories, weddings and honeymoons reflect their brilliance and investment in personal branding. While previous generations aimed to establish their worth and reputation through self-improvement, author Dan Schawbel of Me 2.0: Build a Powerful Brand to Achieve Career Success points out that Gen-Y has discovered that in the dawn of the internet, admiration and success comes from self-packaging through a carefully concocted personal brand. From the days of Myspace to Tumblr, millennials have grown up managing their self image like celebrity publicists. Gen-Y has turned self-portraits into a way of life- ‘selfies’ have become one of the internet’s top forms of self-expression. Their overall online presence has been a way to uniquely distinguish themselves from everyone else, and they are highly invested in making their relationship milestones ideally memorable as part of their personal brand. Whether they capture and share these milestones via Snapchat’s Our Story, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or personal blogs, millennials are sure to control how the world sees their love stories unfold through brand management. One San Francisco Bay area millennial shared with me she got engaged via FaceTime, since her long-distance boyfriend was living in abroad and couldn’t wait to pop the question. To his credit, her (now fiance) also created an iMovie that he shared with her, depicting him staged in funny scenarios accompanied by a personalized musical score that specially captured their romantic history.

They’re comfortable resisting tradition, understanding that ‘following the rules’ doesn’t necessarily bring ‘happily ever after.’ Author Paul Hudson of Elite Daily, The Voice of Generation Y observes that millennials are far less likely than past generations to buy into the notion that marriage is the gateway to a future of stability and happiness. Harry Benson, research director at the Marriage Foundation, describes the strong link between parental divorce and a reluctance to get married. “If your parents split up then most people are more likely to be quite skeptical about the value of marriage,” he explains. “So as there’s rising divorce rates, you can imagine how when the next generation appears, people will be more dubious about marriage.” Bobby Duffy, leading market researcher on generational analysis, says there are also far more financial pressures on millennials than previous generations. They have more educational debt in a less stable economic climate, and face an incredibly buoyant housing market. According to CNNMoney, twenty-somethings are transitioning into adult life at a more gradual pace, opting to cohabitate and co-parent without traditional marriage at a much higher rate than previous generations.

They anticipate their babies’ future in a world where technological identity matters. One website says it, a new online tool that allows parents to choose a name for their child based on website domain availability. Yes people, this is happening. I heard it first a few months ago when a pregnant patient of mine found out she was having a girl, the first thing she and her cohabiting boyfriend/expecting father-to-be did was buy website domains and establish email accounts in her name. Of course, now there’s an app for that! “It’s important to give your children a fighting chance of having good SEO (Search Engine Optimization) in the 21st century,” says Finnbar Taylor, who created this website together with Karen X. Cheng. “We use search engines all day long to answer our questions and find things, including people. Imagine being called John Smith and trying to get a ranking on Google search. It’s important to give your child a unique name so that people, like potential employers, will be able to find them easily in the future.”

Granted, millennials are still in their 20’s, a time when it’s still developmentally common to be preoccupied with self-image, and an idealized future that looks different than previous generations. The question is, as Gen-Y ages, which of these trends, if any, will change?

Dr. Christina Villarreal is a clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area, CA. She produces web articles, televised and print/web interviews on current issues in mental health and tech culture. She offers consultation and strategy to start up founders and employees.

DJs and Mental Health: Electronic Music’s Last Taboo

DJs and Mental Health: Electronic Music’s Last Taboo

This article was featured in, an international platform for music, art & lifestyle.  Thank you author Dan ColeEditor In Chief at Blueprint Media BV for this well-written and timely article, and for bringing this topic into the light for the music community. I appreciate the mention and inclusion in your writing.

“The challenges of being an on-the-road performer are often popularized in modern culture; more so than they are discussed by real life musicians. One only has to refer to the likes of DJ Ickarus (aka. Paul Kalkbrenner) in Berlin Calling, who succumbs to a mental illness as a consequence of the rock & roll lifestyle he adopts.  Or there’s Frankie Wilde in ‘It’s All Gone Pete Tong’, who struggles with addiction, loss of hearing and arguably, loss of self-identity. Yet, as we happily grimace at these fabricated, big screen purveyors of dance music, mental health issues in real life are no laughing matter. One in four of us will struggle with mental health issues at some point in our life. It’s something however that a very small segment of the DJ community has spoken openly about. So how prevalent is it among the touring DJ scene, and why does it appear to be the last taboo to be broken? We spoke DJ veterans Joost van Bellen and Jeremy P. Caulfield to shed some insight on this sensitive subject.”

Aim For the Stars
Towards the end of Dom Phillips’ 2009 book, Superstar DJs Here We Go! (The Rise and Fall of the Superstar DJ), is the story of Sasha, and how, during the peak of his career, he struggled to deal with the pressure the industry was putting him under to release music. Following the success of several singles and countless mixes, he was still yet to release an album – a record he consistently confirmed was coming out. ‘Muzik magazine went over to New York to interview him. Sasha proved elusive,’ Philips wrote. ‘The eventual feature was entitled The Lost Weekend. Last time Muzik sees him in New York, he’s half underneath his bed at the Soho Grand Hotel, waving a two-litre bottle of vodka in one hand and a bin in the other.’

While we might otherwise laugh at the rock & roll clichéd actions of Sasha at this point in his career, it is clear that these were not the actions of a healthy person. Massively overwhelmed due to an exhaustive schedule and pressure from a baying audience, Sasha’s actions became irrational, and his actions, unsound. These idiosyncratic, patterns on behaviour are characteristic of many artists within the musical sphere. When the pressure is on, and fatigue sets in from over-work then one’s own mental health can begin to suffer. This is especially prevalent when there is an ease of access to excess alcohol and drugs.

“…At one point, after a pretty exhausting tour,
I came back and it just wouldn’t stop –
the anxiety stayed…”

Confiding in the Press
DJs are bearing more than ever in progressively candid interviews with press and media. Quite often an artist will talk about their childhood, liaisons and drug use. Yet very rarely will they talk about some of the mental challenges that have had to tackle. Topics of which can be perceived to be extremely personal. There are a rare few who have gone against the tide. Dutch DJ Laidback Luke is one of them.

“I’ve had burnout twice in my life; I had a burnout when I was 20 and I had a burnout when I was 30,” Laidback Luke confides to online publication, OnlyTheBeat. For a mini-documentary entitled, My Son The DJ, the Dutch DJ elaborates further regarding the latter incident. In 2010 Laidback Luke had the most international bookings out of all Dutch artists (150 in one year) – this inordinate touring schedule, combined with the breakup of his marriage lead to this second period of burnout. “I was in the bus enjoying my time off and I all I wanted to do was fucking scream inside of the bus because I was just getting crazy,” he explains. This is the response of someone who is not just suffering from physical fatigue, but from something more complex, and sometimes misunderstood; nervous exhaustion.

When we’re ill we can see the doctor, or simply take some medication, but matters of the mind are much more difficult to fix. German house DJ, Motor City Drum Ensemble, was honest enough to talk extensively about his anxiety problems in a recent Resident Advisor documentary. “At one point, after a pretty exhausting tour, I came back and it just wouldn’t stop – the anxiety stayed,” he candidly admits. The realisation of such, actively lead to the DJ cutting down on his touring commitments, in order to improve his health.

For every story of someone who’s managed to acknowledge their health problems, there are countless examples of those who haven’t. Just take the tragic story of US house producer Gemini, aka. Spencer Kincy. Luke Solomon talks about Kincy’s problem in a Resident Advisor Exchange podcast, during which he describes how Kincy has ‘decided to opt out of society, to not have a fixed abode, not be a part of the music industry anymore and he doesn’t want to be a part of this world anymore – that’s his choice and mental illness and that, are a factor.’ Although, this is a very drastic example, it only goes to highlight the extent to which mental illness can impact an individual’s life. Something, which were it not to have been brought to our attention, could have easily slipped under the radar.

Dr. Christina Villarreal, a Mental Health Examiner in Oakland, talks about the psychological issues celebrities can struggle with at various points in their career, in an article for The Examiner. Villarrea
l lists the following points:

No Privacy – a suffocating environment can lead to individuals acting out in an uncharacteristic manner, such as ‘unsavoury sexual appetites, volatile outbursts or uncontrolled substance abuse.’
Loss of Self-Sense – this can cause individuals ‘to make choices that no longer reflect their true self.
Loss of challengesa problem that can cause those who’ve become successful, to consistently seek new challenges and ways of becoming even more successful.
Imposter syndromea problem that can lead to inadequacy, when an individual feels that they might not be up for the job.
Quest for media spotlight immortalitya prevalent problem leading to artists going to the utmost limits to ensure that they remain as famous forever.

You can apply any one of these issues to a certain number of DJs. It’s clear that when Sasha was pushing himself around the time of Xpander, as stated at the start of the article, that that lack of privacy and loss of self-sense, was putting a huge strain on the Welsh DJ.

Leading dance music journalist Marcus Barnes, writing on the health issues that touring DJs need to be wary of, consulted senior NHS nurse, Jacqui Jedrzejewski, when writing a similar article for the online outlet, Meoko. As well as various physical ailments, such as back issues and tinnitus, Barnes states that consistent touring, alongside effects of jetlag, can lead to  wide-ranging effects on an individual’s physical and mental wellbeing.’Barnes also refers to the problems of depression, upon which Jedrzejewski states that:

‘Becoming isolated from friends, or the world in general and feeling alone or misunderstood can quickly lead to depression.’

I spoke with Gordon Shippey, a US based psychotherapist and counselor about the perils posed to those exposed to excess fame. “Having an adoring fanbase near at hand can cause problems. One credible explanation for why we see stars acting badly, is that in their fans’ eyes, they can do no wrong. A big part of narcissism is the inflated sense of self-importance. But for people who are legitimately famous, that sense is reinforced by their fanbase.”

“I know DJs who get anxiety attacks and depressions; who get paranoid even when playing at a club or festival”

Joost van Bellen is a revered and legendary DJ from the early days of dance music in The Netherlands. Known throughout the country as one of the instigators of the Dutch electronic music movement, the 54-year old DJ helped established the RoXY club in Amsterdam, which laid the groundwork for the current wave of
underground Dutch and techno.  He recently wrote a book – a work of fiction – about the perils of fame, entitled Pandaogen, from the perspective of a fashion model. “Success and fame would bring happiness, but she loses her friends and herself along the way to the Holy Grail,” explains van Bellen. “It can happen to DJs too, there is actually a DJ in my book who is my nightmare reflection in a mirror.”

Haven spoken previously about his concerns regarding the health implications brought on my excessive DJing, DJBroadcast caught up with the influential Dutch DJ to take his perspective on the whole situation.


“I know DJs who get anxiety attacks and depressions; who get paranoid even when playing at a club or festival,” he explains. “But most of them will be waving they’re hands in the air when they are back in that DJ-booth like nothing is wrong.” Is this a sign of denial, or do DJs not want to let on that this perceived notion them of having a good time is actually a fallacy?

As well as hosting the regular Rauw nights at Amsterdam’s Trouw, van Bellon is still doing two to three shows every week. He used to do a lot more; something which took its toll on his own mental heath.

“I’ve been there: saw things which were not there because of exhaustion and light effects in clubs. I had trouble breathing properly, got hyperventilation attacks and saw the world around me spinning like a merry-go-round.”

So if it is happening, then why does it come across as being so taboo? “You might feel like shit but you always have to be happy and pretend it’s a great party,” he states. DJs, are in a sense, becoming actors, and pretending that everything is fine. Until, that is, when it all goes terribly wrong.

Faking It
Jeremy Caulfield went into semi-retirement recently. The Canadian DJ, producer and label owner moved from Toronto to Berlin a few years ago, after establishing himself as a force to be reckoned with among his fellow tech-house and techno DJ peers. His label, Dumb-Unit, was established at the turn of the century, giving rise to the likes of Butane and Mike Shannon.

Caulfield however called time on his DJing, after recently becoming a father, in addition to taking on the management of a new Berlin-based café and bar, Aunt Benny, which he runs with his wife and brother-in-law. He could see that, if he carried on with the way things were, it wouldn’t work out too well for him. He’s now opted to focus on being a dad and looking after his business – he’ll still take the occasional booking though, but only if it’s for the right reasons; the reasons why he started DJing in the first place.

Fans of Caulfield might have seen this coming. In a 2009 Resident Advisor article, Caulfield expressed his growing weariness of international touring.

‘Years before—on my first tours—I was excited to be in Europe, to visit the sites and to take in the culture. But lately I had not been feeling very inquisitive. My TV intake began to rise, I was getting into the salted peanuts a lot earlier and seeing a town consisted of a pre-gig excursion to the hotel bar. The original sheen had faded.’

Now out of the rat race Caulfield looks back with an objective eye. “I wouldn’t say that I was going nuts yet, but I could see that it was wearing me out,” Caulfield explains. “While I have regrets of not fulfilling my duties, I’m quite happy that I ended it – even though I’ve moved into something even more stressful.”

“…You become a sociopath to some
degree because you have to
maintain this persona…”


As we discuss his experiences, the conversation inevitably came to the subject of ‘loss of self sense,’ as Villarreal described it. “I think after a while you become a sociopath to some degree because you have to maintain this persona,” he says, about the constant need to put the ‘DJ act’ on when meeting people.

“I pulled all my [social] accounts when I retired,” Caulfield continues. “On a narcissistic level, it’s an epidemic, so pulling my Facebook account was a real personal vindication and was one of the most beneficial things for my health.”

“Narcissism is entwined within the fabric of the scene. As a DJ you are projecting yourself to a younger crowd and when you start getting out of touch with that and you can no longer trust your own instincts about what is good and what is cool, that its time to relinquish a bit.”

At what point, after you’ve been promoting yourself and talking-up your own work, do you actually begin to believe the hype you’ve created about yourself? Social media only inflates the DJ-super-ego. Even though, as I discuss with Caulfield, DJs rarely have anything interesting to say.

The Wild Card
Bill Hicks famously said, “I want my rock stars dead,” and in a weird way, we do actually want to see our idols suffer, due to our sycophantic relationship with celebrity and media. There’s a collective ‘sigh’ when our favourite drug-addled musician cleans up, because we worry that the music quality might suffer. Or we drop our shoulders when we read that a DJ we adore doesn’t drink. How can we relate to someone who isn’t as decadent as us?

We are naturally drawn to the eccentrics; the Sven Väths, Squarepushers, deadmau5s – in this world. Some of these wild cards might not have the best grip on reality, but then again, that’s what makes their art so great. “You don’t have to be mentally healthy to be an artist,” Caulfield explains. “Just make sure its not killing you or hurting anyone else around you.” Caulfield makes reference to Danny Tenaglia’s ‘breakdown’ in 2012, in which he took to social media to resign from DJing. During his online rant the US jock complained about how poor he was (‘many people think I am wealthy but I assure I am not’) and that he was intending to move out of his NY loft. Of course this didn’t happen and his resignation was short-lived, but there it was; a breakdown made public through the internet – for all to see.

In all areas of art, we are drawn to those whose eccentricities are exuburated by their individual neuroses: Vincent van Gogh, Daniel Day Lewis, Kurt Cobain. As Joost van Bellen said, “you have to be a little twisted to be a good DJ.”

The Last Taboo
It’s clear that more than likely, some of our favourite DJs have exhibited some of the pior listed traits about irrationality, dependency and depression. Yet, the topic at hand seems to have been ignored in conversation.

While researching the article I reached out to many artists for their opinion and almost all of them declined to comment. This as much didn’t come as a great surprise. While reading Barnes’ Meoko article I saw that Elite Force, aka. Simon Shackleton, had commented on the piece heavily, so I decided to reach out to get his opinion on the situation. “Generally people are very guarded about this side of things,” he told me. “There’s so much smoke and mirrors when it comes to this profession, and honest responses would probably be seen as a sign of weakness by many people.”

“…There’s so much smoke and mirrors
when it comes to this profession…”

Again, there was that reference to avoiding public displays of weakness. Caulfield also touched upon this during our conversation. “No one wants to be a downer,” Caulfield explains. “In these days people who are downers get scuttled under the carpet, this relates to drug usage too.”

Caulfield thinks that the image of the troubled DJ might also have a detrimental impact on their career, which is why people stray away from the topic. “The legitimate side of dance music, where it has moved to now, i.e. big money and business, has grown and any sign of weakness is deemed to be bad. People often will look for a way to take advantage of that.”

All of this, he explains, is tied together through the intricate web of social media. Once someone becomes more open through social media, then their message spreads like wildfire through the music community. Just look at Tenaglia.

Breaking The Habit
The DJ community has become very open when discussing their nefarious habits, such as drug abuse, sexual promiscuity and other on-the-road mishaps. Yet the only way to break the taboo surrounding mental health issues, is to discuss them freely, in an environment free from judgement. Is the electronic music scene ready for that? We can hope that our scene that was born out of open tolerance and liberty, can also embrace the needs of its more challenged participators.

The elements of conceitedness and for all practical purposes, machoism, need to also be addressed. We can’t carry on expecting that DJs live this party-hard, facile style-of-living. By allowing them to be more open and honest, we might even help ourselves approach reality with a fresh perspective. One individual in particular we can point to is Seth Troxler. From his extremely candid interview with Resident Advisor about the problems of holding down relationships, to his RBMA lecture which touched up upon the issues of holding it together, Troxler has been a luminary among the DJ community about discussing real-life problems.

We also need to address our own expectations and understand what effect they have on those we look up to. At some point we should have said, “hey Sasha, Xpander was really cool. I don’t care if you do another album or not, just be who you are.”

Going out, partying and dancing, are forms of escapism; an attempt to temporarily detach ourselves from reality. But how do DJs indulge in escapism and what happens when they need a break? No wonder there’s this perpetual relationship with DJs and drugs. This should be a warning sign, that we need take this issues more seriously.”  – author  Dan Cole, editor-in-chief,