Make coming out as gay about you, not them in 3 simple steps

It’s 2017, and you’ve decided it is time to tell some folks the truth about you: you’re gay, you’ve BEEN gay, and you’re tired of hiding it in both big and small ways.  If you’ve been agonizing about exactly how to tell people you’re gay let me say this first: the most important part of this exchange is YOU.  Your needs, your feelings, your future, and your lifestyle.  This conversation can be short and sweet.

  1. Convey your message in simple language so no one gets it twisted:
  • “Hello? It’s me. I was wondering if you knew that I’m gay.  Yes? You suspected already?  Ok great just checking, I thought I’d officially confirm it. M’kay bye!”  (Hang up phone and start belting out lyrics to your favorite power workout song.)

  • “Hello?  It’s me.  I was wondering if you knew that I’m gay. No?  Ok well glad I checked because I am. Hella gay.  Happy to share with you some ways you could support me, if you’re interested.  If not, we can talk about something else now.”

This is an exercise in getting something off your chest for you, about you.  Maybe the person you’ve told has questions about ‘how sure you are’, ‘if this could be a phase’, or feels compelled to wonder out loud if ‘maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.’  If the person you’ve just told you’re gay responds with doubtful comments and questions you can respond like this:

2.  Convey you do not have doubts about your sexuality. If they have difficulty believing you are in fact, gay, they should work through those feelings on their own. Maybe they need some professional support and/or expertise to become better informed about how sexuality works.

  • “It seems like you’re having a hard time believing that I understand my own feelings and my own sexuality.  What if I were asking you these same questions about your sexuality?  I don’t want to debate my sexuality, just like I’m sure you don’t want to debate yours.”

  • “It sounds like you could use some time to think about what I’ve just told you, based on your comments and questions.  I’ve already thought A LOT about it, and I’m done now.  I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m gay.  There’s nothing else to think about- I’m gay, the end.  When you’ve reached that place too, you’ll feel at peace with it, just like I do.”

3.  Convey you have choices about how you live your life, and the people in it.  Make it clear that while you’d like your personal and professional relationships to remain unaffected by your sexuality, the fact is some people will have a hard time accepting this.  The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who respect and support your goals and are willing to treat you fairly regardless of your sexuality.  This will be a lifelong endeavor, but worth the effort so that you can live your best, happiest, most fulfilled life.

  • “I understand there will be people who won’t like me because I’m gay.  That’s not really any different than people who might not like you (or anyone for that matter) because of things they can’t change about themselves.  If someone doesn’t like me because I’m gay that’s their problem not mine.”

  • “Maybe it’s not obvious, but I’d rather not have to deal with people treating me unfairly or excluding me from opportunities or even basic rights because I’m gay.  The best thing I can do is pursue personal relationships and professional opportunities that allow me to be myself, grow, and pursue fulfilling goals.  It would be great if you could support me. If not, I understand that’s your choice.  You should understand it’s my choice to build a support group of people who accept me.”

The emotional toll of having these conversations should not be underestimated.  It’s normal to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and exhausted by the prospects of sharing news about yourself that may not be well-received.  This is a good time to invest in regular self care activities and connect with people who accept and support you as you are.

Telling people you’re gay need not be a long, complicated, agonizing conversation.  You do not have to allow anyone to make you feel like you’re wrong, unhealthy, or unlovable.  Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is your life, and no matter what your sexuality is you can find a way to pursue happiness, love, fulfillment and success.  We can’t control how people feel about sexual diversity, but we can take strides to protect ourselves from feeling negatively judged by limiting the air time we give them, and focus our attention on building a life of positive self acceptance.

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How to kill it at your new job- proven strategies for getting ahead in a cutthroat culture

So you recently landed a job that lines up well with your career goals.  You’re feeling confident.  Maybe you already have a great track record of achievement- top SAT scores, a stellar graduating GPA, glowing letters of recommendations from past employers.  Your time to shine has finally arrived!  But after settling into your new role, you realize this new work climate is no easy read.  Communication with your boss or co-workers leaves you feeling unsupported, and you start to worry that taking this job was a mistake.  What should you do?  You’d like to avoid moving on prematurely so your resume stays on track.  The following tips will help you kill it at your new job with some proven coaching strategies, even in a cutthroat culture.

Working with an executive coach is a great way to skillfully steer this situation back in your favor.  One of the first things I ask my clients to do is to describe their personal career vision to me.  Outlining one’s career goals helps to pinpoint the various skills and experiences that are necessary to achieve this vision.  Does this job afford you an opportunity to make these gains?  (In all likelihood yes,which is why you sought out and/or accepted the position in the first place.)  Some jobs require you to change more than others- a process which is often unpredictable and frustrating as you figure out how to succeed there.  An executive coach can help you prepare mentally and strategically for this.  Together you will generate lasting and effective solutions to keep you on your personalized track to success.

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Reframe how you’re thinking about the ‘problems’ you’re experiencing at work.  Learn to embrace this job as a purposeful choice you are making for the sake of experience and skill building rather than an oppressive situation that is happening to you.  Remember no one is holding you hostage there.  Ask yourself “Am I ready to adapt to a different way of thinking and operating?”  No one said changing perspectives would feel easy, or that you wouldn’t face major obstacles along the way.  Either stay in the game and take ownership of the experience, or prepare to move on.
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Rise to the occasion: successful leaders search for ways to improve and strengthen themselves in difficult situations, inspiring others to do the same. They are often unflappable and well respected, even in hostile work climates.  That’s what makes them so effective in senior positions and invaluable to a company or organization.
  • What personal strengths do you have that helped you overcome past obstacles?  What did you do to persevere?  Some of my younger, especially gifted and fortunate clients have moved through life with relative ease, so dealing with an uncontrollable work environment can feel especially demoralizing.  Others have come through relative adversity, but realize past coping strategies are no longer sufficient.  If the cultural climate of your new job seems unwelcoming, petty or even combative, you may find yourself avoiding interactions altogether.  I encourage my clients to see this as a chance to learn how to read, respond to and handle a variety of people.  The more versatile and challenging, the more prepared and effective you will be in handling future challenges.
  • Anticipate people’s behavior so you can prepare to respond with efficiency rather than let negative emotions take over.  For example, instead of allowing others’ tardiness to be a constant source of frustration, learn to use this extra time to your advantage by completing simple tasks while you wait, organize your schedule or review to-do lists.  Does your boss constantly place blame on others or set unrealistic goals?  Learn to respond with positivity and an eagerness to improve and support.
  • Aim to view other people’s behavior as a reflection of the setting and their ability to cope with it rather than taking it personally.  Criticism is often a relative opinion.  It doesn’t matter that you were your boss’s favorite employee at your past job.  Learn to view criticism as an opportunity to better understand what others expect instead of getting defensive.
Learn to predict and manage your emotional style so that you are not just reacting, but thoughtfully responding to difficult people and situations with strategy.  You’ve heard some people described as ‘running hot and cold, moody, or unpredictable.’  That’s rarely a good thing in work settings.  Anyone who’s served in a leadership role will tell you that managing difficult people or emotionally charged situations is a necessary part of the job.
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  • You’ll find that working with others is much easier if you are well liked – which means you will be more successful during your time there.  I encourage my clients to step outside their comfort zone and find ways to show interest and demonstrate kindness towards others they might avoid in their personal life.  Almost without exception there will be people we don’t like that we need to work alongside.  Whether or not they are truly reprehensible is irrelevant:  not ‘liking someone’ can quickly erode your working relationships and productivity, and get in the way of your professional goals.  People we don’t even like are not worth that sacrifice!
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  • Identify your emotional and social style, and zero in on what tends to trigger you during times of stress.  How can you build upon this style so that you remain better balanced under pressure?  It’s not uncommon for people to become rigid and/or less effective in their emotional style when distressed.  Rational-leaning people who are valued for their even-keel disposition and logical problem solving may become hyper-rational and avoid attending to emotional information even when necessary for resolving conflict.  Emotionally sensitive people who are skilled at reading others and interpreting social climates can become overtly emotional and lose track of logical solutions when overwhelmed.
  • Appreciate your natural interpersonal style and how it affects others, and challenge yourself to practice more versatility in your social interactions.  Soon others will experience you as highly perceptive and effective in your role.  As a general rule of thumb, be patient and observe social patterns before jumping to conclusions, avoid gossip, and express gratitude and appreciation for others whenever possible.
  • Respect other people’s seniority regardless of how effective you deem them to be in their role.  You can always ‘be right’ silently in your own head (but beware of resting bitch face!)  Take care to demonstrate flexibility and supportiveness and pay attention to how problems are resolved among others.
Maintain a safe distance between your work identity and YOU.   You are a multi-faceted person who exists with needs outside of your career.  Take a break, catch your breath.  The learning curve of new jobs can be draining, so self-care is crucial to your long term functioning.
  • Taking care of yourself is easier if you adopt a consistent pattern of paying attention to your needs, even if it’s with small gestures.  Doing so will have a cumulative effect which will allow you to get back in the game with endurance and motivation.  As time passes, you will develop increased resiliency, perseverance, emotional self control, and things will seem more manageable.

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  • Remember this job is a finite experience, it’s not forever.  These days it is very respectable to stay in any given position for a year or more before moving on to garner other experiences.
Track and summarize what you are learning and how you are growing as a person, not just for the sake of your career.  No one is going to do this for you.  Check in and swap stories with people outside your place of employment.  Commiserating with others is a good reminder you are not isolated nor the only one going through mine fields.  Only the strong survive!!!
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#Squadgoals for grownups: how to build your social crew with confidence

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The Bay Area is home to a large number of people who relocate here for improved work or educational opportunities.  After settling in, most find themselves wanting to establish new local friendships, set up a social community, and increase their sense of group inclusiveness.  Lately I’ve been working with millennials on how to optimize their experience of social group dynamics.  In other words, I help them develop their social crew with confidence, a.k.a. #squadgoals for grownups.  For some, building new friendships in an area brimming with overachievers in tech can feel intimidating, and lead to a sense of social isolation and loneliness.  Others who feel more comfortable in high achieving social contexts may find networking for professional purposes easier, but feel uncertain about how to read social cues outside of structured work settings.
One of the first things I do as an executive coach and therapist to help someone strengthen their social skills and expand their friend group is to understand the role they typically take on in group settings.  Most people can look back to childhood and notice re-occurring patterns in their social lives.  What influential experiences or people shaped your beliefs about friendship growth?  How did you come to understand yourself in comparison to others in a group dynamic?  Taking historical inventory can help people better understand and reflect upon their unique social development.  Why did some groups feel enjoyable and easy, whereas others felt uninteresting or even toxic?    Here are a few social situations that clients are addressing in our sessions:
29 year old  Jason “I’m bummed that some friends who said they’d do a 10k with me a few months ago ended up flaking- it felt pretty rude.  One person basically said they’d go if another mutual friend was going, but not if it was just me.  I feel like my social value in the group is lower than I thought, and now if I don’t go, it just proves I don’t have much influence.”
25 year old Sunako “I have a lot of anxiety in group settings, even when everyone in the group is a friend of mine.  I get worried that I don’t have anything interesting to contribute to the conversation, and I feel like everyone is smarter and funnier than me.”
28 year old Kiaan “I haven’t found a group of friends like the ones I had in NYC- I used to have a group of friends I could just hit up for random stuff, you know, grab a drink or a bite, shoot some hoops, whatever.  I can do that with work people here, but it’s just not the same, you know?  I don’t really connect with people here in the same way.”
Around the same time I decided to pen this article on #squadgoals for grownups, my daughter (who’s in the 3rd grade) hosted a sleepover for ten of her friends.  There’s nothing like watching a group of kids resolve social predicaments over and over as a way to examine the social nuances of group functioning.  As someone who’s well liked by her peers, makes new friends easily, and has successfully welcomed newcomers into her friend group, I wanted her to weigh in on what can help people feel confident in social situations.  I was hoping she’d give me a few basic points of reference to build upon how and why friendships grow stronger, and how to best enjoy social groups.  (The secret is out- multi-tasking parents are not opposed to having our kids do our work for us whenever possible!)  She offered the following tips in plain language, pointing out the most important tenets of developing friendships and navigating social groups.  These universal concepts are timeless, and I truly believe apply to all ages and social strata.  As we get older, we can overcomplicate things, take things too personally, and assign unnecessary value to social roles that undermine our confidence and ability to enjoy others.
  • If you’re feeling shy but would like to make new friends, it helps to remember: no one wants to play alone.  Everyone likes the feeling of being included.  By being part of a social group you can enjoy things differently than when you’re alone.  A group is only fun if people in it are getting along well.  How you can help this happen?  There are different ways you can be included in a social group.
  • If you want to build a leadership role within a group, you have to gain other people’s trust that a suggestion you have is going to go well and be fun.  Some people really like coming up with new ideas for the group, and other people like to add their opinions to a new idea.  A good leader pays attention to other people’s opinions and preferences when they’re coming up with suggestions for the group.
  • Everyone feels good when their idea is used for a group activity, so it’s good to take turns and let other people suggest ideas.  Be enthusiastic about their idea, and pay attention to how they’d it to go.  They’ll probably invite you back to do stuff with them again.
  • Move on from an activity that isn’t working well and don’t take it personally.  Focus on paying attention to what people find fun, and accept that some times an idea doesn’t go as planned.  Just let it go, and do something else.
  • It’s ok if you don’t enjoy coming up with ideas for the group- other people will still really like including you because you make a point to enjoy their suggestions.  They’ll keep including you because by participating you add to the fun of the group, and you’ll become closer friends with others that way.
  • Sometimes you might want to do an activity that other people in your group don’t want to do.  You have to decide what’s more important to you in that moment – doing the activity you had in mind, or doing something with the group.  If other people aren’t interested in joining you for this activity, you should focus on the reasons unrelated to you to that have probably influenced their decision.  You should not take it personally.  Just move on and stay focused on having fun, what ever you decide to do with your time.
  •  If you decide to do something different than the group, you can always meet up with them later, you don’t have to feel like you’re not part of the group anymore.  By getting together with the group another time, you get a chance to do different things, and other people can do the same.  If people in a group get mad anytime someone wants to do something different for a change, it’s probably not going to feel as much fun in the long run.  The best groups should still be able to have fun when people come and go at different times.
  • Most new friendships are established and reinforced because people enjoy doing the same types of things- even doing them alone these activities are fun, but by sharing the experience with other people, it adds to the fun.  In the beginning maybe you don’t feel that close to someone new, but as you do an activity with them, you end up feeling more comfortable and closer to them.  Before you know it you’re very close friends.
She makes it sound pretty simple, right? 🙂
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Meet Your Instructor: Dr. Christina Villarreal

This semester Dr. Christina Villarreal will be teaching a course in Personality Theory at UC Berkeley Extension’s Post Baccalaureate Program for Counseling and Psychology Professions on Tuesday evenings from 6:30 pm to 9:30 pm.  The Post-Baccalaureate Program for Counseling and Psychology Professions is ideal if you need to complete undergraduate course prerequisites or if you want to become more competitive for graduate or professional school in counseling and psychology. Designed for career changers with bachelor’s degrees, the curriculum consists of a range of upper-division psychology courses that are required or strongly recommended by graduate and professional schools in social work, counseling, and psychology. The program also offers you guidance in planning your academic program of study and in initiating the graduate school application process.

Personality psychology, in contrast to abnormal and clinical psychology, is the study of normal and exceptional personalities, their assessment and development, and the processes that define them. Personality psychologists have been influenced by the “grand” theories of personality that tend to have more historical significance than relevance for current personality theories and research. Contemporary personality theories are more specific but still fall under broad paradigms or approaches. Research some of these approaches, including trait, biological, psychodynamic, phenomenological, behavioral and learning, and social-cognitive theories.

Effective Strategies for Managing Your Mood: A Dailey Method Workshop

This month I’ll be facilitating a workshop for The Dailey Method, Piedmont!

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Effective Strategies for Managing Your Mood: How to Be Your Best Self More Often with Christina Villarreal, Ph.D
The consequences of not effectively managing our worst days means we are less motivated, less productive and more likely to fall short of others’ expectations. Our relationships at work and home suffer, bearing the brunt of our stressed out mood. Most of us do our best to prevent a bad mood from spiraling out of control, but wouldn’t it be great if you could do it more effectively; before too much damage is done?

Sunday, September 27th 1:30-2:30 pm

4409 Piedmont Ave.

Oakland, CA 94611
510.985.1955

San Francisco Mental Health Expert Succeeds In A Variety Of Roles

I recently had the privilege of being featured in an interview with journalist Michelle Guilbeau for CBS SF Bay Area for their spotlight column on career development.  I appreciated the opportunity to share my educational path and career choices for those who are interested pursuing careers in the field of mental health and wellness.

“Christina Villarreal, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, adjunct professor at UC Berkeley, executive personal coach/consultant, digital media expert, blogger and public speaker. She completed a B.A. in psychology from Emory University and opted to complete a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy at The University of San Francisco. Afterwards, Villarreal decided she wanted to further develop her clinical and forensic assessment skills and teach at a graduate school level, so she earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology at The California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University. Here, she had a wide range of experiences, including year-long clinical rotations at some of the Bay Area’s most prestigious teaching hospitals: The San Francisco VA Hospital, UCSF/San Francisco General Hospital, and the flagship Kaiser Hospital in Oakland. Villarreal conducted research and completed her doctoral dissertation on the gender and cultural influences on sexual risk behavior among Latinos in the U.S.

(Photo Courtesy of Christina Villarreal, Ph.D)

What are the responsibilities of your current role? 

Currently, I function in a variety of professional roles. As a mental health expert/psychologist, I help people manage a variety of problems, including mood disorders, interpersonal/familial difficulties, sexuality issues, job related stress, and improve social functioning and health/wellness. I also provide forensic assessment, consultation and expertise in legal settings and for media purposes (televised interviews, digital journalism, newsprint/magazines.).

“As an executive/personal coach, I work largely with the Bay Area’s tech community, helping high-achieving millennials and Gen X’ers improve their emotional intelligence, work-life balance, dating goals, time management/organization, leadership growth, and career development/transitions. I publish digital articles that reflect the mental health and life management issues my clients are working through in my practice. I also serve in an advisory/consultation role for tech startups aiming to develop mental health tools or wellness resources within their company. Lastly, I am an instructor at UC Berkeley in their post baccalaureate program in psychology.”

What is your favorite part of your daily duties?

“I really enjoy the process of helping people tap into their full potential and achieve their life goals. It’s an honor to be given opportunities to reach wider audiences and educate the public about improving mental health and wellness.”

Do you feel your education prepared you for your current role? 

“My education allowed me to gain the necessary knowledge and expertise to practice in a variety of roles within my private practice as a mental health professional, coach, author, and educator. After years of practicing as a psychologist, I opted to seek additional coursework and training as an executive coach through The College of Executive Coaching in order to better serve high functioning individuals reach their respective career and life goals.”

Do you have any advice for people who desire to pursue a similar career? 

“I encourage people to work hard and stay focused on what is most important to them, and to talk as often as possible to people who are practicing in the roles they hope to achieve.”

Michelle Guilbeau is a writer, reviewer, teacher and business owner living in Chicago, Illinois. She also has experience in school administration, literacy coaching and is proud founder of CraftKitsForKids.com and MichelleGuilbeau.com Michelle enjoys sharing her knowledge of Chicago, food, travel, education and parenting issues with her readers. Her work can be found onExaminer.com.

Dr. Christina Villarreal on WVON Chicago, with Perri Small Discussing American Beauty Standards

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Stay tuned, this week Dr. Christina Villarreal will be joining radio station WVON The Talk of Chicago.  WVON is the only black owned & operated radio station in Chicago, 3rd largest in the nation, and is now celebrating 52 years in operation.  WVON can be heard across the nation via iHeartRadio app.  Dr. Villarreal will be speaking with the host, veteran journalist Perri Small about the high price of beauty in a nation obsessed with physical appearance. The conversation will touch on a topic I covered in an article I penned in 2012:  The Kim Kardashian Effect:  America’s Obsession With Beauty

Kim Kardashian and America's obession with beauty

Millennials Do It Their Way: Optimizing Casual Sex So Everyone Wins

Read between the lines.
If reading between the lines isn’t working for you, try speaking up and being direct!

Millennials coming of age experience in the United States has been uniquely influenced by their access to the free, unlimited sexual content widely available on the internet.  This access has served not only as a resource for their sexual curiosity and consumption, but as a primary resource for easily connecting to people who share their sexual preferences on the dating sites of the moment.  Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University analyzed data from a survey of more than 33,000 adults in the U.S. to measure the country’s shifting sexual landscape.  The data revealed that Millennials were the most likely generation to acknowledge having casual sex; 45 percent of them said they had slept with someone other than a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse during their late teens or 20s.  Overall, adult acceptance of premarital sex increased from 42 percent in 2000 to 58 percent in 2012, an all-time high.  “Americans are spending more of their lifetime unmarried, so they have more opportunities to engage in sex with more partners, and less reason to disapprove of non-marital sex” reports Twenge.  She opines that increasingly permissive attitudes toward sex are a sign of the rise of individualism in America.  She explains “when a culture places more emphasis on the needs of the self and less on social rules, more relaxed attitudes toward sexuality are the almost inevitable result.”

More and more young adults are supporting the current trend in sexual decision-making, where commitment and emotional connection are seen as unnecessary precursors to first time sexual encounters with others.  In theory, this allows people to get their sexual needs met, while minimizing the emotional risks and responsibilities associated with interpersonal intimacy.  In my practice as an executive/personal coach in the San Francisco Bay Area, it’s relatively common practice for both men and women to report having sex with someone they’ve just met.  Based on this first sexual encounter, they may choose not to see them again, may establish a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement, or opt to get to know them on a deeper, emotional level through dating if a romantic relationship is something they’re seeking.  In most cases there’s a trial and error period, as people who are still very new to each other attempt to communicate their sexual preferences and get their needs met.  Millennials’ prolific use of texting as a primary form of communication, habit of avoiding vulnerabilityawkward interpersonal exchanges, and peer conflict can all contribute to frequent misunderstandings and rapid start/stops within their sexual encounters, regardless of what the end goal may be.  In some cases, getting stuck in a pattern of ineffective/unsatisfying sexual encounters can lead to anxiety, depression and an over-reliance on recreational substances.

As a coach and mental health expert I help people develop and practice the necessary skills for optimizing their new sexual experiences and increase their ability to find, establish and maintain satisfying relationships.  This article aims to provide some practical guidelines for optimizing the outcomes of your casual sex encounters while dating, and insightful tips for decoding the opposite sex along the way.

Men seeking sexual encounters with women:

  • Adopt an early communication style that encourages a positive response from women.  What does that mean? Skip the crude humor in online and text exchanges- chances are, you’re likely only entertaining yourself (or infamously landing yourself in one those Buzzfeed Tinder Fail lists) and that’s not the point is it?  Humor is fine, and can be a good initial approach online, but seriously, a little goes a long way.  Increase your odds of getting a genuine response from women by taking yourself out of the dregs of online dating wasteland- try telling an original, funny story about yourself, relate to something personal on a woman’s profile, or at minimum, send a quick hello with your array of pics to see if what you have going on is of interest to her.  Have a friend (preferably female) screen your online pics.  It may seem trivial, but poorly chosen pics can make or break your online dating success.
  • Once you’re corresponding consistently with someone, be proactive and suggest a specific plan to get together.  While this seems like a no-brainer, a lot of guys fail to get the ball rolling while they have a woman’s attention.  Comedian Aziz Ansari conducted focus groups with hundreds of people for his new book Modern Romance, getting intimate details on why people have problems with dating.  He shares “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end, but since it’s usually the guys initiating, this is a clear area where men can step it up.” So guys, to optimize your chances of establishing a sexual encounter, strike while the iron is hot.  While you’re keeping someone around as a text buddy, someone else is closing the deal as her new sex partner by making specific plans.  It might be entertaining and easy to have an assortment of women to text and exchange photos with, but these women will eventually fade you out of the picture for someone they know in real life.
  • Be sincere and honest about what your ideal arrangement is right now.  Just because you’re wanting to keep things casual doesn’t mean you’re decreasing your chances for sexual opportunities with women.  There are plenty of women who are open to keeping things casual too!  Plenty.  It doesn’t make sense to allude to wanting a more committed relationship if you actually don’t- doing so only increases the odds of introducing drama I’m sure you’d rather avoid.  Women can absolutely relate to wanting to experience an array of people before settling into a committed relationship, and understand you may be in a stage of your life where you’re prioritizing other life goals above romantic relationships.  In short, aim for integrity when you engage with someone in pursuit of sex.  Establishing this mutual understanding up front will create a space where both of you can focus on what you’re actually there for- sexual pleasure.
  • Real talk: If you aren’t asking what you can do to help a woman achieve orgasm and/or paying close attention to figuring out what she enjoys (and spending more than a little time doing this) it’s safe to guess you’re coming up short in bed.  Which of course, is your choice.  Just consider that when a woman finally does come along that you actually care about pleasing (even if it’s years and countless women from now), you likely still won’t have much of a clue about how to get her off (especially if you’re a fan of male produced porn).  There’s a good chance you’ll pale in comparison to other guys she’s been with, which is not a good look if you want to become that person’s significant other/favorite sexual partner.  If that’s not enough motivation, consider this:  when a woman reaches full sexual attraction to a sex partner she is going to be much more agreeable and feel more confident about trying new things for the sake of her partner’s pleasure.  That sexual fantasy you’ve had since the 8th grade?  That could go down if you play your cards right. #Thankmelater

Women seeking sexual encounters with men:

Speak Up Clearly and Consistently To Avoid Confusion.  Taking a meek approach in communicating your sexual preferences is going to seriously set back your sexual pleasure (and possibly compromise your sexual safety). Remind yourself:  Men cannot read your mind (and your subtle non-verbals can go unnoticed) because men and women are culturally socialized to communicate in different styles.  Be direct with your words and your actions about what you like and what you don’t like. Think about it: when men engage sexually, most do a pretty good job of getting their sexual needs met.  Porn and sex in movies perpetuate the myth that men do exactly what women love during sex (and women are supposed love it, regardless of how ridiculous it is!)

Set The Pace:  Literally and Figuratively.  Figuring out a sexual pace that feels good between two people comes from familiarity and predictability, neither of which have been established when you’ve only recently met someone.  So in addition to communicating openly, take the time to find a pace that works for both of you. Try not to approach sex like it’s fast food eaten at 2 am after staying out all night- which is usually on a whim, followed by almost instant regret.  Take your time and do it right– these SOS Band song lyrics were a hit for a reason!

STOP FAKING IT IN BED.  Really.  Pretending that you enjoy things during sex that you don’t is synonymous with digging your own sexual grave.  Take one for the team, and stop sending guys the wrong message that what they are doing sexually is awesome when you know that it’s not.  Funny but true story:  A 25 year-old attractive Asian woman I’m coaching tells me “So I met this guy randomly, and after we talked and hung out for a while, we eventually decide to go back to his place where we end up having sex.  Right away he starts fingering me with way too much force, to the point where it’s actually hurting me and I’m going numb from it!  So I stop him and say ‘hey when you touch me like that it hurts’ and he looks at me and says a little defensively “ok well… some women like it like that.”  She deadpans, “Christina I had to break it to him… “Um NO.  NO ONE likes it like that!”  We both had a good laugh at her candor in the moment.  I could not have been more proud of her for speaking up for herself!

Stop filtering and dismissing guys so quickly- be optimistic about seeing if you can develop good sexual chemistry with guys who don’t fit your bill. These days, you can swipe right to meet guys using more filters than your favorite photo editing app offers- you can specify height, body type, education level, location, age, etc. One of the most common complaints I get from women is that they rarely feel attracted enough to guys to even see them a first or second time.  But who you think will be attracted to sexually may not be a good match in real life.  Scientists working with Match.com found that we are horrible at knowing what we want; the kind of partner people said they wanted often didn’t match up with what they were actually interested in long term.  What works well for predicting good first dates doesn’t tell us much about the long-term success of a couple let alone their sexual chemistry.  Psychologists like Robert B. Zajonc explains, “while we are initially attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize, the things that make us more attracted to someone are their deeper, more personal qualities, which come out only during sustained interactions” – the “mere exposure effect” is repeated exposure to a stimulus which tends to enhance one’s feelings toward it.

This last point applies to anyone and everyone seeking sexual or romantic connections of any and all kinds:

Do Not Let FOMO Take Over.  You’ve read about, you’ve experienced it, you’re sick of hearing about how Millennials are  responsible for amplifying this toxic trend in a digital era.  That said, I’ve seen far too many people spend endless amounts of time spinning their wheels, agonizing over not meeting/dating enough people they find interest in.  A billion and one first dates later, still…nothing.  Begin to rethink what this could mean…maybe this isn’t the strategy that is going unearth the person who gets you excited and holds your attention.  Switch it up, peel your eyes away from your phone, pull your earbuds out and take a look around you.  Make eye contact and smile, maybe even say hi to the person next to you- this could be your first moment together of many better ones to come.

 

Rachel Dolezal: Why would a white woman misrepresent her race as black? Psychological insights from a mental health expert.

Rachel Dolezal- Now and Then.NAACP official Rachel Dolezal of Spokane, Washington has recently come under tremendous media fire for misrepresenting her racial identity as African-American for approximately the past 10 years.  Her biological parents have publicly made statements that the family’s ancestry is Czech, Swedish and German with some “faint traces” of Native American heritage as well. Her parents have also provided journalists with a copy of her daughter’s Montana birth certificate listing herself and Larry Dolezal as Rachel’s parents as evidence to validate her identity.

While CNN has yet to get comment from Rachel Dolezal directly (as of the production of this article), she has alluded to a family fight over alleged abuse, according to the Spokesman-Review.  She has also recently refused to directly answer a newspaper journalist’s questions about her racial heritage, and said she wanted to talk to local NAACP leadership first. “I feel like I owe my executive committee a conversation,” she said.  Public response to this controversy been mixed, with some reflecting a sentiment of confusion, others with speculation, cynicism, or support.  Many want to know:

“Why would a white woman pretend to be Black?”

As a mental health expert with a wide range of treatment experiences in various settings, I can offer some psychological insight regarding what might lead someone like Rachel Dolezal to identify as a member of an oppressed racial group.  Based on the information that has been made publicly available through news media sources such as CNN, I can begin to hypothesize what may be some possible reasons behind a person’s choice to racially align themselves with an African American/black racial identity in spite of having a Caucasian/white racial heritage.

In my experience as a mental health professional over the past 15 years, I have worked with a number of individuals who’ve had the unfortunate experience of discrimination, abuse, trauma and crime.  The emotional trauma of victimization is a direct reaction to the aftermath of experiencing discrimination, abuse, trauma, and/or crime.  Abuse victims can suffer a tremendous amount of physical and psychological trauma.  While some are emotionally resilient and manage to overcome the real adversity they experience, others are less so, and experience higher levels of emotional pain and suffering.  In some cases however, a person’s understanding of themselves as a ‘victim’ is not in response to actual or significantly measurable experiences of abuse, trauma or discrimination.  This can occur as a result of a personality pre-disposition that develops early on in some people, as a way for them to psychologically cope with receiving what they feel is ‘unfair treatment’ from others.

Sometimes, a person’s perception of what is ‘fair and unfair’ can be very distorted.  It may be that they are highly sensitive to feeling slighted, and/or develop a sensitivity to early criticism.  They may have difficulty coping what many other people are capable of accepting as the normal ups and downs of life.  When someone’s personality develops in this way, they can feel entitled to ‘better treatment’ than they are receiving, and when they don’t get it, they feel it’s because others are purposefully mistreating them. In their minds, it’s this perceived ‘mistreatment’ that leads them to developing an identity as a ‘victim’ as a way to process their experience of being chronically wronged.

Over time, someone who has developed emotionally in this way may be drawn towards people and experiences that reinforce their experience of being mistreated in the world.  They may even provoke people and/or manipulate circumstances so they can claim they were wronged.  Over time, they may come to rely on garnering sympathy from others as a way to benefit from the emotional support of those who are sympathetic to their experience.  Receiving this type of support can reinforce their pattern of identifying as a chronically mistreated person. Taking on the ethnic identity of a member of a systematically socially oppressed racial group could give someone an opportunity to not just experience real discrimination and racial prejudice, but also garner emotional, social and political support from equal right’s activists.

Rachel Dolezal grew up in what her parents called a diverse environment, with family friends of various ethnic backgrounds, and four adopted siblings who are black. She was “always interested in ethnicity and diversity” growing up, her mother Ruthanne said.  Media sources have pointed out a clear discrepancy between early photos of Rachel Dolezal as a blonde, fair skinned white woman and recent photos that reveal she has chosen to alter her physical appearance by darkening her skin and adopting an afro-like hairstyle with a kinky/curly texture as a way to portray herself as having an African-American racial heritage.  Many people are sounding off that Rachel Dolezal “has been dishonest and deceptive with her racial identity.”  What do you think?