The New York Times recently published an article titled ‘Line Up, Children, Single File‘, discussing the growing number of families across the United States in which all of the adult children are single. According to a survey released by the Pew Research Center in September, 25 percent of Americans are expected to be single into their mid-40s and mid-50s, and are unlikely to have ever been married. As of 2013, there were over 100 million single people in the country. Of that number, 53 percent were women, and 47 percent were men. Today’s newsfeed on all fronts has no shortage of opinion articles comparing the lifestyles, functionality and happiness of single people versus partnered. The topic remains unavoidable, with various countries taking different stances on their citizens’ marital status and proliferation.

The San Francisco Bay Area is home to men and women of varying ages and cultural backgrounds seeking professional help to figure out “why they’re still single.” Even typing that phrase induces an instant urge in me to clarify: there is no reason to believe something is wrong with you, or your life if you remain single or unmarried until the end of your days. Okay carry on.

Some people remain single as a way to focus on personal goals, explore life’s choices with freedom, and experience a range of romantic undertakings. Undoubtedly, today’s generation of American youth benefit from a longer period of socially acceptable time in which to delay settling down romantically. Even with this cultural shift in marital expectations, many still feel pressured to figure out their romantic future. One young woman’s social media success has spawned from capitalizing on her ‘crazy Jewish mom’s‘ comical text rants about her dating life and overzealous attempts to find her daughter an ideal match. Some of #crazyjewishmom‘s texts to her daughter:

“Happy birthday spawn. Welcome to the wrong side of 25. The expiration date on your eggs is officially in sight. Tick Tock.”

“NO RING ON THE FINGER YOU MUST NOT LINGER”

“Exactly how long have you two been dating? I don’t want you to become the girl who stayed too long and then ‘OMG, I’m 40 and I forgot to get married and have babies.’ YOU WILL GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN.”

This type of societal pressure can fall especially hard upon women.  Many consider freezing their eggs, panicked about their single status and how this may impact the future of their fertility. They speculate: “What if I never find someone I’m attracted to enough to want to marry? I don’t want to end up alone. I have friends who’ve spent years with someone, gotten engaged and then it goes south before they even make it to the alter. Having to start over like that, what a nightmare!”

Men may be concerned that the woman they’re seriously dating or living with “might not be the one.” Guys may not dissect their relationships with their friends the way women do, but they still worry. “There’s this expectation that we get engaged; get married. Her friends, our parents, all expect me to pop the question, but I just don’t know if it’s the right thing for me. Especially right now. Maybe things will change in the future, I don’t know. The pressure to be financially ready feels overwhelming, and I’m I’m not sure if our connection is strong enough to make a marriage work well, or last for that matter. I feel guilty because I care a lot about her, and I don’t want to waste her time. She wants a marital commitment now, and I’m just not there yet.”

Strategies that can help people skillfully maneuver their relationship status, regardless of what direction it takes.

• Stop overthinking everything. Constantly freaking out about the future or ‘worst case scenario’ will ironically contribute to that scenario unfolding. Whether you’re scared you’ll be #foreversingle or you can’t figure out if you’re with the ‘right person’, focusing your time and attention on that negativity will prevent you from gaining the perspective you’ll need to move forward skillfully and insightfully. Take pause and ask yourself “Am I working myself into tailspin over something that hasn’t even happened yet?” Make a concerted effort to focus on the here and now so you can reflect that reality, instead of a poor outcome that hasn’t even arrived.
• The first and foremost task of dating someone new (if the goal is developing a committed relationship) is identifying if you can consistently have fun with each other (especially outside of sex) without constant conflict. I cannot underscore the importance of this. It makes zero difference how this person ‘looks on paper’, ‘looks in a bathing suit’ or ‘looks like to your family’ if you cannot get along genuinely and consistently. Does your relationship stand up to what I call the DMV test? Can you see yourself still wanting to spend time with this person, even if it means you’re just waiting with them to take care of their business at the DMV? Would they do this with you; keep you company? Because real life relationships are not constantly filled with a string of fun, well-planned dates. Long-term relationships are filled with real life, which is often a lot of monotonous, draining tasks. Find someone that can make the tasks of real life still fun and enjoyable because the two of you have fun doing them together. If you primarily only enjoy spending time with someone while being sexual, and/or you don’t have many mutual interests outside of the sexual chemistry, accept this relationship for what it is: a great hook up partner. They will likely not fulfill your needs beyond that, and you will drive each other crazy trying to force this relationship into being something that it’s clearly not.
• If the idea of seeking out couples counseling has come up between you and your partner before you’ve even managed to fully commit, consider this.  Is your relationship mutually satisfying at a near 10 (on the relationship scale, with 10 being total bliss)?  This is a good goal when you decide to fully commit to someone as a life partner. If you can’t get there without enlisting a professional relationship referee, the two of you are likely not a good long term match. Because life will wear the relationship down. (Watch any of Chris Rock’s bits on relationships; his point is, ‘LIFE IS LONG‘. There are no ‘soulmates,’ there are just mates- basically, choose someone you get along with well.) When you decide to settle down with someone, you both should feel like the relationship is strong and solid. Like “we can conquer anything together!” Because over time, difficult and sometimes tragic things can happen. Parenting demands, job loss, health problems, extended family problems, financial strain, poor choices, and mistakes that hurt each other can happen. Eventually, that relationship that was once a 9 or 10 will settle into a pretty decent 7 or 8 on your best to average days. Even if it drops considerably on the worse days, it’s still strong enough to be a tremendous source of support, love, and consistency to weather the long journey of life. If you start out committing to a relationship that at it’s best is a 6 or 7, life can lead that relationship to gravitate consistently into the lower third on the relationship scale. These relationships that dwindle into the 2’s and 3’s during harder times make for a pretty dysfunctional family life.

• Aim to communicate your feelings with the person you’re dating honestly, even if those feelings are uncertainty about the future, or your ability to further commit. You do not have to know how you’ll feel in the future to be ‘fair’ to your partner. But you should communicate how you’re feeling right now, and give yourself and this person a fair chance to make a decision about how to proceed based on the current climate of the relationship.

• Lastly, remember that no one’s relationship, regardless of length or marital status is easy all the time. All relationships face challenges and difficult periods. There will be unsolvable differences between you. If you can figure out how to manage these differences respectfully and with the understanding that no one is perfect, you will reap the benefits of all that a loving and long lasting relationship has to offer.

Dr. Christina Villarreal offers professional support to help you reach your life goals at any stage.  She provides executive coaching and consultation for adults, with specialties in: emotional intelligence, time management/organization, wellness/health management, dating, organizational diversity/cultural awareness, professional business development, peak performance/leadership, creativity/ innovation, and network growth/leverage. Specialization in working with the Bay Area’s tech community, including start-up founders and their employees, executives in finance, design marketing, attorneys and engineers, and wide range of creative professionals.  LGBTQ populations welcome.

Dr. Villarreal will be serving as a Social Relationships Expert for girlsaskguys.com, a social community website focusing on love, sex and relationships.  Girlsaskguys.com is a platform leveraging the curiosity of an ever expanding social community, in which women and men of varied backgrounds discuss a wide array of lifestyle issues ranging from dating & relationships to fashion & health, by sharing their experiences & opinions to help each other.

The website offers both anonymous users, as well as its members tools to ask questions, share opinions and experiences to help the opposite sex. The website hosts questions asked by males as well. Launched in June 2007 the website has been funded privately; in September 2013 the company raised $1 Million in its first funding round. The website reaches10 million visitors/members every month, with a sizable social media following.  The site has gained widespread international popularity, with EllasSaben.com meeting the demand of Latin America’s Spanish speaking population. Furthermore, kizlarsoruyor.com is one of the most popular social media sites in Turkey, ranked in the Top 5.  Membership to GirlsAskGuys is free. Upon subscription and through site participation members earn points, which later can be redeemed for gift certificates or other exclusive features. Points also allow members to advance levels, which is an indicator of member activity.

This article was written by (in creative collaboration with) David Zimmerman, who leads business development for Yeti. He’s from Portland, OR, has lived in Denver, Vail, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Spain. David loves to surf, snowboard, hike, golf, cook, and rap. He’s currently residing in LA, but loves getting back to the northwest to spend time with his family.

Hey, what’s up?

The infamous text message sent millions of times daily from couples, friends, and parents around the globe. But what does this message really mean? You might want to know what someone else is doing at that particular moment. You also may have an interest in what’s literally up (the sky), but that’s not likely. The latter, and most complex of the three ideas, is that you’re asking for attention through this message in order to feel loved… but who’s going to admit that?

You may be thinking, “I would never do that, I’m not lonely.” Think again. Have you ever sent a message to your ex saying “hey,” or reach out to a friend through a text saying something like, “what are you doing tonight?” I’m guilty of doing these things, but have come to realization why I do it.  I’m chasing that feeling of connection and closeness with someone that values my attention. By actually saying that you love or miss someone, you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position, and that meaning is so much deeper than a text. We are afraid to be vulnerable, so we reach out our feelers by messaging as many of our contacts as possible when we feel lonely and disconnected… but who’s going to admit that?

While technology has given us the ability to grab the attention of our friends more efficiently than ever, it’s also diluting our message when we do reach out.  We receive texts, chat messages, emails and pings on our social media websites of choice all day every day, but it’s become so easy to ignore them because we feel busy and overwhelmed by the volume of attempts to get our attention.  Facebook invites go unopened, Evites go unseen, and yet we still feel disconnected.  We are losing the ability to enjoy the moment, because we are focused on finding our best options for feeling loved.  

So how do we hit the brakes, and check ourselves before we wreck ourselves?  Stop complaining about the inundation of technology, and choose to do things a little differently. By opting out of ‘the easy way’ we’re actually improving our chances of a real connection.

Try doing things ‘Old School’

I remember standing by my locker in high school, backpack strapped to my right shoulder. The thought of asking a girl out was scary and nerve-racking, but so exciting at the same time. The potential risk of getting shut down made me anxious, but it was worth the risk for the potential reward — putting myself out there and going on a date with an awesome girl I was into. There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings, it’s natural, and it felt real. The culture of texting, social media, and online activity is so commonplace, we’re becoming numb and indifferent about engaging with people in the moment.  Our reluctance to invest in others emotionally is leading us lose touch with the pleasure of building face-to-face relationships based on spontaneous interactions.

How do people date now?

In college, finding a date was pretty easy. You consistently run into the same people on campus, and over a four year period get to know a lot of those people very well. Living in the dorms made this even more simple, because you’re surrounded by peers who are all excited to be living on their own with little to no rules. There’s no one to tell you who you could or couldn’t see, the only thing holding you back was making sure that your roommate wasn’t around when you brought a date back to your room. This scenario was great because you are forced to step outside of your comfort zone, and approach someone that you’re interested in. Even at a bar, restaurant, or class, asking someone on a date was pretty simple.

Now things are a little different. I call this “post-college life.” Many of us are working hard to pursue a career that both pays well and is something we’re passionate it about. One of my best friends from college used to say “you should always work for a company you love, or in a location that you love- if you find both, then you are officially living the dream.”  The older I get, the more true this seems.

Sometimes a job leads us to a new location, or an uncomfortable situation where we feel overwhelmed or out of our element.  With work taking up the majority of our lives, it can be hard to find time to meet new people. The reality is, you have to work at building relationships, and even then, these new relationships take time to turn into gratifying social support.

This may be why the millennial generation enjoys the passive dating/social media scene, using apps like Tinder, Grindr, Hinge, and Grouper to find people who can potentially fill the void of real human connection and belonging. These platforms generally only serve as a short term solution to avoiding the sting of social isolation, rejection and feelings of awkwardness that come with taking social risks. Chivalry doesn’t have to die, gentlemen.  According to Dr. Christina Villarreal, a clinical psychologist who works with a wide range of generation Y folks in the dating scene, women still love to receive sincere compliments, be surprised with thoughtful cards or other personalized gestures, and genuinely feel like they are special to someone.  Men still want to know their attention is being well-received, and that their investment of time and effort will pay off in a relationship that feels rewarding.  That being said, here are five ways to slow things down and make dating more interesting again.

Here are 5 ways to help

1. No Texting – Try to avoid texting when you first meet someone that you’re interested in. It’s amazing how much a conversation can be misconstrued through a message (even with emojis). By avoiding texting someone every 3 minutes the week after you meet them, you will actually be surprised by things they say, and excited to see them for another date!
2. Spontaneity – I’ve learned a lot from my mother and sister about how to treat women, and I know they love the serendipity of living in the moment (then again, who doesn’t?). I’m not saying you have to launch elaborate plans every time you see someone you’re interested in, but simply pay attention to their subtle cues to make a positive, meaningful impact. For example, if a girl you like mentions in passing that she loves sorbet (the raspberry, gluten free, Talenti brand), then next time you see her, bring over the freakin’ sorbet. Mind blown.
3. Forget the phones – Take someone out on a date where you don’t need a phone. Go for a hike, explore new terrain, or drive to a part of town you’ve never been before. Getting lost together can help the two of you bond on a deeper level, by working together to solve a problem. Don’t worry, if you don’t document the entire trip on social media, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.
4. Pay attention to the non-verbal cues around you – Glances in your direction are happening all around you!  Better yet, try noticing when someone is deliberating over making a selection in a store, this could be an opportunity to share your experience with something, or ask what theirs has been. The goal is engaging for the sake of connection and the potential reward is huge.
5. Make a habit out of chatting with strangers – Try exchanging a few casual comments with interesting people around you throughout your day.  It only takes a few words to start the ball rolling, but the effect is instant. Suddenly you’ll notice how fostering connections with others in real life feels so much better than another fleeting ‘like’ of your pic, status update, tweet.

The autumn season for many young people is an exciting time of year. Seniors in high school are excitedly anticipating next steps in their educational paths, contemplating their college selection and admission possibilities. Freshman in college are in the throes of their first term/semester, scrambling to survive and balance their newfound independence, educational demands, and social development.

One of the questions I am asked most often by young people is “How did you make it through college successfully and get in to graduate school? How was it pursuing a Ph.D. in psychology? I also receive emails from young people all over the country hoping I might share with them helpful advice on pursuing graduate school. Many of them do not have role models to approach for guidance, particularly young people of color and/or those who may be the first generation to attend college in their family or community.

An excerpt from a message I recently received:

Dear Dr. Villarreal,
I am a senior in high school in Utah. Since I was in 8th grade I was interested and fascinated with psychology. I am still interested now that I’m a senior. I want to study psychology and I came upon an interview that you did on YouTube and you really stood out to me. I am also a Hispanic female, therefore you were really inspirational to me! I had some questions about how you chose your undergraduate school. This seems to be the only thing I am worried about and I don’t exactly know what I should be looking for. Also, I know that I want to open my own private practice in the future and I wanted to know how you started yours. Thank you so much for you time.

At every step along my journey through college and graduate school I benefited from peers, teachers, and employers who helped guide me towards success and taught me to tap into the essential motivation and stamina it takes to overcome the inevitable challenges, setbacks and failures along the way. According to American College Testing (ACT), one in every four college students leaves before completing their sophomore year and nearly half of all freshmen will either drop out before obtaining a degree or complete their college education elsewhere. The tips in this article serve as a guide to surviving your first year of college with improved odds for success. Developing the right tools, skills, and habits early on can help you not only succeed in college and your future career, but in managing a well-balanced life.

1. Attend freshman and campus orientations. It is extremely tempting to skip some of the long-winded freshman year orientations that take place at the beginning of the school year. Even if you don’t hear any new information, these gatherings are an excellent opportunity to ask questions, meet other like-minded peers, and commit newly learned information to memory.
2. Make an effort to befriend roommates and others in your residence hall. The people you live with your freshman year are all likely going through similar transitions and emotions as you, and can be huge source of support as you adjust. This built in network of people serves not only as a team to problem solve day-to-day challenges, but will open up continued opportunities for social support.
3. Stay on campus as much as possible your first year. Frequent trips home to eat or do laundry, off campus jobs, or maintaining romantic partners from home can stand in the way of fully adjusting to college. The more time you spend acclimating to your campus and new peers, the more comfortable you’ll be in your new environment and the more likely you are to thrive there.
4. Get organized. In high school, teachers typically lead you through all the homework and due dates. In college, professors hand out a course syllabus and/or post the assignments online for the entire term/semester and expect you to prepare independently. While digital devices are a great way to get organized, maintaining a hard copy calendar is also extremely helpful for mapping out a ‘master timeline’ for completing all your readings, assignments, tests, and other important events. While good grades might have come naturally to you in high school, you will have to develop a new set of organization and study habits to survive your new educational setting.
5. Become an expert on course requirements and due dates. Professors spend hours preparing course syllabi and calendars so that you will know exactly what is expected of you, and when. One of my most memorable failures (that thankfully I can laugh about now) is when I didn’t realize that a freshman course final exam was only ‘optional’ for those people who’d earned a certain number of points by the end of the semester. Don’t get burned by finding some things out too late!
6. Commit to a study area and time schedule. With a never-ending calendar of social opportunities, campus events and parties it’s very easy for unstructured ‘study time’ to fall by the wayside. As early as possible, carve out specific times in your schedule to complete your readings and studying. Set realistic deadlines for yourself and stick to them. Choose a place with as few distractions as possible and make a commitment to going regularly. Selecting study partners is also important- decide early on which of your peers are better as study partners and which are better reserved for socializing only.
7. Seek a balanced life. College life is an ever-changing mix of social opportunities, academic demands, and self-care. Try to prioritize what’s most important to you in advance and then make your choices accordingly. Peers can be extremely influential in your daily habits so try to surround yourself with like-minded people who will help you maintain a balance that’s well-suited to your personality and abilities.
8. Attend class regularly. Avoid the temptation to sleep in or go late to that 8 am class. Without parents or attendance requirements to keep you on track, it’s a slippery slope when you start giving yourself permission to skip classes. Even if your professor is simply reviewing a powerpoint presentation that is available online, you’ll miss the exposure to auditory learning which will help you perform better on exams and assignments. You also risk missing vital information from professors about what to expect on exams, changes in due dates, etc.
9. Connect with students in your classes. Aim to meet at least one new person in each of your classes and exchange contact information with them. Everyone appreciates someone else making an effort to say hello, so try to overcome feelings of shyness. These connections will serve as an important resource when you have to miss a class or need to build or join a study group down the road.
10. Visit your professors during their office hours. Speaking as a professor, I can assure you there are only benefits to getting to know your professors, especially if later in the semester you run into some problems and need to ask for extensions or planned absences. Professors maintain office hours for the sole purpose of meeting with students to help them troubleshoot and succeed in their course.
11. Meet with your academic adviser at least twice a year. This is the person who will help you with course conflicts, adding and dropping courses, planning out your terms/semesters, and selecting majors and minors and their requirements. Your academic adviser can play an integral role in leading you towards a timely graduation. Don’t be afraid to request another adviser if you don’t click with the one assigned to you.
12. Don’t feel pressured to decide on a career right away. Even if it seems like everyone else knows what they’re doing with their lives, try to resist committing prematurely to a specific career path if you feel undecided. College is a time for you to explore what you enjoy learning in greater depth. It may take a few different directions before you have a greater sense of how you’d like to spend your time once you graduate. Further, just because it feels like a struggle to succeed in a given area, don’t give up easily. Trust your attraction to a particular area of study. Passion is the fuel for hard work and determination, which will allow you to succeed over time.
13. Consider joining student organizations. A big hurdle for a lot of new students is the combination of homesickness and a feeling of not belonging, particularly for students of color, sexual minorities and those living far from their regional home. Look into joining student organizations, clubs, sororities or fraternities, or sports teams. You’ll benefit from much needed social support, learn new skills, and feel more connected to your school.
14. Don’t be afraid to enlist extra help. One of the biggest mistakes students can make is not securing extra help early on, before becoming overwhelmed and lost. Take advantage of the study resources on campus- most have learning labs and tutors available, or consider joining/forming a study group. Don’t feel ashamed for needing extra resources or support. Every successful professional (including myself) got there by adopting a ‘do whatever it takes’ approach to achievement. College is a humbling time for just about everyone at one point or another. Make an effort to shift your focus away from evaluating yourself by the grades you earn. Instead, look for upward growth as a marker of success. My own college transcripts definitely reveal a slow and humble start, with steady improvements along the way.
15. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else. Everyone learns in different ways, and at different paces. Everyone comes from different backgrounds with a wide range of life experiences, making college easier or harder, depending on their origins. If I’d given up after realizing other people were learning faster than me, or earning higher grades than me, I definitely would NOT have succeeded in earning a Ph.D. I wasn’t the smart kid who earned straight A’s, and I had to work much harder and longer than many of my peers to achieve passing grades. I made a lot of mistakes and faced a fair amount of setbacks along the way. Eventually college got easier, even though the courses got harder because I became more familiar with what study habits worked best for me. In spite of those challenges and setbacks, I continued to pursue my long term goal of earning a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Accept early on that it may take you longer than expected to reach your goals, and the path you take to get there may be different from those around you. Keep asking for help, but be prepared to work harder than others around you if you expect to see successful, competitive results.
16. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. Try not to waste time placing blame on others for problems you face along the way. Move on and take the attitude that no one else is worth losing sight of your goals. Part of being an adult means taking responsibility for what happens to you, regardless of how you got there.
17. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. College is a time of tremendous change and ongoing challenges. Expect to have moments when everything seems too difficult to continue, or feeling like everyone else seems to be getting along better than you. Take a break and wait for those moments to pass; they will. Just keep moving forward and take one day, one week at a time.
18. Make time for self care. Be sure to set aside time and activities that help you relax and take the stress out of your day or week. Whether it’s spending time with friends or communicating with family for support, engaging in your favorite type of exercise or hobby, or having downtime watching your favorite television shows or movies, be good to yourself. It will feel like you don’t have time to relax! But by doing so you will recharge and have better focus when you return to your studies.
19. Maintain healthy eating and sleeping habits. Adequate sleep and nourishment are essential for maintaining your mood and energy level. While college dorms and apartment settings are great places to socialize with your peers, they aren’t always conducive to maintaining good health habits. Make a concerted effort to develop and maintain realistically healthy dietary and sleep habits. Freshman are especially vulnerable to gaining weight from unrestricted junk food and alcohol consumption. Aside from taking a negative toll on your physical health, don’t underestimate how these bad habits can affect your mental health as well. Even if you are the envy of your friends because you’re less prone to alcohol hang-overs or weight gain, poor health habits will eventually take a toll on your mental functioning and consequently your ability to thrive at your highest potential.
20. Seek professional help when you need it. Familiarize yourself with your college’s health resources and counseling centers. If you become sick, or notice ongoing feelings of isolation, anxiety or depression, don’t wait for things to worsen before taking advantage of the many services these offices provide for students. You don’t have to face these issues on your own. Consider asking a friend to go with you if you feel reluctant to go alone or offer to go with a peer who may be struggling. Keep a list of emergency hotlines for handling crises such as experiencing suicidal thoughts, sexual violations or violence.

BONUS TIP: Keep track of your spending habits. While a fortunate few of you will have adequate financial support during your college years, many of you will need to learn how to budget your money and spending habits early on. Regardless of your financial resources, it’s important to develop responsible skills in money management- the earlier the better. Avoid succumbing to credit card solicitations on campus or in the mail. The average credit card debt of college graduates is shocking, and can take a staggering number of years to pay off. Familiarize yourself with what options you have in your college’s financial aid center, and plan accordingly.

Final Words of Advice for College Students~ Your college years will fly by before you know it.  Try to hold on to the positive experiences and let go the hardships. Invest in healthy relationships and avoid negative people that can drain you, stress you out, pressure you, or demand more of you than you can afford to give. Don’t be afraid to try new things, go new places, or take new risks! Some of the best experiences I had were the result of taking a leap of faith in myself and my ability to figure something out after the decision/commitment was already made. Roll the dice and bet on yourself to succeed, even if the odds are seemingly stacked against you. Remember that setbacks are NOT failures, they are extended opportunities to learn and grow in new ways. Furthermore, what you learn from those setbacks will prove to be the backbone of your strength and abilities later in life. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. No one else is keeping track like you are; as soon as you get back on the right path, those incidents will fade away as you continue to accrue new achievements. I look forward to hearing your success stories!