Executive coaching was developed to help people make the most of their abilities, gain deeper self-awareness, build people skills and resiliency for mastering the challenges of work life. Startup founders, senior management or leaders with significant responsibilities enlist coaches to help them bring new insights and skills to their relationships and broader life picture.
Coaching startup founders through crucial conversations isn’t just serving as a sounding board while they pitch investors, work through co-founder conflict and make hiring and firing decisions as their company scales. Founders undergo a great deal of personal transformation on this journey. They are also responsible for elevating early employees into leadership roles in which they likely have little to no experience. When founders use coaching to learn evidence-based cognitive behavioral tools for personal growth and in their management practices, they internalize a coaching mindset. This leadership style positively impacts the overall health and stability of the organization’s interpersonal climate.
This week while working with a client on communication skill building, she asked me:
Here’s a truth I’ve learned from having thousands of therapy and coaching sessions with people about their toughest crucial conversations: everyone experiences heightened, uncomfortable emotions. So unless you’re a psychopath (which is a different article!) it’s not realistic to expect to remain emotionally unchanged when facing high-stakes, crucial conversations. Humans evolved to experience this ‘Fight or Flight’ Response as a survival instinct in the face of perceived threat. When we anticipate having a high-stakes conversations, our brains can get railroaded by our emotions, mimicking the addiction response and diminishing our ability to think critically and generate effective responses. Without developing a practice to manage effectively this pattern, founders are at high risk for making poor management decisions and eventually burnout.
The premise of Cognitive Behavioral Theory is that our emotions are triggered by automatic thoughts that serve to alert us to the possibility of imminent danger. People’s perceptions occur as spontaneous thoughts, which directly influence their emotional, behavioral, and physiological reactions. Our perceptions are often magnified or distorted when they are distressed, making it difficult to see things objectively. By examining our “automatic thoughts” and identifying the factual evidence that refutes them, we are more capable of seeing a view that more closely resembles reality. With practice, our distress will decreases considerably, allowing us to make behavioral choices with higher functionality.
Billionaire investor, author and co-founder of Oaktree Capital Howard Marks discusses risk assessment and the psychology of investing on The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish. He attributes his success with high-stakes decision-making to his ability to confront the evolutionary emotional programming that automatically drives human behavior. He shares that by adopting a mindset of ‘dispassionate observation and examination of thought‘ before acting, people can learn to accept the impossibility of predicting or controlling the future with 100% accuracy. This mindset reduces the risk of making decisions that overshoot a situation, out of instinctual enthusiasm or fear. In essence, putting cognitive behavioral tools at the helm of his investment decision-making. Founders can use this approach for their toughest, crucial conversations to stabilize their emotions, conserve mental energy and improve the odds of a successful outcome.
How to Use Cognitive Behavioral Tools in Crucial Conversations:
Practice writing out evidence-based thought records to dissect past situations that have lead to uncomfortable feelings. This simple but powerful exercise trains your brain to re-examine how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all interconnected.
Practice observing behaviors and listening for the ‘content versus conditions’ of a conversation as a way to spot the risk of a conversation turning into a conflict. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation (a hostile condition), the interaction is no longer about the original purpose (the content)- it is now about defending oneself, further escalating emotions.
Our emotional responses naturally turns into a ‘storyline’ or narrative in our head when we perceive hostility that feels like an injustice, shaping how we ‘make meaning’ of the person’s actions. Look for the factual evidence that supports your storyline and identify the emotional response tied to it.
With the understanding that rarely is any situation 100% factually true, look for the evidence that does not support your ‘story’. Practice questioning your conclusions – look for evidence that supports other possible perspectives with the goal of identifying multiple perspectives.
Keep practicing the habit of identifying your emotional response and stories, developing a more balanced point of view rather than accepting your own without question. Learn to understand and take into account multiple perspectives before engaging in crucial conversations. This mindset will translate into more effective exchanges in your relationships, and ultimately help you become a more successful, well-respected leader.
The holidays are coming, or as people in the tech industry like say ‘seasonality‘ is approaching. During this time of year most of us will face a series of negotiations and decisions with people across our professional and personal lives. Conversations will unfold with co-workers and loved ones as we work to sync calendars, discuss budgets for spending, solidify holiday plans, and account for the differing needs of others during the busiest time of year. When differences of opinions arise, the urge to ‘be right’ is an irresistible response that heightens our emotions and can fuel conflict with others. (To every family member of mine reading this bear with me as I illuminate the small yet significant insights you’ve inspired over the years. Thank you for being my experimental group! Signed, Dr. Know-It-All.)
‘Assuming positive intent‘ can help us move past our need to ‘be right’ and ‘win the debate’ and instead, cultivate a conversation where both parties are invested in finding effective solutions. While the following tips won’t necessarily ‘feel right’ or reinforce your hard-won identity as a debate champion, it will help you avoid the emotional drain of gridlocking with others committed to their point of view.
How to ‘assume positive intent’
The act of trying something new with a lightness of heart can be referred to as a ‘lark’. How to assume positive intent when conflict arises with others using my L.A.R.K. approach:
Listen for their story. When we hear an opinion from someone that contradicts our understanding of a situation, we tend to stop listening because we become preoccupied with changing their mind until they agree with us. When we stop listening, we not only signal to the other person we aren’t interested in understanding them, we literally cut ourselves off from hearing critical information that could help lead to a mutually agreeable solution.
Acknowledge their point of view. Our tendency is to jump to conclusions when someone does something differently than we would, and assume the worst. Because humans are hardwired to perceive threat in instances of conflict, we focus on finding ulterior motives in those who disagree with us. Make a genuine effort to understand the premise of their opinion based on the information they have, and acknowledge their right to see things differently than you do.
Respect their difference. When we assume another person is misinformed, wrong or has malicious intentions, our tone of voice and non-verbal micro-expressions can turn negative. This can be read by others as an unwillingness to respect differences of opinion. Guard against communicating unintentional disrespect by modeling the response you would like to receive from others when it’s your turn to share your opinion.
Kindness cultivates generosity. Now when you feel yourself gunning to ‘prove your rightness’, take a step back and remember that when you preoccupy yourself with changing someone’s mind, you are reducing the likelihood of them responding with generosity, and increasing the likelihood of them responding with animosity when it’s time to generate possible solutions. Your job is to listen, acknowledge, respect, and convey kindness before moving on to explore possible solutions that could be mutually agreed upon.
My father was an absolutely wonderful human being. From him I learned to always assume positive intent. Whatever anybody says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response. You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying to understand and listen because at your basic core you are saying, “Maybe they are saying something to me that I’m not hearing.” So “assume positive intent” has been a huge piece of advice for me.
Recognizing a different opinion doesn’t mean you are admitting fault, that your point of view is inferior, or that your opinion should have less value than others. Rather, assuming positive intent gives the other person the benefit of the doubt in order to set the best possible tone for generating solutions. It doesn’t mean you agree with their opinion, but it does allow you to see with more clarity where bridges could exist.
So when your co-founder, team mate or significant other holds an opinion that is entirely different than yours, aim to identify their operating system before trying to change it!
Give yourself the command “Tools > Clear History” to rid your mind of cutter that obstructs your ability to listen with less judgement. While we may never truly ‘know’ another person’s underlying motivation behind their point of view, we can aim to convey a willingness to respect their difference. Our mutual bandwidth for problem-solving is increased when we assume positive intent, so all parties gain more data points to generate viable solutions.
So you recently landed a job that lines up well with your career goals. You’re feeling confident. Maybe you already have a great track record of achievement- top SAT scores, a stellar graduating GPA, glowing letters of recommendations from past employers. Your time to shine has finally arrived! But after settling into your new role, you realize this new work climate is no easy read. Communication with your boss or co-workers leaves you feeling unsupported, and you start to worry that taking this job was a mistake. What should you do? You’d like to avoid moving on prematurely so your resume stays on track. The following tips will help you kill it at your new job with some proven coaching strategies, even in a cutthroat culture.
Working with an executive coach is a great way to skillfully steer this situation back in your favor. One of the first things I ask my clients to do is to describe their personal career vision to me. Outlining one’s career goals helps to pinpoint the various skills and experiences that are necessary to achieve this vision. Does this job afford you an opportunity to make these gains? (In all likelihood yes,which is why you sought out and/or accepted the position in the first place.) Some jobs require you to change more than others- a process which is often unpredictable and frustrating as you figure out how to succeed there. An executive coach can help you prepare mentally and strategically for this. Together you will generate lasting and effective solutions to keep you on your personalized track to success.
Reframe how you’re thinking about the ‘problems’ you’re experiencing at work. Learn to embrace this job as a purposeful choice you are making for the sake of experience and skill building rather than an oppressive situation that is happening to you. Remember no one is holding you hostage there. Ask yourself “Am I ready to adapt to a different way of thinking and operating?” No one said changing perspectives would feel easy, or that you wouldn’t face major obstacles along the way. Either stay in the game and take ownership of the experience, or prepare to move on.
Rise to the occasion: successful leaders search for ways to improve and strengthen themselves in difficult situations, inspiring others to do the same. They are often unflappable and well respected, even in hostile work climates. That’s what makes them so effective in senior positions and invaluable to a company or organization.
What personal strengths do you have that helped you overcome past obstacles? What did you do to persevere? Some of my younger, especially gifted and fortunate clients have moved through life with relative ease, so dealing with an uncontrollable work environment can feel especially demoralizing. Others have come through relative adversity, but realize past coping strategies are no longer sufficient. If the cultural climate of your new job seems unwelcoming, petty or even combative, you may find yourself avoiding interactions altogether. I encourage my clients to see this as a chance to learn how to read, respond to and handle a variety of people. The more versatile and challenging, the more prepared and effective you will be in handling future challenges.
Anticipate people’s behavior so you can prepare to respond with efficiency rather than let negative emotions take over. For example, instead of allowing others’ tardiness to be a constant source of frustration, learn to use this extra time to your advantage by completing simple tasks while you wait, organize your schedule or review to-do lists. Does your boss constantly place blame on others or set unrealistic goals? Learn to respond with positivity and an eagerness to improve and support.
Aim to view other people’s behavior as a reflection of the setting and their ability to cope with it rather than taking it personally. Criticism is often a relative opinion. It doesn’t matter that you were your boss’s favorite employee at your past job. Learn to view criticism as an opportunity to better understand what others expect instead of getting defensive.
Learn to predict and manage your emotional style so that you are not just reacting, but thoughtfully responding to difficult people and situations with strategy. You’ve heard some people described as ‘running hot and cold, moody, or unpredictable.’ That’s rarely a good thing in work settings. Anyone who’s served in a leadership role will tell you that managing difficult people or emotionally charged situations is a necessary part of the job.
You’ll find that working with others is much easier if you are well liked – which means you will be more successful during your time there. I encourage my clients to step outside their comfort zone and find ways to show interest and demonstrate kindness towards others they might avoid in their personal life. Almost without exception there will be people we don’t like that we need to work alongside. Whether or not they are truly reprehensible is irrelevant: not ‘liking someone’ can quickly erode your working relationships and productivity, and get in the way of your professional goals. People we don’t even like are not worth that sacrifice!
Identify your emotional and social style, and zero in on what tends to trigger you during times of stress. How can you build upon this style so that you remain better balanced under pressure? It’s not uncommon for people to become rigid and/or less effective in their emotional style when distressed. Rational-leaning people who are valued for their even-keel disposition and logical problem solving may become hyper-rational and avoid attending to emotional information even when necessary for resolving conflict. Emotionally sensitive people who are skilled at reading others and interpreting social climates can become overtly emotional and lose track of logical solutions when overwhelmed.
Appreciate your natural interpersonal style and how it affects others, and challenge yourself to practice more versatility in your social interactions. Soon others will experience you as highly perceptive and effective in your role. As a general rule of thumb, be patient and observe social patterns before jumping to conclusions, avoid gossip, and express gratitude and appreciation for others whenever possible.
Respect other people’s seniority regardless of how effective you deem them to be in their role. You can always ‘be right’ silently in your own head (but beware of resting bitch face!) Take care to demonstrate flexibility and supportiveness and pay attention to how problems are resolved among others.
Maintain a safe distance between your work identity and YOU. You are a multi-faceted person who exists with needs outside of your career. Take a break, catch your breath. The learning curve of new jobs can be draining, so self-care is crucial to your long term functioning.
Taking care of yourself is easier if you adopt a consistent pattern of paying attention to your needs, even if it’s with small gestures. Doing so will have a cumulative effect which will allow you to get back in the game with endurance and motivation. As time passes, you will develop increased resiliency, perseverance, emotional self control, and things will seem more manageable.
Remember this job is a finite experience, it’s not forever. These days it is very respectable to stay in any given position for a year or more before moving on to garner other experiences.
Track and summarize what you are learning and how you are growing as a person, not just for the sake of your career. No one is going to do this for you. Check in and swap stories with people outside your place of employment. Commiserating with others is a good reminder you are not isolated nor the only one going through mine fields. Only the strong survive!!!
The Bay Area is home to a large number of people who relocate here for improved work or educational opportunities. After settling in, most find themselves wanting to establish new local friendships, set up a social community, and increase their sense of group inclusiveness. Many could benefit from developing their social crew with confidence, a.k.a. #squadgoals for grownups. For some, building new friendships in an area brimming with overachievers in tech can feel intimidating, and lead to a sense of social isolation and loneliness. Others who feel more comfortable in high achieving social contexts may find networking for professional purposes easier, but feel uncertain about how to read social cues outside of structured work settings.
One of the first things people can do is aim to understand the role they typically take on in group settings. Most people can look back to childhood and notice re-occurring patterns in their social lives. What influential experiences or people shaped your beliefs about friendship growth? How did you come to understand yourself in comparison to others in a group dynamic? Taking historical inventory can help people better understand and reflect upon their unique social development. Why did some groups feel enjoyable and easy, whereas others felt uninteresting or even toxic? Here are a few examples of young millennials working through social challenges:
29 year old Jason “I’m bummed that some friends who said they’d do a 10k with me a few months ago ended up flaking- it felt pretty rude. One person basically said they’d go if another mutual friend was going, but not if it was just me. I feel like my social value in the group is lower than I thought, and now if I don’t go, it just proves I don’t have much influence.”
25 year old Sunako “I feel nervous in group settings, even when everyone in the group is a friend of mine. I get worried that I don’t have anything interesting to contribute to the conversation, and I feel like everyone is smarter and funnier than me.”
28 year old Kiaan “I haven’t found a group of friends like the ones I had in NYC- I used to have a group of friends I could just hit up for random stuff, you know, grab a drink or a bite, shoot some hoops, whatever. I can do that with work people here, but it’s just not the same, you know? I don’t really connect with people here in the same way.”
Around the same time I decided to pen this article on #squadgoals for grownups, my daughter (who’s in the 3rd grade) hosted a sleepover for ten of her friends. There’s nothing like watching a group of kids resolve social predicaments over and over as a way to examine the social nuances of group functioning. As someone who’s well liked by her peers, makes new friends easily, and has successfully welcomed newcomers into her friend group, I wanted her to weigh in on what can help people feel confident in social situations. I was hoping she’d give me a few basic points of reference to build upon how and why friendships grow stronger, and how to best enjoy social groups. (The secret is out- multi-tasking parents are not opposed to having our kids do our work for us whenever possible!)She offered the following tips in plain language, pointing out the most important tenets of developing friendships and navigating social groups. These universal concepts are timeless, and I truly believe apply to all ages and social strata. As we get older, we can overcomplicate things, take things too personally, and assign unnecessary value to social roles that undermine our confidence and ability to enjoy others.
If you’re feeling shy but would like to make new friends, it helps to remember: no one wants to play alone. Everyone likes the feeling of being included. By being part of a social group you can enjoy things differently than when you’re alone. A group is only fun if people in it are getting along well. How you can help this happen? There are different ways you can be included in a social group.
If you want to build a leadership role within a group, you have to gain other people’s trust that a suggestion you have is going to go well and be fun. Some people really like coming up with new ideas for the group, and other people like to add their opinions to a new idea. A good leader pays attention to other people’s opinions and preferences when they’re coming up with suggestions for the group.
Everyone feels good when their idea is used for a group activity, so it’s good to take turns and let other people suggest ideas. Be enthusiastic about their idea, and pay attention to how they’d it to go. They’ll probably invite you back to do stuff with them again.
Move on from an activity that isn’t working well and don’t take it personally. Focus on paying attention to what people find fun, and accept that some times an idea doesn’t go as planned. Just let it go, and do something else.
It’s ok if you don’t enjoy coming up with ideas for the group- other people will still really like including you because you make a point to enjoy their suggestions. They’ll keep including you because by participating you add to the fun of the group, and you’ll become closer friends with others that way.
Sometimes you might want to do an activity that other people in your group don’t want to do. You have to decide what’s more important to you in that moment – doing the activity you had in mind, or doing something with the group. If other people aren’t interested in joining you for this activity, you should focus on the reasons unrelated to you to that have probably influenced their decision. You should not take it personally. Just move on and stay focused on having fun, what ever you decide to do with your time.
If you decide to do something different than the group, you can always meet up with them later, you don’t have to feel like you’re not part of the group anymore. By getting together with the group another time, you get a chance to do different things, and other people can do the same. If people in a group get mad anytime someone wants to do something different for a change, it’s probably not going to feel as much fun in the long run. The best groups should still be able to have fun when people come and go at different times.
Most new friendships are established and reinforced because people enjoy doing the same types of things- even doing them alone these activities are fun, but by sharing the experience with other people, it adds to the fun. In the beginning maybe you don’t feel that close to someone new, but as you do an activity with them, you end up feeling more comfortable and closer to them. Before you know it you’re very close friends.
Millennials coming of age experience in the United States has been uniquely influenced by their access to the free, unlimited sexual content widely available on the internet. This access has served not only as a resource for their sexual curiosity and consumption, but as a primary resource for easily connecting to people who share their sexual preferences on the dating sites of the moment. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University analyzed data from a survey of more than 33,000 adults in the U.S. to measure the country’s shifting sexual landscape. The data revealed that Millennials were the most likely generation to acknowledge having casual sex; 45 percent of them said they had slept with someone other than a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse during their late teens or 20s. Overall, adult acceptance of premarital sex increased from 42 percent in 2000 to 58 percent in 2012, an all-time high. “Americans are spending more of their lifetime unmarried, so they have more opportunities to engage in sex with more partners, and less reason to disapprove of non-marital sex” reports Twenge. She opines that increasingly permissive attitudes toward sex are a sign of the rise of individualism in America. She explains “when a culture places more emphasis on the needs of the self and less on social rules, more relaxed attitudes toward sexuality are the almost inevitable result.”
More and more young adults are supporting the current trend in sexual decision-making, where commitment and emotional connection are seen as unnecessary precursors to first time sexual encounters with others. In theory, this allows people to get their sexual needs met, while minimizing the emotional risks and responsibilities associated with interpersonal intimacy. In my practice as a coach in the San Francisco Bay Area, it’s relatively common practice for both men and women to report having sex with someone they’ve just met. Based on this first sexual encounter, they may choose not to see them again, may establish a ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement, or opt to get to know them on a deeper, emotional level through dating if a romantic relationship is something they’re seeking. In most cases there’s a trial and error period, as people who are still very new to each other attempt to communicate their sexual preferences and get their needs met. Millennials’ prolific use of texting as a primary form of communication, habit of avoiding vulnerability, awkward interpersonal exchanges, and peer conflict can all contribute to frequent misunderstandings and rapid start/stops within their sexual encounters, regardless of what the end goal may be. In some cases, getting stuck in a pattern of ineffective/unsatisfying sexual encounters can lead to poor health functioning or an over-reliance on recreational substances.
As a health educator I help people build the necessary skills to find, establish and maintain healthy sexual relationships. This article aims to provide some practical guidelines for optimizing the outcomes of your casual sex encounters while dating, and insightful tips for decoding the opposite sex along the way.
Men seeking sexual encounters with women:
Adopt an early communication style that encourages a positive response from women. What does that mean? Skip the crude humor in online and text exchanges- chances are, you’re likely only entertaining yourself (or infamously landing yourself in one those Buzzfeed Tinder Fail lists) and that’s not the point is it? Humor is fine, and can be a good initial approach online, but seriously, a little goes a long way. Increase your odds of getting a genuine response from women by taking yourself out of the dregs of online dating wasteland- try telling an original, funny story about yourself, relate to something personal on a woman’s profile, or at minimum, send a quick hello with your array of pics to see if what you have going on is of interest to her. Have a friend (preferably female) screen your online pics. It may seem trivial, but poorly chosen pics can make or break your online dating success.
Once you’re corresponding consistently with someone, be proactive and suggest a specific plan toget together. While this seems like a no-brainer, a lot of guys fail to get the ball rolling while they have a woman’s attention. Comedian Aziz Ansari conducted focus groups with hundreds of people for his new book Modern Romance, getting intimate details on why people have problems with dating. He shares “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end, but since it’s usually the guys initiating, this is a clear area where men can step it up.” So guys, to optimize your chances of establishing a sexual encounter, strike while the iron is hot. While you’re keeping someone around as a text buddy, someone else is closing the deal as her new sex partner by making specific plans. It might be entertaining and easy to have an assortment of women to text and exchange photos with, but these women will eventually fade you out of the picture for someone they know in real life.
Be sincere and honest about what your ideal arrangement is right now. Just because you’re wanting to keep things casual doesn’t mean you’re decreasing your chances for sexual opportunities with women. There are plenty of women who are open to keeping things casual too! Plenty. It doesn’t make sense to allude to wanting a more committed relationship if you actually don’t- doing so only increases the odds of introducing drama I’m sure you’d rather avoid. Women can absolutely relate to wanting to experience an array of people before settling into a committed relationship, and understand you may be in a stage of your life where you’re prioritizing other life goals above romantic relationships. In short, aim for integrity when you engage with someone in pursuit of sex. Establishing this mutual understanding up front will create a space where both of you can focus on what you’re actually there for- sexual pleasure.
Real talk: If you aren’t asking what you can do to help a woman achieve orgasm and/or paying close attention to figuring out what she enjoys (and spending more than a little time doing this) it’s safe to guess you’re coming up short in bed. Which of course, is your choice. Just consider that when a woman finally does come along that you actually care about pleasing (even if it’s years and countless women from now), you likely still won’t have much of a clue about how to get her off (especially if you’re a fan of male produced porn). There’s a good chance you’ll pale in comparison to other guys she’s been with, which is not a good look if you want to become that person’s significant other/favorite sexual partner. If that’s not enough motivation, consider this: when a woman reaches full sexual attraction to a sex partner she is going to be much more agreeable and feel more confident about trying new things for the sake of her partner’s pleasure. That sexual fantasy you’ve had since the 8th grade? That could go down if you play your cards right. #Thankmelater
Women seeking sexual encounters with men:
Speak Up Clearly and Consistently To Avoid Confusion. Taking a meek approach in communicating your sexual preferences is going to seriously set back your sexual pleasure (and possibly compromise your sexual safety). Remind yourself: Men cannot read your mind (and your subtle non-verbals can go unnoticed) because men and women are culturally socialized to communicate in different styles. Be direct with your words and your actions about what you like and what you don’t like. Think about it: when men engage sexually, most do a pretty good job of getting their sexual needs met. Porn and sex in movies perpetuate the myth that men do exactly what women love during sex (and women are supposed love it, regardless of how ridiculous it is!)
Set The Pace: Literally and Figuratively. Figuring out a sexual pace that feels good between two people comes from familiarity and predictability, neither of which have been established when you’ve only recently met someone. So in addition to communicating openly, take the time to find a pace that works for both of you. Try not to approach sex like it’s fast food eaten at 2 am after staying out all night- which is usually on a whim, followed by almost instant regret. Take your time and do it right– these SOS Band song lyrics were a hit for a reason!
STOP FAKING IT IN BED.Really. Pretending that you enjoy things during sex that you don’t is synonymous with digging your own sexual grave. Take one for the team, and stop sending guys the wrong message that what they are doing sexually is awesome when you know that it’s not. Funny but true story: A 25 year-old attractive Asian woman I’m coaching tells me “So I met this guy randomly, and after we talked and hung out for a while, we eventually decide to go back to his place where we end up having sex. Right away he starts fingering me with way too much force, to the point where it’s actually hurting me and I’m going numb from it! So I stop him and say ‘hey when you touch me like that it hurts’and he looks at me and says a little defensively “ok well… some women like it like that.” She deadpans, “Christina I had to break it to him… “Um NO. NO ONE likes it like that!” We both had a good laugh at her candor in the moment.I could not have been more proud of her for speaking up for herself!
Stop filtering and dismissing guys so quickly- be optimistic about seeing if you can develop good sexual chemistry with guys who don’t fit your bill. These days, you can swipe right to meet guys using more filters than your favorite photo editing app offers- you can specify height, body type, education level, location, age, etc. One of the most common complaints I get from women is that they rarely feel attracted enough to guys to even see them a first or second time. But who you think will be attracted to sexually may not be a good match in real life. Scientists working with Match.com found that we are horrible at knowing what we want; the kind of partner people said they wanted often didn’t match up with what they were actually interested in long term. What works well for predicting good first dates doesn’t tell us much about the long-term success of a couple let alone their sexual chemistry. Social psychologist and researcher Robert B. Zajonc explains, “while we are initially attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize, the things that make us more attracted to someone are their deeper, more personal qualities, which come out only during sustained interactions” – the “mere exposure effect” is repeated exposure to a stimulus which tends to enhance one’s feelings toward it.
This last point applies to anyone and everyone seeking sexual or romantic connections of any and all kinds:
Do Not Let FOMO Take Over. You’ve read about, you’ve experienced it, you’re sick of hearing about how Millennials are responsible for amplifying this toxic trend in a digital era. That said, I’ve seen far too many people spend endless amounts of time spinning their wheels, agonizing over not meeting/dating enough people they find interest in. A billion and one first dates later, still…nothing. Begin to rethink what this could mean…maybe this isn’t the strategy that is going unearth the person who gets you excited and holds your attention. Switch it up, peel your eyes away from your phone, pull your earbuds out and take a look around you. Make eye contact and smile, maybe even say hi to the person next to you- this could be your first moment together of many better ones to come.
15 years ago, I completed my doctoral dissertation examining cultural and gender influences of sexual risk behavior among Latino women. I’ve enjoyed educating women on how to embrace their sexuality, overcome obstacles to safe sex practices, and empower themselves for a lifetime of sexual wellness. I’ve served as a Relationship Expert on social media websites like GuysAskGirls.com, and written a range of articles on dating and relationships, with media publications and interviews in popular media sites such as techcrunch. This week I orchestrated what turned out to be an amazing educational workshop for nearly 40 women on Navigating Sex, Relationships, and Dating in San Francisco. I feel so privileged to have the opportunity to do this important work. Thank you to all those that participated, there will be more to come! In the coming weeks I will be recruiting a diverse group of men in various stages of their dating life and relationship experience- from single to married. These men will form an expert panel for an open Q & A session for an audience of Bay Area women who’d like to better understand why guys do what they do! I will facilitate an honest and respectful dialogue that will surely be insightful, informative and instrumental in improving dating and relationship experiences for all.
Here are a few candid snapshots from the event on May 27th, 2015, we had a great time!
Have you ever wondered how much checking someone’s status updates/tweets/photo uploads is normal/harmless, and when does re-checking their online activity become problematic? Most of us have caught ourselves clicking through someone’s social media activity because we have reason to be naturally curious about them- maybe the person is someone we want to meet, or just started dating and want to know more about them. Other times we might scroll through our partner’s online activity as a way to check their daily mood, as counterintuitive as that may sound (since you likely see them or at least communicate with them regularly in person). Today’s prolific use of social media gives us an alternative glimpse into our partner’s emotional status and social exchanges that we may not otherwise pick up on. Even if someone’s online persona is carefully constructed for public consumption, having access to their online activity gives us an opportunity to interpret the meaning of their coming and goings, even their level of intimacy with others. If this person is an ex-romantic partner this may be all we have to go on- even if all we see is their profile picture and friend list, this information can still provide a rough approximation of their current situation. This dilemma recently became a topic of conversation in my coaching practice, where helping people improve their emotional intelligence is a common goal throughout the work that I do. Victoria, a bright and accomplished 24 year-old woman shared with me that constantly checking her boyfriend’s social media activity and online communication with his ex is taking a hard toll on her mood and relationship functioning. Me: “Have you ever talked to your boyfriend about what you see on his social media sites? That you’re concerned about who he’s interacting with online?”Her: “HELL NO! The last thing I want to do is come across as the person that I actually am- the type of person who stalks people online to see what they’re up to, and compare their successes to mine.” Checking people’s online activity, or ‘lightweight stalking‘ if you will, can run deep. We start out taking a quick glimpse at our partner’s tweet/Instagram pic of the day, only to find their ex decided to comment suggestively. It’s too easy to then check out our partner’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend’s Twitter/Instagram/Facebook, etc (because dammit they have a public profile just begging to be explored). So begins the comparisons. Do they seem happier/sadder now? Does their taste in fashion/music/politics demonstrate that I’m a more tasteful/intelligent person? Is he/she in better shape than me? Our self-esteem may start to wane the more we compare ourselves to them. We end up heading into an tailspin trying to interpret their ‘Vaguebooking‘ habit on Facebook. We’re left wondering if they’re pining for their old relationship. Do they want to rekindle things? Will they/have they tried? If trust hasn’t been well established in our relationship, we might become irrationally suspicious by mistrusting and/or questioning our partner for no substantial reason. Suddenly we’re starting arguments that undermine the health of our relationship.
Dr. Tara C. Marshall, Ph.D., explores online post-breakup fixations in her research article Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with PostBreakup Recovery and Personal Growth. Results based on the responses of 464 participants revealed that one-half to two-thirds of people have made contact with an ex-romantic partner through Facebook, and that over half admit to having looked through an ex’s photos to find pictures of them with a new romantic partner. Findings from this study suggest that keeping tabs on an ex through social media is associated with poorer emotional recovery and personal growth following a breakup. Therefore, avoiding exposure to ex-partners, both ofﬂine and online, may be the best remedy for healing a broken heart.
Solution: Put Yourself on a Stalking Diet
Do not allow yourself to stalk during the time of day when you know you are the most emotionally vulnerable and/or have unlimited time to comb through the internet for new postings. For many people this is late at night. Give yourself an 8 pm stalking curfew!!! Most likely after 8 pm, you’ll engage in other things that will bring your mood back to a normal, and you’ll be in a less anxious place before you sleep.
If you know you’re not ready to quit cold turkey, put some “stalking hours” in place, like office hours, if you will. You’re only allowed to check on those you stalk between 2-4 pm, for example. That way if you find yourself curious about your ex at midnight (especially likely if you’ve been out drinking), you can rest assured you’ll have a chance to stalk to your heart’s content, just postponed a little. Chances are, you won’t have that same aching (likely misguided) curiosity during the logical hours of the next afternoon.
Delete the social media app(s) that you use the most during your sleuthing for one week. This will allow you to see how much you actually miss compulsively scrolling through that particular social media site. You might discover that the cost of missing out (FOMO) is not creating as much emotional damage as stalking does.