Your brain responds to competition more than you know- choose your motivational tools wisely.

On February 26, 2019February 26, 2019 By drchristinavillarrealIn coaching, developing leaders, education, empowerment, entrepreneurs, executive coaching, female leaders, goal setting, growth, growth mindset, inspiration, leadership, management, mental skills training, mental toughness, optimism, Overachievers, peak performance, performance, Positive Psychology, productivity, professional strategies, psychology, san francisco, silicon valley, solution strategies, Uncategorized, work strategies

Do you know what drives your urge to compete? Your motivation influences your performance outcomes, whether you acknowledge it or not.

‘Wanting to win‘ versus ‘wanting to avoid losing‘ are two subtle yet measurably distinct differences that drive people’s sense of competition. Murayama and Elliot’s (2012) meta-analyses found the effects of competition depend on this difference in the minds of competitors. When someone wants to outperform others by winning, they tend to benefit from competition, but when they want to avoid performing worse than others, competing reduces their performance. Burnette et al’s (2013) meta-analysis found that the desire to win is positively related to goal achievement, whereas the desire to avoid losing is negatively related to goal achievement. Senko et al’s (2017) meta-analysis found that “wanting to win” improves performance only when it’s accompanied by strategies that leverage a competitor’s feelings of mastery. The take-away from these research findings is that “wanting to win” is not enough to protect people from the pitfalls of social competition that provokes fear of losing.

A primary function of executive coaching is helping people build lasting tactical strategies that motivate behavioral change for goal achievement and peak performance. My coaching practice in Silicon Valley is filled with non-stop competitive people- entrepreneurs, CEOs, venture capitalists, and creative builders leading the edge of tech innovation. Naturally, using competition to fuel new habit formation and improve performance is a no-brainer for many of my clients. But not all tools designed to foster competition will improve motivation and performance for all people, in all situations. Competition is good for sustaining motivation and achievement only when it reinforces feelings of competency or a person’s intrinsic values beyond winning alone.

Designing life goals through the lens of one’s self-determined values is vital not just for achieving a high success rate but for overall psychological well-being. As one might expect, people generally like to feel in control of their own lives. Self-Determination Theory asserts that people seek and engage activities that satisfy these Three Basic Psychological Needs:

Competence: the feeling of satisfaction achieved through completing a challenging goal. Why does this matter? You get to feel masterful and effective. You get to feel that you’re achieving hard things. (Great for people whose personal pet peeves are ineffectiveness and helplessness!)

Relatedness: the satisfaction you get when you feel understood, liked and inspired by people you care about or value. Why does this matter? You get to feel closer to the people you’re engaging with in meaningful ways. (Great for people whose personal pet peeves are feeling rejected and disconnected!)

Autonomy: the satisfaction you get when you act with a sense of personal commitment and choice. Why does this matter? You get to feel in control and the master of your own outcomes. (Great for people whose personal pet peeves are feeling coerced and micro-managed!)

Cross-cultural research has shown these Three Basic Psychological Needs to be intrinsic to all people’s healthy development, engagement, motivation, and well-being. When these needs are met people achieve greater work performance, less perceived stress, and experience fewer turnover intentions. When these needs are blocked, people are likely to experience negative psychological consequences.

A Behavior Change Technique (BCT) is an ‘active ingredient that brings about behavior change’. BCT’s are often used to build a competitive framework, and can either support or frustrate the three Basic Psychological Needs.

How Different Behavior Change Techniques support or frustrate the ‘Three Basic Psychological Needs’

Behavioral Change Technique: Goal Crafting.
- Build in meaningful ‘whys’ or reaching the end goal of a competition won’t matter. Self-Determination Theory tells us many goals fail to motivate because they aren’t personally relevant, or they provide incentives that help people avoid losing rather than winning for personally rewarding reasons. Helping people craft goals that reflect their unique values reinforces their sense of autonomy.

Behavioral Change Technique: Feedback Crafting.
- Build in useful feedback or making progress in the competition won’t matter. Self-Determination Theory tells us well crafted feedback promotes feelings of competence and mastery. As people monitor their progress through feedback they have the chance to use well-timed feedback for making improvements. Crafting feedback that provides a practical roadmap for making improvements helps people achieve feelings of competency. Encourage how feedback is incorporated to reinforce the person’s sense of autonomy.
Behavioral Change Technique: Social Comparison.
- Build in social differentiations that inspire relatedness or the comparison won’t matter, or worse, work to demotivate a person in competition. Studies show that people prefer upward comparisons (with people who are better than them on some quality) even if that comparison is self-deflating. Make strategic comparisons by pointing out where someone falls on a standards of competency continuum. Select an appropriate comparison group based on experience (e.g. first year associates, senior VPs) and clarify the expected gains across a set timeframe. This allows the person to draw meaningful comparisons with a cohort that has faced similar challenges, and been given access to similar resources. When possible, utilize a ‘learn one teach one’ model to further enhance relatedness and competency.
Behavioral Change Technique: Competition Size Matters.
- Build a group size that factor’s in a person’s proximity to the top performance to optimize a person’s effort. There’s a reason why Junior Varsity and Varsity teams are still a thing! If you want to get the most benefit from a competition creating small, ability-based groups may be the best way to go. A 2009 study by Stephen Garcia and Avishalom shows competition is most motivating when there are fewer competitors in the comparison pool.

Whether in a work environment or in one’s personal life, people who measure their growth against those with comparable values and abilities experience boosts in motivation and performance. “When we see someone else just like us being able to complete a task and gain the recognition we seek, we up our game to achieve these outcomes for ourselves” according to Jillene Grover Seiver, PhD, professor of psychology, who’s research findings demonstrate the positive influence of rivalry on competition outcomes.

These are just a few of the techniques I use to inspire meaningful motivation through executive leadership coaching. By considering how our innate psychological needs factor into what’s driving our sense of competition, we can achieve greater outcomes with longer lasting results.

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Decoding my personal truth: how to figure out what to do with my life (and still ideally pay my bills!)

On August 8, 2018August 13, 2018 By drchristinavillarrealIn abundance mindset, bay area, career development, co-founders, coaching, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, developing leaders, empowerment, entrepreneurs, executive coaching, founders, goal setting, growth, growth mindset, inspiration, millennials, performance anxiety, Positive Psychology, productivity, professional strategies, psychology, san francisco, silicon valley, solution strategies, Uncategorized, work strategies

These days, people are increasingly using executive coaching for the purpose of ‘figuring out what to do with my life’ (and ideally still be able to afford living in the Bay Area!) From high-ranking executives at globally successful companies, to startup founders who’ve sold their company and are now free to roam, to Bay Area transplants who’ve grown disenchanted with the tech scene- all have entered my practice ready to decode their personal truth, find their greater purpose, and build a personally meaningful roadmap toward their version of success.

“A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be.” Albert Einstein

Our personal truth serves as our unique roadmap, helping us navigate toward a future created with purpose. Every day we make choices that steer us on our personal path- our inner beliefs, preferences, sense of right and wrong all come together to drive the direction we take in life. In his book Unapologetically You, behavioral science academic and author Steve Maraboli advises us of the importance of this position: “Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”

But what if we aren’t sure of what we are meant to do, and our greater purpose seems unclear? How do we ‘know’ what’s right for us?

giphy — ***Disenchantment*** A new Netflix toon with a title that captures the sentiment of many.

How can we be sure of ‘what’s best’ when we make choices for our future? Some people feel a deep sense of conviction about their life’s purpose- “I was born to make music. I was born to build. I was born to heal.” Other people don’t feel this depth of clarity, and take aim for their future by solving tangible problems first- they develop a range of practices, skills and resources to prevent commonly avoided hardships like sickness, injury, poverty, social isolation. Others feel satisfied knowing they’ve contributed to offsetting the needs of their family, community, or are embodying their religious tenets faithfully. Even with recognizable success, some people may still wonder if they they’ve adequately challenged themselves to fulfill their personal destiny or greater purpose in life. How can we ‘know’ if we’ve made the right choices for ourselves? At some point, a person’s experience of happiness and purpose comes back to personal taste, or preference for achievement.

Cultural expectations, opinions of people we admire, and social influences related to the times further shape our notions of what an ideal, purpose-driven, meaningful life looks like. How have outside influences shaped your assumptions about what you should do with your life? Without awareness of what’s driving your thoughts, feelings and behaviors it’s easy to get stuck in the habit of chasing goals without fully understanding if it’s personally important to do so. We can distract ourselves by measuring outcomes in size, volume, impact, or accumulation as a marker to indicate the degree of our success. We may even learn to rely on these outcomes to tell us how satisfied we should feel.

Three Exercises for discovering personal truth- how do you ‘know’ yourself?

Cognitive psychology is the scientific study of the mind as an information processor- cognitive psychologists seek to understand human perception- the process of how we experience our emotions, how we develop mental representations, and derive genuine fulfillment from our experiences.

Bring to mind some of your favorite moments in your past. When you think about places, recreations, or experiences that you enjoy for the sake of the pleasure they gives you- try to uncover the why behind the attraction, or the feeling they’ve given you. Identify your preferences in the following areas, simply based on your experience of them: how do you ‘know’ you like them?

areas in nature (cliffs, beaches, snowy mountains, open fields, woods, etc)
Sounds of specific musical instruments, musical genres, or eras of music
Social activities at a party (group games, exploratory dinner conversations, group cooking, dancing, people watching, etc)

giphy (1) — Discovering truth in ***Silicon Valley***

2. Can you identify how external influences or mental representations play a role in how you developed these preferences?

Consider how your family, social circles, workplace or local communities have shaped your understanding of how to best spend your time.
How does the narrative you’ve adopted about your personality style (e.g. loner, leader, helper) shape your predictions of trying new experiences and how you’ll feel about them?

3. Imagine moving to a society where areas of achievement, compensation for work and the social status of various roles were completely different than what we know them to be now.

Can you imagine choosing a role/occupation (a collection of responsibilities and activities) without knowing how this society thought of it?
What would you be doing? (Starting an original project? Building a team after evaluating competencies in people? Leading growth?)
How much of your attraction to these elements are because you’re familiar and/or been successful in doing these things in the past?
If you found out there was one additional responsibility within this role/occupation that you were apprehensive to take on, what would that be?

These exercises are meant to help you uncover and tap into your personal truth, creating a guiding force for making choices in the big picture of your life path. Be patient with yourself, track the evolution of your thoughts, feelings and insights throughout the process. You’re on your way to ‘knowing’ yourself better than ever before.

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Millennial managers leading startups: their generation’s new face of management.

On February 26, 2018February 20, 2018 By drchristinavillarrealIn career development, Communication Skill Building, entrepreneurs, executive coaching, growth, management, millennials, performance, solution strategies, startups, Uncategorized

According to Pew Research center the millennial generation (born 1983 – 2000) now number 75.4 million, surpassing the 74.9 million Baby Boomers (born 1946 – 1964) and Generation X’ers (born 1965 – 1984). More than one-in-three American workers today are millennials, and have become the largest share of the American workforce.

In today’s current work climate, it’s not enough for millennial-aged managers to focus on productivity for their company’s success. Employees who share their generational employment outlook expect them to drive the company’s mission with clarity and inspiration, embody a leadership style that supports their work/life balance and self-care routine, and provide opportunities for them to do work that fulfills their passion for making a positive, meaningful impact. Millennials widely embrace thought leaders like Simon Sinek who encourage them to marry their values and intentions to their work endeavors for lasting fulfillment in their life. Amid these formidable expectations, it’s easy for a manager who understands the values of the millennial generation to feel conflicted about how to drive productivity while still supporting her employees work paradigms.

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Any manager who leads without a strong sense of direction is destined to fall short of their targeted goals. A millennial manager I coach in the venture capital space suggested I write an article based on the headway we’ve made in developing her leadership approach to managing her millennial-aged team. The following Q & A is based on questions she and other millennial managers have expertly hashed out through their leadership coaching work.

“How can I screen potential candidates during the hiring process to reveal their true work ethic? The nature of our work is deadline driven, and it’s hard to know who will prioritize work objectives over personal objectives.”

How to hire them: Work ethic fit is critical to a company’s success, because a candidate with mismatched work ethic will negatively impact productivity, disengage other employees, and create inefficiencies for the rest of the team. Early stage startup culture has influenced new hire expectations – it’s not unusual for employees at startups to serve in multiple roles to sustain rapid company growth periods. Experienced millennial managers ask potential hires to share how they’ve handled shifting workflow and multiple role responsibilities in prior positions. “Can you tell me about a time when you’ve asked a manager for guidance on how to prioritize your workload? Particularly when you’ve thought meeting a deadline was going to be difficult or impossible because of the high volume and pace of the workload.” This gives hiring managers a chance to learn if the person has experience identifying and solving workflow prioritization with others. By being transparent about their company’s work style and pace, and sharing specific examples of how team members typically ‘get shit done’ they reduce the the risk of hiring a poor fit for their company culture. Millennial managers recognize the need to reconcile workload with self-care routines, and have learned to ask revealing questions like “How do you deal with burn out or work fatigue? How have you managed times when you’ve had conflicts with team members? What are your expectations for personal time off, working overtime, or through holidays?”

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Experts in psychological personality assessment use tactical questions like this to measure what they refer to as ‘faking good’, to detect a person’s willingness to be forthcoming or tendency to present themselves in an unrealistically positive light. If given multiple opportunities, can a potential hire share a well-rounded work history that naturally includes unmet challenges, times of burn out, and how they’ve learned from those experiences? Or are they consistently defensive and unwilling to acknowledge when they’ve been challenged or experienced conflicts at work? Millennial managers seek to hire people who are willing to be direct and forthcoming, understanding this communication style lends itself to effective problem-solving with others.

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“What can I do to inspire my team members to take initiative in their own professional development?”

Millennial startup founders-turned managers understand the desire for personally meaningful work as a motivating principal behind professional development. Based on this core value, millennial managers can inspire their employees to invest in their own development by encouraging them to cultivate their personal vision of career growth and success. Managers seeking to inspire their employees ask “What do you enjoy most about their role? What would you like to eventually do more of, and less of in your career path?” By understanding what personally motivates someone, what is most rewarding, and how they’d like to see their professional opportunities take shape, a manager can provide support based on that particular vision. Further, supporting employees in this way and holding them accountable for progress in their role performance will resonate on a deeper, more meaningful level.

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“How can I set the standard for work ethic with my team? My employees get overwhelmed by deadlines, and it seems to be influenced by low self confidence and their desire to protect their work/life balance.”

How to drive high performing employees: When managers find they have an employee struggling to meet deadlines, the situation can put everyone on the defense. The dilemma of many millennial managers in startups is that most if not all of the employees are highly valued for their unique abilities and everyone’s individual contributions are critical to company progress. Further, the time and resources it takes to replace an employee and the risk of destabilizing team morale makes opting to solve the problem a frugal first approach. While some employees may be failing to complete work as a result of prioritizing personal time, others may be failing to meet work expectations for other reasons.

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Through coaching, a millennial startup founder I support resolved how to effectively manage one of her highest-performing employees who’d begun struggling to meet his production deadlines. After processing her emotions and generating a communication action plan, she began by conveying her high regard for his contributions to the company’s success, giving examples and recognizing his overall growth. She listened to his perspective about why his productivity had declined without jumping to conclusions, with the intent to support him in finding a resolution that fit both of their needs. This encouraged him to share openly about what his challenges and mental roadblocks were, and what changes could lead to a return to consistently high productivity. This inquiry-led communication style led to both of them making a shift in thinking about how he could best operate in his role without compromising future leadership opportunities, provided new ways for him to contribute to deadline completion, fostering a solution-focused dynamic between them as manager and employee.

Many of the millennial managers I’ve supported have found inspiration for their managerial style based on the wisdom of their favorite leaders in tech, turning up their employee productivity and balancing idealism with practicality by:

making changes to the types of work an employee is responsible for completing (e.g. shifting an employee from working autonomously on projects to working in a support role to others)
providing alternative options for employees’ work evaluations based on their preference (e.g. brief periodic check-ins to ‘debug’ work progress rather than a longer final project critique)
building a work culture that encourages employees to take part in decision-making in how they solve problems rather than dictating how problems get solved

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Olympic athletes and entrepreneurs share one critical trait to conquer pressure under fire.

On February 18, 2018February 17, 2018 By drchristinavillarrealIn anxiety, bay area, career development, celebrity mental health, coaching, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Communication Skill Building, conflict resolution, education, empowerment, entrepreneurs, executive coaching, founders, goal setting, grit, growth, growth mindset, homosexuality, mental toughness, optimism, peak performance, performance, performance anxiety, Positive Psychology, productivity, professional strategies, psychology, san francisco, silicon valley, solution strategies, startups, Uncategorized, work strategies

In sports, mental toughness is defined as “the ability to consistently perform in the upper range of your talent and skill regardless of competitive circumstances.” The 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, Korea have been rife with performances by athletes with well honed mental toughness, giving them the competitive edge over athletes with matched or even higher ranking talent. Two-time U.S. champion figure skater Nathan Chen was the gold medal frontrunner heading into the 2018 Winter Olympics, only to crumble under pressure during his Olympic debut, underscoring how critical it is for young athletes to harness mental toughness under extreme pressure. It was a devastating outcome for Chen, the most talented US men’s figure skater to compete in the sport in recent memory.

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U.S. figure skater Adam Rippon’s incredible grace under pressure has been widely recognized during this winter’s Olympic Games, especially given the level of criticism he’s received for being the first openly gay American figure skater to ever compete at the Olympics. His positive attitude, willingness to lead with charisma and humor, and champion performances have catapulted him beyond just physical mastery as an athlete.

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If anyone in the business world ever needed mental toughness at their disposal, it’s an entrepreneur. Investors and other tech industry insiders all agree that startup success is all about mental preparedness, tenacity, and skillful pitch execution under high stakes circumstances. Entrepreneurs regularly face cutthroat competitors and critics, and must be able to push their ideas and products past consumers resistance to change. In his most recent book “Executive Toughness,” Dr. Jason Selk discusses mental toughness and other shared traits between sports and business high performers. Given the self-driving nature of entrepreneurial work, startup founders must exemplify this critical trait to prevail. In his Harvard Business Review article “How the Best of the Best Get Better,” sports psychologist and former consultant to Olympic and world champions Dr. Graham Jones says, “Obviously, star athletes must have some innate, natural ability — coordination, physical flexibility, anatomical capacities — just as successful senior executives need to be able to think strategically and relate to people. But the real key to excellence in both sports and business is not the ability to swim fast or do quantitative analyses quickly in your head. Rather, it is [mindset] mental toughness.”

After living and working in and around Silicon Valley for more than 20 years I’ve seen firsthand the underpinnings of mental toughness, the stamina it takes to succeed here, and the price those people pay to stay at the top. Through executive coaching I’ve supported top organizational leaders through pivotal growth periods in life and business, leveraging best practices from peak performance psychology, cognitive neuroscience, behavioral design and critical communication skill acquisition.

Top 5 best practices for augmenting mental toughness:

Notice the subtle shifts in your physiology and thought patterns, and where they drive your emotions, behaviors and decision-making. Cultivate control over this chain reaction through mindfulness training, and commit to embodying your most unflappable self in high stakes situations. Use tools like visualization, auditory prompts and self-directing phrases to tap into deep learning through habit formation.
Prepare confidence-boosting engagement and response scripts to the three most challenging interpersonal situations you face. This is especially helpful for those who aren’t naturally charismatic, because they serve as a guideline for how to best interact with people. Well-developed and practiced interpersonal responses work to center you, bringing you back to a place of familiarity, reducing socially anxious reactions that can interfere with peak performance.
Develop a relentless and optimistic ‘solution focused mindset’. It is so irresistible to ride the wave of emotion that surges when facing a hard problem. Our brains can get railroaded by our emotions, mimicking the addiction response and diminishing our ability to think critically and generate effective options. Approach all potential solutions one step at a time, giving yourself time to process your emotions first. Even mapping out a single step completion is progress and an improvement to the current situation. Remember you can’t solve all problems at once, so choose one and stay focused on it until measurable progress is made.
When you set your mind to do something, find a way to get it done, no matter what. While a relentless solution focus is the mental step, behavioral discipline is the action step that makes effective solutions materialize. In this way, discipline delivers success. Make discipline a habit by looking out for triggering temptations and planning accordingly.
Be willing to embrace change. Mentally tough people are flexible, constantly adapting in order to solve for best possible outcomes. Fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to one’s progress towards broader goals for fulfillment and happiness.

A backbone of mental toughness is essential for providing the courage and internal compass that top competitors rely on to steer through the challenges they face. It also emboldens them to take on new opportunities for learning and growth- healthy life habits for effectively navigating stress, conflict and crises. If you can develop mastery in this, you win!

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Settling down in Silicon Valley, just another impossible unicorn to chase?

On February 16, 2018February 16, 2018 By drchristinavillarrealIn bay area, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, dating, relationships, san francisco, sexual health, silicon valley, technology, Uncategorized

A recent article published in The Washington Post titled “Why Silicon Valley singles are giving up on the algorithms of love” illuminates the struggle single people face, even while living in one of the countries wealthiest and most educated urban areas, attracting young, ambitious people from all over the world. While the San Francisco Bay Area remains a high ranking city for adventurous singles, others find themselves tired of FOMO-driven dating sprints and casual hook-ups and start to crave the intimacy of a committed romantic relationship. To be single and searching for ‘the one’ in the Bay Area is complicated according the wide range of people I encounter through my executive coaching practice with entrepreneurs and other high performers in the tech ecosystem. The single women are far outnumbered by single men making the odds good for heterosexual women, but they’ll quickly tell you the “goods are odd”, describing tech guys as low in EQ and difficult to navigate with through early stages of dating ). Even with the odds stacked against them, single men in Silicon Valley are more selective in their search for a romantic partner than literally, anywhere else in the country. These findings are completely consistent with the feedback I get from the millennials I work with in tech.

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Back in 2014 I penned an article for techcrunch.com titled #Love: Hacking Social Isolation, bringing attention to how the increasing reliance on technology is making it more difficult for millennials to form and maintain authentic relationships with others. Not unlike Silicon Valley startups whose valuations promise more than they actually deliver, millennials continue to rely heavily upon dating apps, an investment that is more likely to lead to user fatigue and burnout than to the relationship promised land. This is a new kind of failure, and Silicon Valley hasn’t come to grips with it yet. You can’t swipe right for automatic intimacy, you have to build it. Slowly and unpredictably, at least for now.

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Winning together: conflict resolution tactics for startup founders

On July 12, 2017July 13, 2017 By drchristinavillarrealIn co-founders, coaching, Communication Skill Building, conflict resolution, education, entrepreneurs, executive coaching, female leaders, founders, goal setting, grit, growth, growth mindset, peak performance, performance, productivity, professional strategies, relationships, san francisco, silicon valley, solution strategies, startups, teamwork, Uncategorized, work strategies

As a executive coach I support startup founders, CEOs, senior executives and other tech leaders in their pursuit of entrepreneurial success in Silicon Valley. Their leadership development goals prioritize enhancing emotional intelligence, improving interpersonal communication and honing conflict resolution skills for managerial effectiveness. The startup life is often grueling as co-founders face high pressure, high stakes decision-making during the rapid growth of their company. Harjeet Taggar, former Y Combinator partner, once wrote, “The relationship between co-founders is usually the single biggest risk to a startup in the earliest stages, it’s certainly the most common reason for failure we see at YC.” According to Paul Graham, founder of Y Combinator, successful conflict management requires skillful self management, and the ability to separate self-interest from winning solutions “You have to be prepared to see the better idea when it arrives. And the hardest part of that is often discarding your old idea.”

Seasoned entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley recognize that it’s not just the idea, product or timing of a startup that sets the stage for success, but arguably the founders’ ability to work together to tackle emerging problems as a company scales. It means working through differences aligned in partnership rather than at odds with one another. Just like the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships, early startup success can mask a lack of effective conflict management skills between founders. When things are going well, it’s tempting to believe that major conflicts can be avoided. While the gambling spirit is worn like a badge of honor among successful entrepreneurs, this is one gamble they can’t afford to lose. Without practicing conflict resolutions skills early and often, they risk losing time and resources battling each other instead of leveraging their collective strengths when they need them most. Gary Tan, former partner at Y Combinator shared with TechCrunch “Successful co-founders actually embrace conflict, and are constantly in the process of resolving it. If you can’t argue and arrive at the best solution, you’re not doing the work to actually have a real, healthy working relationship.”

So what works? Evidence-based strategies like those developed by psychologist John Gottman are applicable beyond marital relationships, and have been successfully utilized by other respected startup coaches in Silicon Valley. Gottman’s research has a proven track-record for both relationship success as well as predicting relationship failure with scientifically rigorous precision.

1. Aspire to ‘win’ as a team, not as individuals.

When your team is busy arguing over every minor detail your competitors are busy winning, and your company is busy failing.

There’s a saying in Silicon Valley that it’s better to have an A team with a B idea, than a B team with an A idea. Dedicate yourself to operating as an A member of an A team. Each member of your A team has lived their life aspiring to win on an individual level, using tactics that work best for them as individuals. The hardest part of submitting to a team is accepting others’ differences and shortcomings gracefully, and carrying on with your best work ethic and respect for others regardless of who’s slowing company progress. You think “I never would have made that mistake! This problem could have been avoided if they’d listened to me.” When oversights, insufficient planning, unclear communication, failed efforts, personal problems, and fatigue set in, they can lead to setbacks in your combined efforts to succeed as a team. Adopt the mental framework that ‘winning’ is modeling cooperation and flexibility, ‘losing’ is fighting to get your way all the time. Winning is practicing humility and accepting constructive feedback because it sets the best stage for improvement. Are you using tactics to succeed as a team or are you using tactics that are better suited to individual success? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make progress as a team?

2. Recognize that company success is tied to your team’s willingness to trust one another. By working as part of a founder team, you are acknowledging you are better off working together versus alone. If you agree to build something with someone you are agreeing to rely on them, and you must also be reliable.

Founders of a company are gambling on each other, and there is no way to gamble without trust. Partial trust begets mistrust.

Can you trust that your cofounder has the best interest of the company at heart? Are you both committed to making the relationship work and the company successful? If you are not all in, you introduce risk to the foundation of your company. Trust functions to give team members a “reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” By agreeing to work with and rely on one another, you’ve accepted that each person adds important value, unique insights, and specialized abilities that compliment yours. By giving this to one another you maximize the time and attention you have for your own contributions instead of using your energy to raise doubts or second guess others’ work.

3. Attempting to track and keep score of who’s working harder or contributing more ‘worth’ wastes time, fosters animosity and reduces positive synergy.

Everyone’s best effort looks different, so spending time making comparisons rarely produces progress for the relationship or the company.

According to University of Illinois psychologist Brian Ogolsky and Texas State University’s Christine Gray, people who keep score in their relationships damage their potential for healthy relationship maintenance because the very act of counting implies a lack of trust, rigidity, and negativity. Co-founders and team members should aim to delegate responsibilities based on ability and expertise, and if a continual imbalance in the workload emerges, plan to discuss this as a team to solve for more efficient allocation of tasks that factors in individual strengths, resources and availability. Avoid placing blame when ever possible, and focus on actionable solutions that are tied to current circumstances. The potential for success is maximized when everyone’s strengths are being efficiently utilized in real time.

4. Create space for differences in opinion- exploring these differences will generate the most ingenuous solutions. Aim to facilitate a wide range of possibilities, and take an objective approach to problem-solving.

Even if you don’t agree with a particular solution, it’s more effective if everyone shares their vision how this solution could result in success or failure.

This style of debate fosters constructive involvement and reduces power struggles. If you oppose a decision, it’s not sufficient to point out a suggested plan’s low probability of success. Research and prepare an outline of alternative action-oriented solutions to share with the team.

5. Pay attention to people’s feelings. Conflict will naturally give rise to emotional expression that can work in your team’s favor. Strong emotional overtones are bound to emerge during a heated debate- take this as a sign that people care deeply about the work, about the team’s success, and that everyone at the table wants to avoid pitfalls. Identify what people are feeling and why. Let their answers inform how to proceed based on the expressed ideas. If the discussion doesn’t lead to an agreed upon direction, rely on people’s primary areas of expertise as a guide for who has the most insight for the final call. If the plan doesn’t work as out, take part in supporting a change in course quickly to minimize stalled productivity.

6. Ignoring reoccurring bad vibes between team members will only lead to bigger problems- resolving conflict is one problem startup founders CAN control. The sooner you address them, the sooner you can get back to business.

Lastly, if all diplomatic efforts fail, agree to seek outside advice. I always recommend that founders and executive teams establish a range of outside resources (experienced mentors, business advisors, legal counsel) to give your team the insight it needs to resolve conflict. Having an outsider broker your disagreement will end the gridlock- it’s like couples therapy for co-founders. This might be what saves your startup from sinking. Your team should agree in advance to take the advice with the goal of moving past this stage with finality.

And don’t lose your sense of humor! At fast-growing startups, the sheer magnitude of work should be complemented with some light-heartedness. Laugh in solidarity at the crazy, silly things that you face together as a team- it will help lighten the mood. When you look back at this time in your life, those are the things you’ll remember with a sense of gratitude and character-building strength.

Are your dating skills ruining your love life? 4 dumb dating habits to drop.

On May 24, 2017May 29, 2017 By drchristinavillarrealIn Bachelorhood, coaching, Communication Skill Building, dating, empowerment, executive coaching, goal setting, growth, growth mindset, inspiration, optimism, performance anxiety, Positive Psychology, professional strategies, relationships, san francisco, sexual development, sexual health, silicon valley, social groups, social media, solution strategies, Uncategorized, women4 Comments

Most accounts of modern dating describe finding lasting love as more elusive than ever. Thanks to mobile dating apps, dating has evolved into a finger-swiping game of ‘matching’ with people whose real intention for long-term dating is nearly impossible to determine. Being an executive and dating coach in the San Francisco Bay Area has given me a front row seat to this phenomenon with an inside view of the good, the bad and the ugly. The highly competitive tech scene here is also known for having an awkward dating culture where both men and women can develop some dumb habits that thwart their long term relationship goals. I feel it’s my duty to share them publicly, air out the gender themes I see, and hopefully shed some light on the issue so more people are successful in their dating endeavors.

My clients are bright, healthy, charismatic people who bemoan their dating struggles as real a ‘pain point’ in their life. In my last article on learned optimism, I outlined the rationale for viewing problems through a positive, solution-focused lens, and how to hold yourself accountable for your role in a problem. When a client tells me “I’d like to meet someone and settle down into a long-term relationship but I’m having a tough time finding them.” I’ll ask “What strategies are you using to meet eligible people? Tell me, what are you currently doing to build a long-term relationship with someone?” This is when the storyline starts to reveal dating habits that can be major roadblocks to developing a lasting romantic relationship.

A 30 year old male client of mine shared with me how Season 2 of the Netflix hit series Master of None,(episode ‘First Date‘) struck a chord with him. In this episode, Dev (Aziz Ansari) meets a myriad of women and for various reasons, experiences failure to launch towards a meaningful relationship with any of them. In 2015, Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg co-wrote Modern Romance: An Investigation, a book that examined the evolution of dating patterns and coupledom. The concept of ‘overchoice’ in dating, an idea first introduced in Alvin Toffler’s 1971 book Future Shock, and later explored in Barry Schwartz’s 2004 book The Paradox of Choice has become a mainstay in modern dating culture. Ansari concludes that while having access to more potential mates might be enjoyable up front, it eventually makes the process of choosing and investing in someone much harder, and can ultimately lead to less romantic fulfillment.

Dumb dating habit #1: Going on a never-ending cycle of first dates, waiting for that ‘love at first sight’ feeling to signal when it’s time to finally pursue someone for a long term relationship.

First impressions are often not a good predictor of who’ll be a good fit for a long term relationship. In my observation, guys need to take initiative and figure out how to emotionally invest in the process of dating if they want a long term relationship. A lot of men are stuck in a conundrum when they’re looking for a girlfriend- they feel safer with more options, but more options leads to low emotional investment, which leads to a sense of emptiness, which they fill with more creating more options. It’s a vicious circle! Men, start by figuring out what you need to do to care more about the person you’re meeting for a date.

Males are commonly raised to avoid vulnerable emotions, and learn to keep a safe distance from their feelings, especially in matters of the heart. As a result, they can miss out on developing emotional intimacy with someone because they fail to take an active role in building it. In movies, men are portrayed as reluctant participants in intimacy – cinematic stereotypes such as the manic pixie dream girl archetype evolved in order to protect masculine identity in the face of falling in love.

REBOOT: If you don’t work to get inside your feelings and figure out how to genuinely invest in caring about the person sitting across from you, these feelings will not mysteriously emerge on their own. I know you believe you just haven’t met someone who’s attractive enough, smart/accomplished enough, humble and supportive and interested in YOU enough. If this storyline is sounding a lot like you, it’s time to see it for what it is – you’ve got to rise to the occasion and take initiative. Make a real effort to be curious, listen, absorb and relate. Look at it from an economic perspective- wise investments of all kinds pay off big!

Dumb dating habit #2: You’re using dating as a way to compete with your friends- in this game the last one to get off the single train wins.

You’re struggling with choosing someone because you’re too busy rounding out your dating options for more bragging rights with your friends. A proud 20-something year old guy once told me that he and his male roommates had a world map in their house with colored pushpins in it to represent the countries of origin of women they’d each slept with. Why? Because it made them look cool to all their friends, duh! But do you really want to be the last one who still cares about playing this game? It’s like you’re that last guy in your middle school friend group who still cares about who has the most/best Pokémon cards.

Dude at some point, it’s not that crucial anymore! Eventually, most guys want to be with someone that will stand by them when life gets hard, someone to enjoy private moments with, who will honestly be there for them through the thick and thin of their life. Meanwhile, do you want to still be scrolling through your phone contacts looking for someone who actually cares about what happens to you? (besides your family! Not your ex either, she’s probably happily married now with a baby on the way.)

REBOOT: The price tag for a real relationship is steep, and you need to be willing to pay the price. Commitment, vulnerability, giving FOMO a grown ass man smack down, and dealing with someone’s shortcomings because they have to put up with yours. When was the last time you heard of getting something worth having for free?

Dumb dating habit # 3: Not noticing when your mind magically fills in the blanks in someone’s potential instead of accepting the current reality as it stands. The problem with this is that your brain gets caught in a vicious cycle of unrealistic expectations. This can lead to feeling mad and resentful when the person falls short of your version of them.

Sometimes women can get ahead of themselves while dating, and lose track of the difference between what is reality and what is wishful thinking. This happens when they fail to notice that someone isn’t demonstrating a consistent investment in getting serious with them. When you fantasize a million steps ahead about how your next dates will play out together it can lead your brain to believing it should and it will, and then when it inevitably doesn’t, you feel shortchanged and frustrated, but keep hoping things will improve. Unrealistic expectations can also lead people to cut things off prematurely which is sabotaging your #relationshipgoals. Confirmation bias is a form of faulty thinking with plenty of scientific evidence supporting people’s propensity to believe something is true because they would like it to be true. Motivated by wishful thinking, individuals will stop gathering information when the evidence gathered so far confirms the views (prejudices) one would like to be true.

REBOOT: DO NOT GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF. If someone isn’t consistently making an effort to set concrete plans with you, showing a genuine interest in connecting with you, stop giving him your mental attention! Be ready to harness some discipline because old habits die hard. You’re perfectly rigorous about keeping your diet paleo, you’re awesome at limiting your drinking to the weekends, but you let your mind go on a wild goose chase over every text thread in your phone! You know you’re in trouble if the guy inside your head is always more fun to think about then the same guy whose text messages rarely extend beyond 3 words and you never quite know where things stand between the two of you. Be honest with yourself. Why would it make sense to want a relationship with someone who’s hot and cold towards you? Inconsistency and unpredictability beget failure in building anything of value. Open your eyes to the people who are making it clear they value you and want to spend time with you.

Dumb dating habit # 4: You over-rely on dating apps and forget that prospective dating partners are everywhere! Your attention is buried in your phone and you never (ever, ever) initiate conversation with a stranger for social purposes.

Pretty much everyone is guilty of digital social isolation these days. You’ve heard this before from those of us who evolved as human beings before the digital era. By limiting yourself to socializing through online/text consumption you are actually limiting yourself to a communication method with WORSE social aptitude results not BETTER. The quality of enjoyment, depth of expression and opportunity to build lasting relationships has evolved over billions of years through face to face communication. Digital communication on the other hand has existed for a fraction of a mili-second and the jury is out if humanity would even survive if we continue to depend on it with today’s enthusiasm. It’s not that I think people shouldn’t enjoy all the latest dating apps, follow each other on social media for entertainment, ease and efficiency, but aim to keep practicing your real life social skills. Every single client who’s taken me up on my encouragement in this area has come back glowing with newfound empowerment and shock, really. Like “I cannot believe I initiated a social conversation with a total stranger (sober, mind you!) AND DIDN’T DIE ON THE SPOT FROM ANGST. I CAN DO ANYTHING NOW!!!” YES! That is the best feeling!

How to kill it at your new job- proven strategies for getting ahead in a cutthroat culture

On August 4, 2016August 4, 2016 By drchristinavillarrealIn career development, coaching, Uncategorized, work strategiesLeave a comment

So you recently landed a job that lines up well with your career goals. You’re feeling confident. Maybe you already have a great track record of achievement- top SAT scores, a stellar graduating GPA, glowing letters of recommendations from past employers. Your time to shine has finally arrived! But after settling into your new role, you realize this new work climate is no easy read. Communication with your boss or co-workers leaves you feeling unsupported, and you start to worry that taking this job was a mistake. What should you do? You’d like to avoid moving on prematurely so your resume stays on track. The following tips will help you kill it at your new job with some proven coaching strategies, even in a cutthroat culture.

Working with an executive coach is a great way to skillfully steer this situation back in your favor. One of the first things I ask my clients to do is to describe their personal career vision to me. Outlining one’s career goals helps to pinpoint the various skills and experiences that are necessary to achieve this vision. Does this job afford you an opportunity to make these gains? (In all likelihood yes,which is why you sought out and/or accepted the position in the first place.) Some jobs require you to change more than others- a process which is often unpredictable and frustrating as you figure out how to succeed there. An executive coach can help you prepare mentally and strategically for this. Together you will generate lasting and effective solutions to keep you on your personalized track to success.

Reframe how you’re thinking about the ‘problems’ you’re experiencing at work. Learn to embrace this job as a purposeful choice you are making for the sake of experience and skill building rather than an oppressive situation that is happening to you. Remember no one is holding you hostage there. Ask yourself “Am I ready to adapt to a different way of thinking and operating?” No one said changing perspectives would feel easy, or that you wouldn’t face major obstacles along the way. Either stay in the game and take ownership of the experience, or prepare to move on.

Rise to the occasion: successful leaders search for ways to improve and strengthen themselves in difficult situations, inspiring others to do the same. They are often unflappable and well respected, even in hostile work climates. That’s what makes them so effective in senior positions and invaluable to a company or organization.

What personal strengths do you have that helped you overcome past obstacles? What did you do to persevere? Some of my younger, especially gifted and fortunate clients have moved through life with relative ease, so dealing with an uncontrollable work environment can feel especially demoralizing. Others have come through relative adversity, but realize past coping strategies are no longer sufficient. If the cultural climate of your new job seems unwelcoming, petty or even combative, you may find yourself avoiding interactions altogether. I encourage my clients to see this as a chance to learn how to read, respond to and handle a variety of people. The more versatile and challenging, the more prepared and effective you will be in handling future challenges.
Anticipate people’s behavior so you can prepare to respond with efficiency rather than let negative emotions take over. For example, instead of allowing others’ tardiness to be a constant source of frustration, learn to use this extra time to your advantage by completing simple tasks while you wait, organize your schedule or review to-do lists. Does your boss constantly place blame on others or set unrealistic goals? Learn to respond with positivity and an eagerness to improve and support.
Aim to view other people’s behavior as a reflection of the setting and their ability to cope with it rather than taking it personally. Criticism is often a relative opinion. It doesn’t matter that you were your boss’s favorite employee at your past job. Learn to view criticism as an opportunity to better understand what others expect instead of getting defensive.

Learn to predict and manage your emotional style so that you are not just reacting, but thoughtfully responding to difficult people and situations with strategy. You’ve heard some people described as ‘running hot and cold, moody, or unpredictable.’ That’s rarely a good thing in work settings. Anyone who’s served in a leadership role will tell you that managing difficult people or emotionally charged situations is a necessary part of the job.

You’ll find that working with others is much easier if you are well liked – which means you will be more successful during your time there. I encourage my clients to step outside their comfort zone and find ways to show interest and demonstrate kindness towards others they might avoid in their personal life. Almost without exception there will be people we don’t like that we need to work alongside. Whether or not they are truly reprehensible is irrelevant: not ‘liking someone’ can quickly erode your working relationships and productivity, and get in the way of your professional goals. People we don’t even like are not worth that sacrifice!

Identify your emotional and social style, and zero in on what tends to trigger you during times of stress. How can you build upon this style so that you remain better balanced under pressure? It’s not uncommon for people to become rigid and/or less effective in their emotional style when distressed. Rational-leaning people who are valued for their even-keel disposition and logical problem solving may become hyper-rational and avoid attending to emotional information even when necessary for resolving conflict. Emotionally sensitive people who are skilled at reading others and interpreting social climates can become overtly emotional and lose track of logical solutions when overwhelmed.
Appreciate your natural interpersonal style and how it affects others, and challenge yourself to practice more versatility in your social interactions. Soon others will experience you as highly perceptive and effective in your role. As a general rule of thumb, be patient and observe social patterns before jumping to conclusions, avoid gossip, and express gratitude and appreciation for others whenever possible.
Respect other people’s seniority regardless of how effective you deem them to be in their role. You can always ‘be right’ silently in your own head (but beware of resting bitch face!) Take care to demonstrate flexibility and supportiveness and pay attention to how problems are resolved among others.

Maintain a safe distance between your work identity and YOU. You are a multi-faceted person who exists with needs outside of your career. Take a break, catch your breath. The learning curve of new jobs can be draining, so self-care is crucial to your long term functioning.

Taking care of yourself is easier if you adopt a consistent pattern of paying attention to your needs, even if it’s with small gestures. Doing so will have a cumulative effect which will allow you to get back in the game with endurance and motivation. As time passes, you will develop increased resiliency, perseverance, emotional self control, and things will seem more manageable.

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Remember this job is a finite experience, it’s not forever. These days it is very respectable to stay in any given position for a year or more before moving on to garner other experiences.

Track and summarize what you are learning and how you are growing as a person, not just for the sake of your career. No one is going to do this for you. Check in and swap stories with people outside your place of employment. Commiserating with others is a good reminder you are not isolated nor the only one going through mine fields. Only the strong survive!!!

Muhammad-Ali-Quotes-I-am-the-Greatest-Even-Before-I-Knew

#Squadgoals for grownups: how to build your social crew with confidence

On May 25, 2016May 30, 2017 By drchristinavillarrealIn coaching, Communication Skill Building, empowerment, Friendship, growth, Overachievers, relationships, san francisco, social groups, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The Bay Area is home to a large number of people who relocate here for improved work or educational opportunities. After settling in, most find themselves wanting to establish new local friendships, set up a social community, and increase their sense of group inclusiveness. Many could benefit from developing their social crew with confidence, a.k.a. #squadgoals for grownups. For some, building new friendships in an area brimming with overachievers in tech can feel intimidating, and lead to a sense of social isolation and loneliness. Others who feel more comfortable in high achieving social contexts may find networking for professional purposes easier, but feel uncertain about how to read social cues outside of structured work settings.

One of the first things people can do is aim to understand the role they typically take on in group settings. Most people can look back to childhood and notice re-occurring patterns in their social lives. What influential experiences or people shaped your beliefs about friendship growth? How did you come to understand yourself in comparison to others in a group dynamic? Taking historical inventory can help people better understand and reflect upon their unique social development. Why did some groups feel enjoyable and easy, whereas others felt uninteresting or even toxic? Here are a few examples of young millennials working through social challenges:

29 year old Jason “I’m bummed that some friends who said they’d do a 10k with me a few months ago ended up flaking- it felt pretty rude. One person basically said they’d go if another mutual friend was going, but not if it was just me. I feel like my social value in the group is lower than I thought, and now if I don’t go, it just proves I don’t have much influence.”

25 year old Sunako “I feel nervous in group settings, even when everyone in the group is a friend of mine. I get worried that I don’t have anything interesting to contribute to the conversation, and I feel like everyone is smarter and funnier than me.”

28 year old Kiaan “I haven’t found a group of friends like the ones I had in NYC- I used to have a group of friends I could just hit up for random stuff, you know, grab a drink or a bite, shoot some hoops, whatever. I can do that with work people here, but it’s just not the same, you know? I don’t really connect with people here in the same way.”

Around the same time I decided to pen this article on #squadgoals for grownups, my daughter (who’s in the 3rd grade) hosted a sleepover for ten of her friends. There’s nothing like watching a group of kids resolve social predicaments over and over as a way to examine the social nuances of group functioning. As someone who’s well liked by her peers, makes new friends easily, and has successfully welcomed newcomers into her friend group, I wanted her to weigh in on what can help people feel confident in social situations. I was hoping she’d give me a few basic points of reference to build upon how and why friendships grow stronger, and how to best enjoy social groups. (The secret is out- multi-tasking parents are not opposed to having our kids do our work for us whenever possible!) She offered the following tips in plain language, pointing out the most important tenets of developing friendships and navigating social groups. These universal concepts are timeless, and I truly believe apply to all ages and social strata. As we get older, we can overcomplicate things, take things too personally, and assign unnecessary value to social roles that undermine our confidence and ability to enjoy others.

If you’re feeling shy but would like to make new friends, it helps to remember: no one wants to play alone. Everyone likes the feeling of being included. By being part of a social group you can enjoy things differently than when you’re alone. A group is only fun if people in it are getting along well. How you can help this happen? There are different ways you can be included in a social group.
If you want to build a leadership role within a group, you have to gain other people’s trust that a suggestion you have is going to go well and be fun. Some people really like coming up with new ideas for the group, and other people like to add their opinions to a new idea. A good leader pays attention to other people’s opinions and preferences when they’re coming up with suggestions for the group.
Everyone feels good when their idea is used for a group activity, so it’s good to take turns and let other people suggest ideas. Be enthusiastic about their idea, and pay attention to how they’d it to go. They’ll probably invite you back to do stuff with them again.
Move on from an activity that isn’t working well and don’t take it personally. Focus on paying attention to what people find fun, and accept that some times an idea doesn’t go as planned. Just let it go, and do something else.
It’s ok if you don’t enjoy coming up with ideas for the group- other people will still really like including you because you make a point to enjoy their suggestions. They’ll keep including you because by participating you add to the fun of the group, and you’ll become closer friends with others that way.
Sometimes you might want to do an activity that other people in your group don’t want to do. You have to decide what’s more important to you in that moment – doing the activity you had in mind, or doing something with the group. If other people aren’t interested in joining you for this activity, you should focus on the reasons unrelated to you to that have probably influenced their decision. You should not take it personally. Just move on and stay focused on having fun, what ever you decide to do with your time.
If you decide to do something different than the group, you can always meet up with them later, you don’t have to feel like you’re not part of the group anymore. By getting together with the group another time, you get a chance to do different things, and other people can do the same. If people in a group get mad anytime someone wants to do something different for a change, it’s probably not going to feel as much fun in the long run. The best groups should still be able to have fun when people come and go at different times.
Most new friendships are established and reinforced because people enjoy doing the same types of things- even doing them alone these activities are fun, but by sharing the experience with other people, it adds to the fun. In the beginning maybe you don’t feel that close to someone new, but as you do an activity with them, you end up feeling more comfortable and closer to them. Before you know it you’re very close friends.

She makes it sound pretty simple, right? 🙂

Deep Mindset Coaching, LLC

Tag: san francisco

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Be willing to embrace change. Mentally tough people are flexible, constantly adapting in order to solve for best possible outcomes. Fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to one’s progress towards broader goals for fulfillment and happiness.